Can't move on from affair

[GetactiveinMarch]

I had an affair - noone found out but I have gradually tried to fade it away because I just kept going back. My husband is kind, loving and generous. The other man is a player. I know I deserve it and will be told how nasty I am but I am truly lost as to moving on. It went on for a long time and not once did the other man admit any deep feelings for me. I do love my husband but like a best friend. Life with the other man would be awful; he drinks too much, stuck in his own ways and basically quite selfish. My children are grown up. On the outside I have everything I ever wanted but I feel so sad and lonely. I go for a couple of weeks no contact and then back to square 1 again. Anybody else had this?

You say lots of complimentary things about your h, but are you actually into him? Are you attracted to him? Do you think you have the right feelings?

You've treated him very poorly (and continue to).

Do you think he's a great guy but you just don't have the right feelings for him?

Hi OP. I have been in your position. When I ended the relationship, I was consumed by obsessive thoughts. I won't sugar coat it, it was an awful and miserable time. But it does get better and time does heal. For me, it took two years, but now I look back and am grateful I had the strength to walk away. You can do the same.

Every time you want to contact him say to yourself "I'll do it tomorrow"

Block him on EVERYTHING. Delete his number. Change yours. Be serious about it !

I used to check my exes Instagram every day religiously. I then made a rule I could only look once in the morning. Eventually I started forgetting to check in the morning so it would be a couple of days between checks, then it got longer and longer until now I very rarely even think about looking.

Its like an addiction. You're addicted to the high/dopamine that he provides. But just like a drug, he is NO GOOD FOR YOU. Cold turkey !

OP can you get some counselling/therapy?

You might be able to work out why you have low self esteem/low boundaries that you would put yourself through this car crash of a situation. Work through what a healthy relationship looks like.

@Rileybb Cock lodger!

Wow, 2/3 of posts are scummy women saying move stop the affair and move on as if nothing has happened.

Nice double standards again.

I'm waiting for the inevitable comments that say it's somehow the husband's fault.

Brought to you by the same forum who say LTB for husbands who follow a few bikini-clad celebrities on social media :)

If you were a bloke posting you’d be getting a lot more stick on here.

Clearly you don’t have a lot of morals . You are also very selfish. Cake and eat it and all that.

You sound incredibly self absorbed so you either shape up and suck it up and block this bloke or carry on and keep shagging him.

Choice is yours but you have no sympathy from me I am afraid.

If your husband is as good as you make out then I think you should leave him to find someone who deserves him.

I don't know why you'd care what OM is doing, who he's talking to etc etc. Stop acting like some starstruck teenager.

Why don’t you want to separate from your husband?

Doesn’t he deserve someone who isn’t lying to him, loves him like a husband not a friend, doesn’t betray him, doesn’t expend. Huge amounts of physical and emotional energy on another man?

If you cared for your husband or even liked him and respected him, you wouldn’t be keeping him in the dark about all this, you would tell him everything and let him choose wether he stays in the marriage or not. You are doing it because it benefits you. You are staying because it’s of benefit to you.

Sounds like you actually just want the benefits of having a husband and want your affair partner. You don’t feel guilt at all, or not in a significant amount because you won’t be able to look your husband in the face. You just want to talk about here because you are addicted to the drama of it all so want to talk about it to keep the excitement up.

I bet if OM declared he loved you, you would be off like a shot. Facts are you are just an ego boost for him, he is a shit who gets a boost by shagging another man’s wife and you happen to just let him.

OP a lot of the responses are far from helpful. I understand why some are saying there are double standards but the dynamics between men and women in society are very different.

We are conditioned completely differently.

Yes you are being selfish etc but my earlier point stands get some counselling/therapy to work out why you have low standards for yourself/low boundaries.

It will also help you work through whether you can be honest with your DH and split amicably perhaps if you no longer want to be in the marriage and prefer to be on the "market"

@jeaux90
I'm curious what you mean about being conditioned differently. Is this an excuse, a justification...?

Cheating is cheating, irrespective of gender/sex.

What a joke of an answer.

OP has committed adultery and broken her marriage vowels.

Cheating is cheating.

“ Conditioning “ is fuck all to do with it .

I think the OP is getting plenty of stick. Not particularly constructive. I don't really understand the point of people just posting to tell someone that they are a shit.

You people would make terrible psychologist.

I disagree.

Of course women are conditioned differently. But they aren’t conditioned to cheat, to break their marriage vows, lie to their husbands all so they can benefits from the marriage.

If you are suggesting women, due to conditioning, can’t help cheating if they do they must have some sort of self esteem problem, then you don’t think of women as fully functioning adults.

This sort of rhetoric isn’t enlightened. It’s casting women as perpetual victims, unable to make decisions for themselves. It’s saying if women have self esteem problems they can’t be expected to make good choices.

Women are not children. They make decisions just like men do. They can choose to screw over their partner or not. Women are fully functioning adults who make choices good or bad and are responsible for those choices.

I don’t understand the desperation to defend women to the point you are basically saying women can’t help themselves but to do shitty things. How is that forward thinking for women?

Who is trying to be a psychologist?

If you want advice from a psychologist, you would go to a psychologist. Not mumsnet.

I don’t profess to be a psychologist. What that has to do with this I don’t know 🙄

I know what’s right and what’s wrong. What op is doing is wrong.

I can’t have sympathy for that . Op is an adult and knew what she was doing.

It would absolutely be a different story on here if Op was male.

OP would you want to know if your husband was behaving like this behind your back so that you could choose whether you wanted to continue spending your life with him? If so, you should give him the same choice.

Exactly! Sounds like the Andrew Tate narrative: "Men won't remember the face of the woman they cheated with. Women are much more emotional creatures and cheating for them involves a lot of thinking and developing feelings. Therefore man cheating = okay, women cheating = bad"

I speak as the wife cheated on, your husband deserves better. Tell him and let him decide your fate, cheating is calculated and totally selfish. You shouldn't get to decide what happens next, I genuinely feel sorry for your husband. Sounds like you and ap deserve each other!

This. It's disgusting that your husband is in a farce of a marriage without his knowledge, and his health put at risk by your behaviour choices. That you think you are all he deserves? Brutal. Do better by him and divorce him so he can enjoy life with someone trustworthy.

Yet how many times do we hear people saying to men they are justified in seeking sex elsewhere if their oh doesn’t do it for them. That it’s their oh fault for not being sexy enough, or keeping the relationship thrilling and exciting. That despite being a good wife, and a very good person, if she isn’t bending over ( literally) at ever opportunity then go and shag someone else.

Eh? Never.
What does that thing you just made up have to do with OP treating her husband so disgustingly?

I’ve never heard anyone say this. I’m sure some men say it to some other men, but that’s it.

What I mean is that normal, decent people don’t say this.

I think @Whycantiwinmillionsandsquillions was making a point at the number of posters on here implying it’s the husbands fault that his wife is cheating. And yep they’re here with the ‘what is the sex like with your DH?’ And the ‘can you create more fun in the bedroom?’ comments.

The husband who OP has made clear IS a kind man (therefore not in any way ‘abusive’ thereby deserving) is now being accused of being shit in bed in another attempt to make it HIS fault!

It’s awful and wouldn’t happen if the betrayed were female (or is this genuinely how these posters actually feel when the victim of infidelity is female which I suspect).

This constant ‘oh you poor sausage not having your needs met’ bs is victim blaming at its finest!