Have you ever felt like you 'loved' your partner even though they were abusive?

[Minnaeus]

If you are in, or have ever been in, an abusive relationship, have you ever felt that you 'loved' your partner even though you knew he/she was abusive?

It is hard to define 'love', - but I mean feeling like you care for them, feeling like you are emotionally attached (especially when times are good) and can't bear losing them, finding them attractive, often enjoying their company, not wanting them to be hurt and lonely.

No

Not personally, but believe it’s all part of the abuse usually. I don’t want to comment on your personal circumstances or experiences as you haven’t shared so just speaking generally.

Sometimes ‘love bombing’ happens in the first stages of the relationship. The person will be completely perfect, paint themselves as your dream person etc.

Once they get you under their spell, so to speak the abuse will begin. So in that case, it would be completely natural to feel love for that person because your primarily feeling love for the person you fell in love with.

Yes. I was in an extremely abusive relationship for three years, though I didn't come to realise that until near the end. It was the worst time of my life, and yet I couldn't bear the thought of losing her.

Many people assume women don't leave an abusive relationship because they are too scared

It's actually incredibly common for women to still feel love for their abuser

The makeup period after an instance of abuse can be incredibly addictive

Nope, I've had plenty of relationships, any sign of abuse puts me off and kills love, as it should, so why doesn't it in your case? That is for you to work out, probably with therapy.
I'd be lying to say that I've instantly dumped every time, sometimes a thing has trundled on a tad longer than it could of, but there's always been less feeling and I've got round to it soon enough even with pretty low level stuff - no violence or swearing, more having strops unnecessarily. The older I get, the less I tolerate I find. Hope you improve with age and experience.

thanks @BookwormDadUK . This really resonates with me.

I'm sorry to hear that. Do you have support? If you recognise that you're in an abusive relationship, please walk away no matter how painful it is. It will never get better and will almost definitely get worse. You will never regret leaving an abusive relationship.

For what it's worth, I went on to meet an amazing woman; we've been together for 9 years, married for 6 and have a family. She had also been in a very similar relationship. In all that time, I can honestly say we have never raised our voices to each other or used a derogatory name, let alone exerted any control or physical violence.

Whatever your future holds, I promise it's better than being abused.

Yes, with both of mine. it is something to do with the highs and lows of the relationship that keep you hooked into the cycle. And the difficulty/danger of leaving that makes it safer to persuade yourself that it is love. And that the abuser is so overwhelmed (before becoming abusive) when you announce that you are leaving, that you feel responsible and have to help them. It is such hard work to leave that it is easy to hang onto the intense emotions of the roller coaster ride

No, but trying to leave made me feel panicky. Like withdrawal from something. I think it was almost like a brainwashing thing or Stockholm syndrome. Probably what comes of tiptoeing around someone and then having to leave in secret.

Yes, because the abuse wasn't constant, it wasn't all bad but I didn't fully appreciate how the bad bits affected me outside of those times.

It's not always straightforward to appreciate, and in my case at all I didn't know what a lot of people thought until after I left. From saying nothing to "so glad you left her, she was horrible to you". Various perspectives, but all amounting to same thing. It's curious, my impression of some was that during bad moments they saw they were on her side but my impression wasn't right at all 🤷‍♂️

Yes. I pitied him for his past - he made himself the helpless victim- and it was almost like the kind of protective feeling one would feel for a child, a very powerful protective feeling.
he made me feel like I was the only one who could understand him, who would stand by him. He appealed to my sense of loyalty and honor, which are very strong instincts of mine.
he love-bombed, which is the beginning of abuse sometimes - it’s abusive in that it creates a completely false warm, wonderful image and memory of the person, and later it’s impossible to reconcile the way they behave with the person we associate with the loving times.

so I thought his behavior was my fault. It all happened very slowly, over years - he broke down my sense of self to such an extent that I was jumping through hoops, walking on eggshells trying to “earn” or be worthy of him being that kind, loving person with me again.

he would triangulate- he’d be that kind, loving person with others so I could see it, and just wasn’t worthy of that anymore myself.

it all broke when I realized that I do not treat others with kindness or respect because they’ve somehow EARNED it. I am not capable of treating others cruelly because they’ve earned THAT, either.

I treat others with respect because that is who I am, and who I choose to be, daily.

so I came up with a rule for myself. Since so many of us who follow “the golden rule” are harmed by these kinds of cruel people, my new rule was an addition to that:

do not accept treatment from others that is a way you would never treat someone else. Do not accept it for yourself, either. Walk away.

I’ve followed that rule ever since I got free - and I am much happier.

I do not think I could ever “love” an abuser again. They’d never get close enough. I wish people healing and walk away FAST when I see even a hint of a red flag.

You fall in love with them because of who they pretend to be in the beginning, and you hold on to that memory and recognize when that person emerges in between the bad times. When you learn about abuse you learn that the person you fell in love with didn’t exist and everything was smoke mirrors and manipulation. But it takes a long time to realize this because it doesn’t make sense to a normal person

I think I went through phases of loving them and not loving them, almost like a switch that seemed to flick on and off which I've never experienced in any other relationship before. What sort of abuse are you experiencing? I think the type of abuse is important as part of manipulative abuse is to entice you back in so there has to be a level of kindness.

Yes of course. We wouldn't stay if we didn't feel we loved them. I think I genuinely did love him for a long time.

Oh definitely. My ex was controlling, aggressive, violent, just an all round horrible person… but he was also funny, charming, handsome and when he wasn’t attacking me, verbally and/or physically for, amongst other things, extra unexplained mileage on my car or wearing eyeliner or matching underwear to work, we were (precariously!!) happy. I loved him so much, but he put his arm around my throat one day and that was one step too far for me. Love’s no good when you’re dead.

Yes
Look up trauma bonds OP
The falling in love and loving him are exactly what stops you from leaving.
Plus every episode of abuse by itself doesn't feel quite enough reason to leave him
Then the episodes get marginally worse over time, and before you know it you've lost yourself entirely

OP please get help to get out

Good luck

I don’t think it’s unusual to be in love with an abusive man.
Abuse in a relationship seeps in gradually and is sometimes difficult to recognise or uncomfortable to acknowledge.

As already mentioned, abusers aren’t always abusive- they can also be charismatic, charming, funny, intelligent confident, successful, respected and extremely attractive and that’s why abusive men often have no trouble at all attracting women into relationships.

Abusive behaviour can be a symptom of a psychological condition or personality disorder- many abusive men exhibit traits of NPD or EUPD.
Women may excuse some of the behaviour as a result of their partner’s mental health issues, upbringing, past trauma etc and pity them. Many times a peak in abuse is followed by heart felt apologies and “valid”excuses.

Women often repeat history- they have had an abusive relationship modelled to them by a parent and are attracted to men who display similar traits.

Its very complex but I don’t think it’s ever helpful to blame the victim or judge them.

This applies to abusive women also .

Yes I still loved him even though he beat me up regularly. I used to think he was doing it because it was my fault, and the day after he was very nice and affectionate.

Silly looking back

Yes it’s trauma bonding. Did you have an abusive childhood? You are not alone with these feelings. 🌺

Yes totally, often abusers show their true colours only when they know the person is deeply committed to them and then they start pushing various boundaries. Loving someone being an inherently selfless act, but also producing needs of our own due to vulnerability you feel when in love, is the perfect ground to build something that lasts forever. For an abusive manipulator though, it’s the perfect ground to drain someone dry and control them.

Read up on the trauma bond. It’s a ghastly dynamic to be in.

Yes, he was horrifically cruel and still I loved him madly. I was longing for the person he pretended to be in the beginning but that person never existed.

Yes, he was the love of my life, it took me 30 years to finally say ...no more.

I no longer love my DH because of his abusive behaviour. He hasn’t physically assaulted me but he rages, has sworn at me, has thrown things a couple of times and belittles me.
After the abuse there is always a period of him being nice, helpful, normal etc which diminishes the way I feel after the abuse and makes me wonder if I’m overreacting.
My situation is very complicated so leaving isn’t easy but the one time I came close to leaving he emotionally manipulated me by saying he would die alone if we separated which made me feel awful and guilty and did exactly what he wanted it to do, make me feel sorry for him and stay.
I hope one day I get the courage to leave.

I was deeply in love with my abuser for years, I finally fell out of love with him but stayed another 2 years!