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Original poster

Feeling insecure about how DP is with other women

46 replies

Lemonstar · 07/03/2024 21:52

I'm struggling with this and don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

I've been seeing my DP for around 6 months. I am very attracted to him, we have a lot in common and I'm definitely feeling in love! He says it's the same for him too.

But I'm also feeling triggered by him sometimes. My ex partner who I was with for years was quite a quiet person and yes, I did see him occasionally looking at other women surreptitiously. But my current DP seems really open and obvious about admiring women. I don't think it's in a pervy way, just if he sees an attractive woman he will have a big smile on his face. Before he met me he hadn't had a relationship for around 5 years (he's now 45) as he says he was looking for the right person, and just physical attraction alone doesn't mean much to him any more.

But I overheard him speaking to his best mate the other day. He said that when he was in the gym he wanted to use this machine and this girl had left her stuff by it, so he went to ask her if she'd finished using it. He was saying to his mate that she was making it obvious that she was interested in him and she was really attractive. They apparently chatted for a couple of minutes about a class that was on, but he didn't keep the conversation going after that. And then he said that he was on a high all day after the conversation as she was so attractive. I was so hurt when I heard this. I told him I'd heard him say this and he looked really awkward and said that it was just guy talk, but why would he have talked about her if it didn't mean anything?

He has apologised and said that our relationship is on a deeper level than any fleeting physical attraction, but the way he was talking about her sounded more than that to be honest. He said that he wouldn't mind at all if I had an interaction like that with a guy and said it's normal to enjoy attention from the opposite gender.

The thing is, I wouldn't be open to having an interaction like that with a guy. Yes, maybe years down the line, but right now I feel that my boyfriend's attention is all I want, I'm not looking for it from anyone else. I guess that's why I feel hurt as I feel he obviously is open to attention from other women.

Maybe this sounds really immature and jealous to be feeling like this, but I can't stop thinking about it, so was hoping to get others views on this. Also he has a few female friends who he is close to and he has admitted that he finds them attractive (I asked him), and he works with a lot of women and I've seen him laughing and joking with some of them.

He is an open, friendly, charismatic person, he is also ethical and said he has never cheated in a relationship. But I'm feeling so insecure about how he is, I don't know if I would be more suited to someone who was a bit quieter and less open and friendly with women. Is it me or him?

OP posts:
occhiazzurri · 07/03/2024 21:59

What you describe does sound a bit like a player who is after every attractive woman they see. And this is amplified by the fact he was single for a long time before you met because he hadn’t found the right woman. Sounds like typical player talk to me.

Are you sure you are in a relationship with him? How did you meet and you know that he is ethical and has never cheated?

Original poster
Lemonstar · 07/03/2024 22:04

@occhiazzurri yes we are in a relationship! Re him never having cheated - that's what he's told me, and from what I know of him and his behaviour, he seems very open, honest and ethical. That's the thing - he's open about his behaviour with women and that he finds them attractive, he's not hiding it! And to him it's not disrespectful or cheating and he wouldn't mind if I was like that with men. So I'm just a bit confused if I'm being unreasonable to feel insecure or if he's crossing a boundary.

OP posts:
occhiazzurri · 07/03/2024 22:09

I am single so I am probably not in the best position to comment but I would find it very odd to have a partner who is so obviously and openly commenting on other women’s attractiveness. I think this would put off a lot of women. Whilst I think both genders can appreciate attractive people from the other sex, I don’t actually know anyone in real life who is so open or engages in the behaviour you describe. More importantly, how does this make you feel? If you are finding that it bothers you or makes you feel insecure, it is clearly not the right relationship. It could also be a way to control you by making you feel insecure or inferior to these other attractive women he sees.

Whiskersoff · 07/03/2024 22:15

I'm a bit wary of "charismatic" people now. I think these are often people who really enjoy attention. Whether or not your boyfriend has actually been a player, been unfaithful before or not - it might be that he just can't resist the idea of female attention. And maybe it's all in his head (I mean, this story about the woman at the gym sounds like total wishful thinking!)... I'd be wary that his "looks don't matter anymore" line really means "I never had much luck with beautiful women, but I still act like a schoolboy if one asks me for the time of day, so enjoy watching me do that while you stand by like a lemon!".

Sorry, it's possible I'm slightly bitter!

Original poster
Lemonstar · 07/03/2024 22:18

@occhiazzurri Thanks for your perspective. Yes I've never met a guy who is like this in this respect either. I wouldn't say he openly comments on other women, it's just I can see it on his face that he is admiring them, and if I mention it, he will willingly say yes he found her attractive (whereas my ex partner would have denied it - I don't actually know which is better!)

How does it make me feel? Yes, insecure - but I am doubting myself as I know I have been prone to jealousy in the past, and I don't want to overreact. But as you say, maybe if I am feeling insecure it isn't the right relationship - but the problem is, I really like him!😫

OP posts:
firsttimeoptimist · 07/03/2024 22:19

My husband is open and chatty with women. He talks about the attractiveness of women with me and others (and almost in a clinical way).
I am also very chatty.
We both have friends of the opposite gender. I have never felt insecure about any of this (I know he would pick me over all of them ;-) - and we have been together a long time (decades).
So, I dont think you are wrong to feel like you feel or he is wrong to be like he is, it just might be that you are not suited.

Shooooo · 07/03/2024 22:25

I’d move on to be honest.

How close were you to hear all that? Alot men are probably a bit like this but don’t tell about it in earshot of their relatively new GF!

Original poster
Lemonstar · 07/03/2024 22:25

@Whiskersoff that's an interesting thought about "charismatic" people just enjoying attention, I think you could be on to something there!

I think I have realised that DP definitely enjoys female attention - and strangely it almost seems for him a separate thing to how he feels about me and our relationship, but for me the two are related!

OP posts:
AntonFeckoff · 07/03/2024 22:26

But I overheard him speaking to his best mate the other day

Do you think he was aware you were listening?

Original poster
Lemonstar · 07/03/2024 22:27

@firsttimeoptimist I think that's amazing that you've never felt insecure, I wish I could be like that to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemonstar · 07/03/2024 22:30

@Shooooo @AntonFeckoff No he definitely didn't know I would hear, I came back into the house after going to the shop and he was on the phone to his mate. He didn't know I'd come back and could hear.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 07/03/2024 22:34

He's disrespectful if he knows you feel uncomfortable but he still carries on with comments about other women.
Commenting and oggling should mean far less to him than you do.
He should be able to drop that behaviour and focus on you in a heart beat... and not feel like he's missing out or sacrificing anything at all.

Sashya · 07/03/2024 22:35

I don't think your description says he is a player. He'd not have been single for 5 years if he was.
But I do think your personalities are different, and you seem quite insecure.

He is friendly and open guy. He is also being honest about enjoying women's attention. And it's completely normal to do so - we are sexual beings and we don't stop noticing other people around us just because we are in a relationship.
It's OK and healthy to admit to it.

Whether people follow up on that - is based on their moral core. You seem to be quite threatened by this and not able to trust him. Is that because of past history? Or do you somehow think that you are not attractive enough compared to women around you? Or out of his league somehow?

You like the guy. He likes you. It's early days. Give it a chance and see if you don't start relaxing and trusting him and, therefore, feeling more secure in the relationship. It'd be a shame to give up so early because you think the whole female world is after your guy. They are not.
And - he chose to be in a relationship with YOU.

firsttimeoptimist · 07/03/2024 22:40

@Lemonstar I havn't but that is in part because despite my husband being chatty and popular with women (he is quite handsome) he has always made me feel like I am THE most important, THE most attractive (I am not by standard beauty definitions) so I have absolutely no reason to feel that way!

I think it IS always an ego boost when someone attractive lets you know they are interested. I think being flattered and bragging a little is normal.
But something is not quite right if you feel that he would have picked this women over you or if you feel threatened by his personality and way with women. He won't change. It is who he is. You have to decide if you can deal with it or you need to move on for your own sanity!

Whiskersoff · 07/03/2024 22:46

I don't think your description says he is a player. He'd not have been single for 5 years if he was.

I think that can be exactly why a man is single for a long time! Playing the field, or trying to. Or maybe not, maybe it's exactly like he says and he was just waiting for the right woman (without messing around a whole load of other women in the meantime). We can't know... You can only go on what happens and how you feel going forward.

NotNowGertrude · 07/03/2024 23:55

I'd always be suspicious of any man who has been "single for 5 years"

I doubt this very much

taylorswift1989 · 08/03/2024 00:01

It doesn't matter if it's you or him who is in the wrong. Maybe neither of you are. But maybe you're not compatible.

You feel insecure, suspicious and unhappy. That's a good enough reason to end the relationship.

He won't change and you should not force yourself to accept something that makes you unhappy.

SleepPrettyDarling · 08/03/2024 00:09

Personally, I’ve always found men like this tricky to be around, and what it comes down to is whether they shift their perspectives when not in a relationship to when they are. I’m an absolutely allergic to anyone who speaks about women’s attractiveness on an objectifying way, but an old enough to know that it happens regardless of what I think. But I’m a relationship with me? Sorry, no. Sometimes it continues with negging of other women (‘I couldn’t fancy her, have you seen her arse?’), and just no. No.

SummerAzure · 08/03/2024 00:16

I'd be really p*ed off if I came back into the house and heard my partner talking to his mate about a flirtation with another woman. You've not been going out that long, he should be singing your praises to his mate not going on about some other woman. He's also showing you who he is by openly admiring other women in front of you. You don't have to put up with this you know. But equally he probably won't change, so your only option is to look for someone more courteous if it makes you unhappy.

Opentooffers · 08/03/2024 00:26

You feel insecure because he's doing things to make you feel that way. Either, he's doing it on purpose and he likes you to feel small because it gives him power, or, his self esteem is actually quite fragile and he needs constant reassurance off other women that he's still got it.
You can tell if its the latter by mirroring his behaviour and see how he likes it. Try talking to a good-looking man in view of him, pass a comment or 2. Test his theory that he's fine with it - I bet he won't be. Then dump him for being a hypocrit and having different rules.

MrsDoubtfire24 · 08/03/2024 00:49

I don't think it's in a pervy way, just if he sees an attractive woman he will have a big smile on his face.

Does he really think women want to be gawped at by a grinning idiot. He sounds about fucking twelve. I’d be revolted.

aurynne · 08/03/2024 02:20

I am very self-confident, but I would feel disappointed in my DP if I heard him speaking like that to a friend. He wouldn't be the man I thought he was.

Listen to your instincts, OP.

WandaWonder · 08/03/2024 03:35

taylorswift1989 · 08/03/2024 00:01

It doesn't matter if it's you or him who is in the wrong. Maybe neither of you are. But maybe you're not compatible.

You feel insecure, suspicious and unhappy. That's a good enough reason to end the relationship.

He won't change and you should not force yourself to accept something that makes you unhappy.

OP read this a few times, it sums it up perfectly

cerisepanther73 · 08/03/2024 04:03

@Lemonstar
I 🤔 think it's normal to find people acctractive whether male or female

It's the idea him telling you so often that he finds them that acctractive is the thing,

Is it in a matter of fact way ,
like how would he feel if you said you found someone or other men acctractive in real life as opposed to fantasies men such as films stars , or pop rocks stars?

Is it just coming from emotional place of just acknowledging like acctractive piece of art works or is it something else?

In previous relationships have ex boyfriends or ex partners have made you feel insecure cause of valid reasons hitting on other women cheating ect

or
Is your insecurities coming from somewhere else where could that be coming from then?

cerisepanther73 · 08/03/2024 04:13

@Lemonstar

I agree with @SummerAzure and @Opentooffers posts too..

I also agree with ubove poster @Whiskersoff insightful poster on Charastmatic men ect..

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