Feeling insecure about how DP is with other women

[Lemonstar]

I'm struggling with this and don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

I've been seeing my DP for around 6 months. I am very attracted to him, we have a lot in common and I'm definitely feeling in love! He says it's the same for him too.

But I'm also feeling triggered by him sometimes. My ex partner who I was with for years was quite a quiet person and yes, I did see him occasionally looking at other women surreptitiously. But my current DP seems really open and obvious about admiring women. I don't think it's in a pervy way, just if he sees an attractive woman he will have a big smile on his face. Before he met me he hadn't had a relationship for around 5 years (he's now 45) as he says he was looking for the right person, and just physical attraction alone doesn't mean much to him any more.

But I overheard him speaking to his best mate the other day. He said that when he was in the gym he wanted to use this machine and this girl had left her stuff by it, so he went to ask her if she'd finished using it. He was saying to his mate that she was making it obvious that she was interested in him and she was really attractive. They apparently chatted for a couple of minutes about a class that was on, but he didn't keep the conversation going after that. And then he said that he was on a high all day after the conversation as she was so attractive. I was so hurt when I heard this. I told him I'd heard him say this and he looked really awkward and said that it was just guy talk, but why would he have talked about her if it didn't mean anything?

He has apologised and said that our relationship is on a deeper level than any fleeting physical attraction, but the way he was talking about her sounded more than that to be honest. He said that he wouldn't mind at all if I had an interaction like that with a guy and said it's normal to enjoy attention from the opposite gender.

The thing is, I wouldn't be open to having an interaction like that with a guy. Yes, maybe years down the line, but right now I feel that my boyfriend's attention is all I want, I'm not looking for it from anyone else. I guess that's why I feel hurt as I feel he obviously is open to attention from other women.

Maybe this sounds really immature and jealous to be feeling like this, but I can't stop thinking about it, so was hoping to get others views on this. Also he has a few female friends who he is close to and he has admitted that he finds them attractive (I asked him), and he works with a lot of women and I've seen him laughing and joking with some of them.

He is an open, friendly, charismatic person, he is also ethical and said he has never cheated in a relationship. But I'm feeling so insecure about how he is, I don't know if I would be more suited to someone who was a bit quieter and less open and friendly with women. Is it me or him?

Is he 16?

This. What a walking ick.

Yes, the looking at other women with a big smile on his face is weird. I’d feel embarrassed to be his girlfriend at his side. And the way he talked to his friend about the attractive woman at the gym is not what you would expect from a guy that has a relationship already.

Dating someone who is hot and charismatic is not for the faint hearted. And if you’re a quiet or more reserved person in can be overwhelming at times.

I don’t think I him openly preening at every attractive woman is ok and maybe he’s not ready to be partnered or maybe non-monogamous might suit him better.

You are ok to feel insecure and decide it’s too much. I don’t think listening to his private conversation with his best friend was ok though. you don’t need to eavesdrop to be sure of how you feel.

Oh OP, do not stay in this relationship, it won’t get better, he won’t change and all it will do is chip away at your self esteem bit by bit until you don’t recognise yourself and I guarantee he will walk all
over you by the end of it.

also I also don’t believe for a second the woman at the gym showed ‘interest’ 🙄 men seem to think any woman having a pleasant conversation with them is a sign of interest.

Also at a certain age, his behaviour towards woman will be deemed extra creepy, esp as i bet his attention is always in youger females. Do you really want to be with a 65 year old who is perving on 20 years olds?

If I heard my partner say he was 'on a high all day', simply from having a conversation with an attractive woman, I would find him so utterly pathetic that I don't think I'd be able to continue to relationship.

Thanks all. It's interesting as some of you are suggesting that maybe I am being insecure, and others are suggesting that he is being a bit out of order to act that way in a relationship - and that's exactly the conflict I've had in my head!

@cerisepanther73 "In previous relationships have ex boyfriends or ex partners have made you feel insecure cause of valid reasons hitting on other women cheating ect

or
Is your insecurities coming from somewhere else where could that be coming from then?"

No, I've never been cheated on, but I've always felt insecure in relationships, especially at the beginning. I think it is because my dad was a very cold man, who showed me no love, affection or kindness, then left our family when I was a teenager and was never in contact again. I have been to quite a lot of therapy about this, and read a lot of books etc which has helped, and I think I felt less insecure in my last long term relationship. But the feelings can obviously still be triggered in certain situations! I really don't know what else I can do to work on it though.

Some PPs have suggested that DP and I may not be compatible - it's so hard as I feel like I really like him, but this issue is really getting to me. I have talked about this a bit with DP, and from his perspective, I know he feels that he wants to be how he naturally is in a relationship, and not have to restrict his behaviour when he doesn't feel he's doing anything morally wrong.

He doesn't want to feel controlled, which I understand - neither do I. He said that in past relationships he has felt like he was walking on eggshells all the time, and having to restrict his behaviour as he didn't want to upset his GF and he doesn't want to be like that again. So I guess it comes down to whether our "natural" behaviours are compatible or not, although I do think it would be very difficult to find someone where all aspects of life were compatible. I think in a relationship there has to be some compromise at some point from one or both sides.

OP don't fall for the "you must be insecure" or "controlling" rubbish. That is a line people use to put the onus back on you so they can continue with disrespectful behaviour. I have had similar said to me in the past. I walked away and don't regret it at all. He wasn't my person. My dp now is much more respectful. Know your boundaries and stick with them.

op he sounds like a common or garden letch. Showing off to his mate that a hot woman fancied him. I think we all know it is hugely unlikely she did anything in the gym to show she was interested, probably just smiled or laughed and chatted.

some men think if you’re nice to them it means you want to shag them. He’s one of them.

hes also openly letching on women in front of you.

this isn’t about you, jealousy or insecurity, its about him. He’s a pervy letch and he can’t even show you respect at this stage.

its only going to get worse. I’m sorry.

I don't think you guys are a good match. He sounds a bit creepy about other women and you clearly have a bit of a jealous streak, which is quite normal - I'm the same! Maybe enjoy the relationship while it lasts, but he doesn't seem like someone for the longer term.

This with 🔔🔔 on. I’d be any of him OP.
You may be in a relationship with him but just as @Whiskersoff said, he may drop you for a more attractive (in his eyes) version any time. He sounds shallow.

And just to be clear, I don't necessarily mean "he will dump you for another woman", but also "he will ditch you temporarily while he's busy flirting with someone else, then expect to go home with you".

Maybe.

You are insecure and probably jealous precisely because of his behaviour. It's very different to be in a long committed relationship and see your partner be finding another person attractive . When it's early days of course you'd feel insecure, you haven't had a history where he can demonstrate that you really mean something to him.
I agree with the others that he is a player. My ex was like this, oodles of charm, always commenting on other women, would tell me how women told him how attractive he is; it made me really anxious not that he was having affairs but that I wasn't enough.
Also, he had numerous affairs when he was married and he told me, he also told me that I was the only girlfriend who knew, there's absolutely no way he has told his latest girlfriend.
Honestly, save yourself the pain, get rid.

He is obviously seeking validation from women due to his own issues.
You will never be able to fill the void he feels inside so I would suggest you disengage from him and look after your own wellbeing. If you stay with him, his behaviour will drive you mad and make you feel absolutely miserable.
Do not let anyone convince you that the issue lies within you due to your insecurity or jealousy. What you are feeling is a completely normal and natural reaction to how he's been behaving.
He is not the right one. Keep looking for the one who will be respectful and caring.
Good luck!

he says he was looking for the right person, and just physical attraction alone doesn't mean much to him any more.

Yet he was on a high all day and he has a great big smile when he sees an attractive woman.

He is an insecure arse who is acting like a teenage boy, also he does not seem to think that women are people too.

That’s my thoughts on it too. It’s not odd to be flattered someone found you attractive and it’s fine to say that to a mate

He doesn't want to feel controlled, which I understand - neither do I. He said that in past relationships he has felt like he was walking on eggshells all the time, and having to restrict his behaviour as he didn't want to upset his GF and he doesn't want to be like that again

Yes, he is training you up nicely to not question his (IMO imaginary) flirtations and perving over other women - putting you down subtley in the process and making sure you are scared to question his interactions with other women less you be deemed as controlling. He is doing an absolute number on you op and you sound quite naive I’m afraid.

I bet he’s not half as attractive as you maintain him to be either - he sounds like an absolute saddo. Men who are in love with someone do not sit around discussing the merits of other women’s attractiveness - he sounds like the kind who desperately wants his mates to know he can get it on with other women if he wants to (pathetic!) and probably rates them out of ten.

Ditch him.

"Doesn't want to be controlled" well no one does, but there's a big difference between being controlled and someone calling out poor behaviour. I don't like the sound of him, he sounds manipulative and can't see things from other view points.

I honestly would not be on the phone talking to my friend about another hot guy if I was in a relationship. I'd only do that if I was single or looking to be single.

I think some people know they are good looking and enjoy the attention. He was single for 5 years now he is not. He needs to change his behaviour. It’s disrespectful to you and unfair. Follow your gut. Maybe a lot of people think like this but to say it out loud seems laddish behaviour.