To think that women are often not abusive unless she's being abused?

[Bigbrookie]

I was in a domestic abuse training session this week and the person leading the training said that she has never seen, in 20 years of doing her role as a support worker for domestic abuse, a situation where the man isn't actually abusing the woman where a woman is accused of abusing a man. She said this is particularly the case where young dependents are involved because the woman usually is less powerful than the man in the first place and the man is often using his power to take advantage over the woman.

She said that in all the cases she has seen where a woman has reacted physically towards a man, there has been manipulative and controlling behaviour towards the woman first and the have reacted with overwhelm. I thought this was interesting.

What is other people's take on this?

Agreed.

@Britpop123 - don't call people disengenuous and you will not have these difficulties.

I agree with you.

My son was the victim of abuse from a woman.
Physical, emotional, financial, mental and sexual.
The police wanted him to press charges, he did not.
He did nothing to ask for this nor did he deserve this.
The police wanted to arrest her without a statement from my son as his sister had evidence of the abuse on her phone.
My son told his sister if she handed the evidence to the police and got his girlfriend arrested, their relationship would be over so she backed out.
Police will only arrest in domestic violence situation without a victim statement if it is a particularly bad case.
I hope all of you who think men ask for it don't have sons.

@MyLemonBee

Interesting post you have just posted,
about your male victims of domestic abuse and how 🤔 your male friend's dynamics of relantship is more common than people realise ect,

Why do you think men like your male friend stay in relantships dynamics like this and are acctracted initially to someone like this too?

@winewine / why did your son not make a statement?

@MyLemonBee
Sorry about typo mistake word your * in my ubove post,
i am texting while on a bus journey

@bombastix
Because he loved her and wanted the relationship to continue.
He was completely brainwashed.
The control she had over him was unbelievable.
She eventually left him as he wouldn't go along with her "conditions".
They were to disown his whole family, get married and change job as she did not like the fact he had friends there. He was not allowed friends, especially female.

He should have made a statement. Love does not conquer this kind of behaviour. If he left of his own accord however that is a healthy step, @winewine

I think you overestimate your impact if you think I’m in difficulty

anyway, this is a serious thread and we can both play nicely. I respect your legal knowledge and what you’ve shared on that has been interesting

easy to say what he should have done. Victims of both sexes find it very hard to do. I think men also have the societal pressure of feeling that no-one will believe a man can be a victim to contend with.

It is vile. I have read through the freedom programs literature this week and was appalled by it.

As a family member of somebody who is a victim of domestic abuse from a female partner it is this sort of attitude that makes it difficult for men to access support and advise and be taken seriously.

Every single professional involved from police, courts, social services do not take it seriously if you are a male victim and continue to empower the female abusers.

Not in all cases.

I have some acquaintances where she is the abusive, she is controlling and verbally abusing her DH. He is very passive, rarely raises his voice, when she tells he just ignores her and goes to other room. She has also hit him once or so.

Although, in their case I think it's because he doesn't love her. They sort of broke up but keep the appearances for their kid, they have no physical or emotional relationship, they are roommates. They can't afford to leave separate either so they just continue on this super toxic relationship. She goes crazy and yells at him even in front of the kid.

Bollocks. It's rare but it happens. DV against males is massively under reported for obvious reasons.
Women can be just as nasty as men - just look at some of the responses on MN if you need proof

It is not easy to say anything. I have seen little children have to talk the abuse they receive from the parents. They still love them. It is not easy for anyone. People who have the courage can be in a better position to recover. The actual conviction of offenders does not mean so much for victims, but declaration of what happened and being taken seriously is very important for recovery from trauma which is the result of abusive behaviour.

@bombastix
Unfortunately he didn't leave her, she left him as he could not walk away from his family and friends.
He used to call in secret but if she found out he would pay the price.
He once insisted he was going to his sisters baby shower and she told him he couldn't.
He said she couldn't stop him leaving the house, he was a lot bigger than her.
He didn't show up. She did not stop him leaving but instead raked the skin off the side of his face with her nails.
He was too embarrassed to come and did not want to explain what happened to us.

Agreed

@winewine - testing the skin off someone's face to make a mark is actual bodily harm!

Tearing. I mean that is serious. Nobody has to report but making a mark on another person is not control. It is assault at a minimum

I would imagine there's a very high percentage where the women are being abused. There are also cases where women abuse men, although they're a tiny number when compared to male on female abuse.

It's been 2 years now.
My son has not been the same since. I don't think he ever will.
And as a family sitting there whilst it's happening and there's nothing you can do.
I always thought I would not stand for anyone to do this to any of my children, but when you have to tread very carefully as not to push them further to their abuser it's awful.

@bombastix
Yes it is assault, but what i meant is whilst she could not physically overpower him and stop him leaving she made him feel shame and embarrassment so he didn't go from his own choice.
A lot of people say women cannot abuse men as men are physically stronger.
I was just trying to point out you can be smaller and weaker but still exert control.
She had scratched his body before, given him black eyes and a concussion. This is why the police wanted to arrest her but he kept on defending her saying it didn't really hurt,he could stop her if he wanted to.

I disagree. I've known plenty of abusive women in my time. Maybe they were abused as children but you can say exactly the same about abusive men.

I don’t think anyone (sensible) is disputing that the male victims are in a small minority compared to the female ones

I’m not sure that helps though. It can sound like it’s being minimised by saying “oh but it’s very rare”

Unfortunately I know a couple of men who were abused by their female partner. It's usually psychological rather than physical.