To think that women are often not abusive unless she's being abused?

[Bigbrookie]

I was in a domestic abuse training session this week and the person leading the training said that she has never seen, in 20 years of doing her role as a support worker for domestic abuse, a situation where the man isn't actually abusing the woman where a woman is accused of abusing a man. She said this is particularly the case where young dependents are involved because the woman usually is less powerful than the man in the first place and the man is often using his power to take advantage over the woman.

She said that in all the cases she has seen where a woman has reacted physically towards a man, there has been manipulative and controlling behaviour towards the woman first and the have reacted with overwhelm. I thought this was interesting.

What is other people's take on this?

Could her view maybe be tainted? Maybe abusive men are more likely to report abuse from their partner in retaliation. Whereas genuinely abused men are less likely to report abuse out of embarrassment or fear of being judged.

My DH suffered both mental and physical abuse at the hands of his ex. He's the kindest soul and I've never seen any kind of abusive behaviour from him. His ex has openly admitted to assaulting him and her ex partner before him. He's been on his knees begging her to stop and she even told him "I can't promise you it won't happen again".

She is a vile human being and some of the things she has done are truly unbelievable. I absolutely think women can be abusive towards men without actually being abused themselves.

Yeah, "she hit me first" or "self defence" is the common justification of the abusive male.

Men who are physically lor psychologically abused by their partner often won't report it.

Physical abuse is apparently relatively common in lesbian relationships. Reality is men are typically physically a lot stronger than women and bigger.

We do know male victims of violence or coercive control are overwhelmingly unlikely to report. So those stats are unlikely to be representative of reality. I don’t know what the reality is, but logic dictates the male victim number will be higher.

I often see people say "oh yes some women are abusive in relationships but 99% of domestic violence is male against female". I don't believe this is true. People will be surprised by these findings of one of the largest ever studies in to domestic violence:

"From 2010 to 2012, scholars of domestic violence from the U.S., Canada and the U.K. assembled The Partner Abuse State of Knowledge, a research database covering 1700 peer-reviewed studies, the largest of its kind. Among its findings:[66]
Rates of female-perpetrated violence are higher than male-perpetrated (28.3% vs. 21.6%)"

This will blow the minds of people who think women are always the victims.

A man I used to work with a few years ago regularly came in with bruises with black eyes he'd wear sunglasses to cover. He was far too ashamed and embarrassed to report the fact they were from his partner. Although he admitted it to some colleagues he couldn't accept or see that he was in an abusive relationship.

His partner worked in the same department and was a very toxic person even in work.

I think a lot of men who are victims of domestic abuse are also fearful if he did report it then they would counterclaim that he was abusive and he would be the one in trouble. Men who are abusive use the same defence when report, but men have the physical advantage.

I don't think female on male violence taken seriously until more recently.

Women hitting men (particularly their partners) was traditionally an easy laugh in a sitcom for example. It wouldn't be so much now.

Yes as the mother of sons it’s something I think about. My priority is to teach them to be kind. But I also need to teach them the standards they can expect and what good looks like in a relationship.

isn't that the same excuse male abusers use? that they got physical because their partner pushed to it? because she was emotionally abusing them?

and what of women who abuse children?

Your Trainer should be giving evidence based information not anecdotal information.

This is an awful take and the trainer should be reconsidering their profession.

My dad was a victim of violence from my mum for years and never lifted a finger to her. He still suffers to this day (he left her when I was 5).

Another here who thinks this is not true and your trainer should not have said this. Women are not saints and can be just as flawed as men.

Yes, reactive abuse is a thing and many women who physically abuse men are responding to abuse. But not all - there are women who are physically abusive to their partners and are the initiators of the abuse. As PP have said, it is under-reported and only now starting to be taken seriously, but it does happen. Your trainer is irresponsible in suggesting otherwise.

No, this isn't true. Worrying a professional is spouting this misinformation.

Abusive Women are underreported, the extra shame of being abused by a woman and the lack of belief impact on stats. I don't believe they were all abused.

What professional is spouting such rubbish? Thankfully, females on male domestic abuse is now being reported more.

But with views like hers no wonder men are scared to come forward and say I was abused by a woman.

Has anyone watched "My wife, my abuser"? It was heartbreaking.

I think it's a case of the trainer looking for it/wanting to see it. I reckon in 100% of cases where men have been physically abusive to their partners, those men would also say they've been provoked. Just like the women perpetrators are saying.

The reality is that it's very, very rare that someone just decides to physically attack their own partner with no 'provocation'. The notion that men are neanderthals who use violence as their primary method of communication is comically oversimplified and outdated.

When a man hits a woman it's the man's fault, but when a woman hits a man it's the mans fault as well. Double standards, no? If it's acceptable for a woman to be violent because she was provoked then it should be the same for everyone.

For years it's actually been socially acceptable for women to be abusive to their partners. We all know a man or two who everyone considers 'under the thumb', but no one considers that it's abuse. If a woman slaps her male partner round the face, the whole pub erupts into laughter. Every time.

What I hear from my kids at secondary school is that these days the physical fights are almost all between girls. 30 years ago it was mainly boys scrapping, now it rarely is. I don't know if this is pertinent to domestic abuse for the future, but society seems to be creating a lot of angry, aggressive women these days.

I think it's absolutely fair to comment on percentages. Men are undoubtedly more predisposed to commit abuse on the whole.

Child abuse is overwhelmingly committed by the mother though.

Well if that’s her experience then that’s her experience. My own experience is completely different. Two of my exes had been physically abused by a female partner to the extent the men ended up in hospital. One of the women was an alcoholic and the other had a personality disorder. Neither man was ever abusive to me during our relationship and I find it hard to believe they ‘provoked’ the ex.

My current partner’s ex is not violent, but she is emotionally and verbally abusive. Not just to my partner but to her other kid’s dad, and sometimes to her family. She has MH issues and displays narcissistic behaviour. I can’t speak for the other dad but my partner is the most gentle, placid man, and ignores her abuse 99% of the time (which a narcissist hates).

The cliche about men being too embarrassed to seek help is true, and I really think the statistics are skewed.