Can't move on from affair

[GetactiveinMarch]

I had an affair - noone found out but I have gradually tried to fade it away because I just kept going back. My husband is kind, loving and generous. The other man is a player. I know I deserve it and will be told how nasty I am but I am truly lost as to moving on. It went on for a long time and not once did the other man admit any deep feelings for me. I do love my husband but like a best friend. Life with the other man would be awful; he drinks too much, stuck in his own ways and basically quite selfish. My children are grown up. On the outside I have everything I ever wanted but I feel so sad and lonely. I go for a couple of weeks no contact and then back to square 1 again. Anybody else had this?

I doubt the OP will be back. Probably off shagging her lover

The guy that you are cheating with doesn’t sound desirable at all which leads me to believe you are kind of obsessed with him for some reason? You should have a long hard think about what real life would be like vs your DH? And block him at the same time or just leave your poor husband as I can’t sense remorse or guilt here, just relief you haven’t been found out!

Never.

@Wherearemymarbles no I’m not

You know how you fix this? By being honest with your husband. You keep going back to the other man as you’ve faced no consequences for your actions

@GetactiveinMarch I know you came on here to get some support like we all do but I think with affairs and cheating it’s one that does generate strong opinion. For myself after having cheating exH it certainly does!
However you see yourself as friends with DH and are not excited by him anymore… I think if you did completely block the other guy you may stand a chance but only if you want to really stay with your DH for the right reasons like you do want him to fall in love again and have passionate sex with him. If you can’t see this happening it’s time to change something. Surely he must think something is lacking in your relationship? The intimacy? Just something?

However if you are still sleeping with the OM you are never going to want to get intimate with your DH on that hungry level where your DP is your only option and you have that extreme passion for him only

@Purpledragonz @C1N1C

You couldn't be further from the point. I'm a radical feminist so no Andrew Tate isn't where I was coming from.

Women are socialised from the early years to "be kind" to put others first. We are so often conditioned into being "support humans" for shit men.

OP needs to put herself first get some counselling/therapy to work out why her boundaries are so bloody low that she would keep sleeping with the sleazy OM.

Then she can work out whether she even wants to remain married and perhaps tell her husband the truth.

It's all very well slating the OP but that doesn't actually help her does it!

Isn't what this board is about? Helping people?

Your husband isn’t like your best friend - you wouldn’t abuse your best friend.

You need to examine why you felt it was okay to have a but in your fidelity. I believe in being faithful but not if I’m bored. I believe in fidelity but not if a man blokes smoke up my arse.

You also need to examine the characteristics you have that allow you to cheat. Normally people pleasing, selfishness, resentment, poor coping mechanisms, poor communication skills, unable to self soothe, ok with lying, selfishness, low self esteem, poor integrity, lack of values etc.

What it isn’t is the stars aligning and magical forcing a pulling you and the soul mate together like star crossed lovers. Nope he’s just another guy with poor boundaries who wanted a shag. They are ten a penny.

Its all a choice. I don’t cheat for ME. It’s nothing to do with my husband or his behaviour or mood. Shit happens in life. But I said I would be faithful. I said I was committed - so I am. For ME. It’s my choice. I make it daily. I want my word to mean something to me. I want to be proud of me. My integrity and self esteem rests on my choices. I matter to me. My husband is the collateral damage to my choice.

So why does cheating make you feel less lonely and sad?
What does this man provide that you think you are missing?

His lack of interest and then him showing interest is likely to increase your dopamine and be addictive. Does he send you texts randomly. They will be like little gambling hits.

But you are choosing this. You need to go cold Turkey.

Cheating causes ptsd. Why does your husband deserve this?
You are putting him at risk of mental health issues and STDs just to shag some loser.

Your husband finding out won’t destroy your marriage, your first decision to cross the line destroyed your marriage. Just like if someone stole the cash from your savings account today but if you didn’t find out until 2032. It wasn’t finding out that created the issue, it’s the fact the theft happened. Not knowing you have been robbed doesn’t make it okay.

Read cheating in a nutshell. How to help my spouse heal from my affair. And Not just friends. Go post on Surviving infidelity website. If you aren’t prepared to ask yourself ‘why’.

Then tell your husband. Give him agency. Let him know his truth and the real person he married. Let him decide his future. Don’t let him live a fake life. It’s selfish. Cheaters want to control the situation. They are selfish. They think they deserve more than their spouse. They deny another’s agency. They hug their spouse, smile sweetly, while stabbing them in the back.

Why are you okay doing that? You need to ask yourself some tough questions.

Bad marriages don’t cause cheating. Poor boundaries, poor characteristics and a ‘but’ in their fidelity cause cheating. Then history is rewritten to keep you the good guy in your story.

So block him today and choose your husband. If you put half the energy into him that you put into dreaming about low boundary bloke then you may have a better marriage. But don’t use your husband - and don’t say ‘I don’t want to hurt him’ you already did the minute you crossed the line. All you would be doing by confessing is letting him know his truth and giving back his agency.

You were brave coming on here today. You no doubt knew you’d get some shit. Keep being brave. Decide who you want to be and be that person. It’s okay to not be monogamous, it’s not okay to pretend to be monogamous whilst shagging other people.

Good luck op.

Oh and read John Gottmans books. Amazing relationship books. Read with your husband and do the quizzes. A focus on safety vs intimacy can cause a ‘best friend’ feeling. But intimacy comes from honesty and being true to yourself - which is hard to achieve when you are lying.

I Don’t envy you op, but I hope you get where you want to be. Hope you find happiness.

@FairyMaclary

Then tell your husband. Give him agency. Let him know his truth and the real person he married. Let him decide his future. Don’t let him live a fake life. It’s selfish. Cheaters want to control the situation.

I have read many many advice columns where a trained person like a psychologist has said sometimes to not tell is kinder.

Sometimes people tell to assuage their own guilt. But they have then put a massive burden on their partner. Their partner doesn't want the relationship to end but they can't get over the pain. So they now have a massive trauma to deal with. Anything they choose is painful for them.
This isn't always the best or kindest thing if someone is truly remorseful and has learnt and won't do it again.

Do you think the OP sounds like she’s truly remorseful and won’t do it again?

Would you be open to changing your contact number & totally, totally deleting his number?

A drunken one night stand where the cheat is devastated and attends counselling and gives up alcohol I can see the logic of someone saying best not to tell. (I’m not sure I agree btw but I can see your point).

A long term affair is thousands and thousands of decisions to stab your husband in the back while telling him that you love him. You give them Xmas cards, valentines cards, you say I love you. While shagging someone else. How can you truly change if you continue to deny another person agency? Why shouldn’t her husband get to choose if he wants to remain married? Why does the cheater need to remain in control? Why can’t he know that he needs to
get an std check done? A cheat doesn’t believe in monogamy (well not for them anyway - they often think their spouse should be monogamous).

Cheaters think they deserve more, more sex, more men, more knowledge. They are often unsatisfied with the 80% the spouse gives. They deserve 100%. Husband gets to know what she thinks he can cope with. I cannot see how anyone can become a safe partner with that thought process. Changing means genuinely changing. Not just promising not to cheat (a cheater did that once before in front of other people during a ceremony and look how that turned out).

The evidence they have the ability to think beyond what they want (often called needs) is them admitting they did something terrible and they chose to lie, cheat and destroy their marriage. It’s giving their spouse their agency and accepting that spouses choice. It’s recognising they chose to throw a grenade into the marriage rather than talking or divorcing or putting up with the 80%.

Also some counsellors advice on cheating is nonsense. Unmet needs theory, for example, is rubbish. Some say the marriage is to blame. Again rubbish. Others say it only happens in bad marriages, again rubbish. The way cheating is portrayed in the media is dreadful and inaccurate. Cheating causes ptsd. It’s emotional abuse.

I agree he will be devastated but that possibility was created the minute a cheat oversteps the boundary. She is also putting her trust in a cheating partner who sounds very questionable - who has he told?

If you do confess op, don’t trickle truth. Often lies cause the end of the marriage not the cheating. Read the books I mentioned. Look at the website. I genuinely wish you well.

@HungryBeagle

Do you think the OP sounds like she’s truly remorseful and won’t do it again?

I have to agree

I think @FairyMaclary has said it all.

The trouble with this thinking is ultimately if someone is remorseful they want the cheated on partner to have their personal agency and right to make decisions about their life given back to them. Not telling continues to remove that right AND continues to control a narrative.

Once you start cheating you have already damaged your partner, you’ve already started abusive behaviours lying, gas lighting, manipulation, distancing etc etc. The trauma has often already begun, the truth helps make sense of it all.

This is why infidelity is so utterly destructive, it passes pain on as soon as you start making your choices.

Have you really not got anything more interesting to do than sleep with a man who clearly doesn't like you or respect you.

He's never shown you an ounce of care or love from what you've said, it sounds like a punishment to me, being intimate with someone who doesn't actually like you enough to even lie and say nice things, and he's a pisshead to boot.

People are weird.

And you've apparently got a nice one at home, what's the deal is this man much more attractive than your husband ? I'm presuming so as it's gone on for so long, or he has some other feature, power, money maybe ?, there has to be something whereby you'd risk it all for being a used shag. I think that's the difference between men and women, some men will have sex with pretty much any woman if it's unconditional, whereby women tend to gravitate to something better, looks, finances, power etc.

But it's just a dream in many cases, a woman who is not wanted wholly as a primary mate is subjected to demeaning and soul destroying feelings, why do it to yourself, surely the actual short act of sex does not make up for the abysmal feelings of low self worth you must feel afterwards.

Quite apart from what you are doing to your husband, maybe that's it, maybe that's how you get your kicks by thinking of your husband as a mug.

Poor bloke.
Tell him and allow him to get his rocks off with someone else, honestly he deserves a decent shag without the person he's doing it with looking at him like he's a pathetic specimen.

Just think he could be having sex with someone right now with someone who isn't a liar, that's a turn on in itself don't you think op, give him that gift, you know it makes sense, there's so many possitives, cleaner bill of health, no lies or gaslighting, no partner who's emotionally unnavailable due to spreading yourself abit thin, no depression due to pinning for another man's dick, the list is endless.

No I really can't see any plus signs for him, get him dumped and try to chase after the om, much more suited I think, and if you can't get him get a hobby, chess or something, maybe poker, I think you'd be good at that.

I have been in a similar situation but did not sleep with OM. He has a girlfriend and family and I am married. I looked at the mess this was and the way he was treating me. He was adding my female friends on social media and ghosting me for weeks on end. I saw him last Dec in a supermarket he basically ignored me. I did speak to him but he wasn’t friendly. I had enough and distanced myself and left him to lots of other girls and his girlfriend. You have to cut ties too if you want your relationship to recover. I am not sure what I want really at times but I know having an affair will not help anything. They are destructive and messy. My advice would be try and stay no contact this guy is no good and is using you.