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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have you ever felt like you 'loved' your partner even though they were abusive?

33 replies

Minnaeus · 07/03/2024 23:12

If you are in, or have ever been in, an abusive relationship, have you ever felt that you 'loved' your partner even though you knew he/she was abusive?

It is hard to define 'love', - but I mean feeling like you care for them, feeling like you are emotionally attached (especially when times are good) and can't bear losing them, finding them attractive, often enjoying their company, not wanting them to be hurt and lonely.

OP posts:

SmileyClare · 08/03/2024 08:14

Ocean24 · 08/03/2024 07:51

I no longer love my DH because of his abusive behaviour. He hasn’t physically assaulted me but he rages, has sworn at me, has thrown things a couple of times and belittles me.
After the abuse there is always a period of him being nice, helpful, normal etc which diminishes the way I feel after the abuse and makes me wonder if I’m overreacting.
My situation is very complicated so leaving isn’t easy but the one time I came close to leaving he emotionally manipulated me by saying he would die alone if we separated which made me feel awful and guilty and did exactly what he wanted it to do, make me feel sorry for him and stay.
I hope one day I get the courage to leave.

I hope so too, You deserve a better life x

Yirk · 08/03/2024 09:13

Don't leave it as long as I did, I have never really moved on from the after effects , my life is done now I'm to old to be bothered or care.

XMissPlacedX · 08/03/2024 09:32

Yes. I was in a relationship for 7 years with an alcoholic. When he was drunk he was abusive, when sober the exact opposite.

He never hit me sober and was a completely different man, I loved that man so much. Once 3 pints were down his neck his eyes would change and I would hate the man he became.

I eventually left once his kids were old enough to make the choice to move in with their mum who was lovely.

It's strange being in love with an abuser, there really was genuinely 2 different sides to him, but the addiction kept pulling him back.

CatLevelCare · 08/03/2024 13:23

Op, please don't put yourself through this. If you can't do it for you, do it for your children.

They deserve that you make the right choices.

Satonthesofa11 · 08/03/2024 20:23

I did but now I can’t stand him really, he’s just a horrible person now I’ve realised he isn’t normal.

Original poster

Minnaeus · 09/03/2024 23:26

Thank you everybody for all the wisdom and for sharing your experiences.

It is reassuring to know that I'm not alone in these feelings.

Sending strength to those of you who are in abusive relationships. And to those who've had terrible experiences in the past. 💐

OP posts:

Original poster

Minnaeus · 09/03/2024 23:30

spookehtooth · 08/03/2024 01:08

Yes, because the abuse wasn't constant, it wasn't all bad but I didn't fully appreciate how the bad bits affected me outside of those times.

It's not always straightforward to appreciate, and in my case at all I didn't know what a lot of people thought until after I left. From saying nothing to "so glad you left her, she was horrible to you". Various perspectives, but all amounting to same thing. It's curious, my impression of some was that during bad moments they saw they were on her side but my impression wasn't right at all 🤷‍♂️

Hi @spookehtooth , you say that the bad bits affected you in the times when it wasn't bad. I can relate to that. I feel like I have an undercurrent of unease even when we're having a very good day.

OP posts:

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 09/03/2024 23:43

I’m 3 1/2 years out and still in therapy!

They take you to hell and back - literally.

Look up Trauma Bonding online. Loads on YouTube and Insta. It’s well recognised and a valid situation.

Meanwhile, there’s a wealth of advice on here, there’s Womens Aid and the Police. Please also talk to friends and family. You’ll need support. 💐

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