How do you not over react

[Questionsquestions23]

My husband and I have had a tough time. I’ve feel anxious round him quite a lot. He’s never been physically violent. When he gets in a bad mood he can mutter things shake his head not make eye contact etc. I don’t cope with it well even if I’m not the one he’s in a bad mood with, but my heart races, and I feel scared. Does anyone else have this. How do I not let his bad mood overwhelm me. I try and stay out his way and then I’ll look for reassurance from him which makes no sense. I know the breathing exercises etc but it just feels overwhelming and then he gets in a bad mood with me for walking on eggshells etc it’s a horrible cycle

You need to get some help OP, therapy.

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship if you're constantly worrying about upsetting him. You say he is scary when he blows, what does he do?

Hi OP

You say he isn't violent, but you are clearly scared of him.

There are so many things that people can do which aren't violent but are scary.

He could be shouting at you
He could be hitting things
He could be standing over you and physically intimidating you
He could argue with you for hours when you want to go to sleep
He could refuse to drive you places you need to go.

It's very possible to deliberately scare someone without hurting them.

What is he doing that scares you?

Why do you stay with him?

What positives does he bring to the relationship?

A life spent 'treading on eggshells' is no life at all.

This behaviour is called coercive control and it is a crime. Leave him OP, he is horrible.

my mum scared me a bit at times

When you were little you were entirely reliant on your mum so you had no option but to do whatever it took to stop your mum scaring you. You are no longer a child, you do not have to use the same strategy. if someone, anyone, scares you by their words or their actions then remove them from your life.

I understand as my ex used to do this and it made me increasing anxious. Since we split we have a very relaxed and non angry household

What bully he is.

No wonder you feel anxious.

Horrible.

OP, why do you want to be with someone who scares you so much. You'd be happier alone surely!

You need to start respecting your feelings. You feel scared, but you're not sure if you should. But who makes the rules about what you 'should' feel? Who decides what's 'normal'?

I'll give you an example. I've told this story on here before: my friend got a new boyfriend. He was lovely, and she really liked him. In the evenings when they were watching tv, he liked to gently stroke her arm. A completely normal and sweet thing to do. But her childhood abuser used to do the same thing prior to 'taking her upstairs', so it triggered horrible unsettled feelings in her. She asked him to stop (she didn't explain why), and he wouldn't. He said that, because it was a totally normal thing to do, he shouldn't have to stop doing what came naturally to him. So she left him. Not because he was doing something unkind or 'not normal', but because he didn't respect her clearly stated boundary. She's been with her subsequent partner for years now; they're very happy and have a healthy relationship.

Whether your partner's behaviour is 'wrong' or 'normal' isn't the issue. You don't have to put up with anything you don't like, just because it's 'normal', so whether you've forgotten what 'normal' is isn't relevant here. You may have anxiety issues from your past, but that doesn't mean that you just have to put up with feeling anxious, now. It means that you and the people close to you might have to work a little bit harder on maintaining calm. Anybody close to you who will not support you in this needs to not be close to you. In the same way that it's understandable for someone who has been bitten by a dog to be afraid of dogs, even if they're friendly, you are allowed to be afraid when someone feels intimidating to you, even if they're not being openly mean or scary.

All of this is written disregarding the fact that he has scared you on purpose, because everything above applies to you and all your relationships. It's not about him. But really, neither is this: create as much distance as you can between you and anybody who deliberately tries to make you feel uncomfortable, in any way, including feeling scared. Just get away from him, and anybody else who does that.

You are responsible for your happiness, but you're trying to be happy by hoping that someone else will change. That's not how it works. If you want to be happy, when/where do you feel happy? Go there. Where do you feel unhappy? Stop going there. If you want to feel x, when/where do you feel x? Go there.

This isn't about getting people to do what you want. This is about being in places where people are already as you want, and things happen as you want.

Having good boundaries and self respect is about not putting yourself in the line of fire, and expecting yourself to be ok. Why would you be ok? You're choosing to be around someone who makes you feel not ok.

Thank you everyone I appreciate all your wise words and will reflect on them x

he says it’s just words he say he used to sometimes put the black moods on just to scare me …. Because he knew he could

When we had a row exh would drive very fast to scare me. He turned out to be an arsehole in a lot of other ways. Note 'exh.'

OP your husband is deliberately trying to scare you. He does this to control you and keep you anxious and compliant. It’s repulsive behaviour.

You sound very child like in your dependence on him. Hanging around on the periphery all anxious waiting to ‘go to him’. It does sound possibly like this is the dynamic you had with your mother as a child.

Do you have access to your own income or does he control that too? Have you ever felt able to stand up to him about anything? Could you start? Would you feel safe?

How would you feel living in your own place with no stress, watching what you want on TV, playing your music choices, going out whenever you like?

Are you seriously comparing muttering under his breath and not making eye contact to actual violence? That's ridiculous.

Leave him. That's what you need to do. He's abusive and emotionally aggressive.

No, it isn't ridiculous.

The OP can't even watch what she wants on the telly.

That's abuse.

Do you have children together, OP?

“No I’m not thinking he’s going to be violent but when he blows it’s really scary. I’ve told him this and he says it’s just words he say he used to sometimes put the black moods on just to scare me …. Because he knew he could.”

“ive lost my self to being a different person to try and stop the moods. I don’t have a life really I don’t ever and never have chosen the music to play or the tele to watch encase he dosnt like it. I don’t go out and never have in the evening without him as I know that would put him in a mood. Just one wrong look and I completely crumble and panic even though he say I don’t need to. When I’m feeling rational I know I’m rediculous. I know I shouldn’t be like this but I am. Just in this constant or nearly constant state of panic. Unless he’s happy then I feel ok.”

No. No she’s not.

@terfinthewild

Did you read op's subsequent posts?