Phrases to use to reassign mental load?

[Stepbackabit]

Doctor's orders - I need to slow down.
I'm the capable, problem-solving one with DH (diagnosed ADHD) and adult kids (who have ADHD symptoms).

I love them all to bits, but need to step back from some of the demands and their high energy because I've now got health problems.

E.g DH tends to talk a lot and run his work issues past me. I suggest a solution then he goes on about minute detail weighing up the pros and con of what I've suggested. I'm happy to help, but don't need the second part, it's exhausting.
Or he'll say for example that he'll cook dinner but will then interrogate me about what I want, how to cook it etc, even if he's cooked it before. My answer to that is 'pretend I'm not here.' Again, fucking exhausting when it happens multiple times.
DC are less of an issue as they don't live at home, but sometimes I do need to tell them to sort it out themselves.

If you identify with any of this, what's your loving and polite response which actually works?

I don't think that's really sharing the mental load it's more asking someone to stop talking at you.

My DH talks a lot. For the examples you've given I say:

I'm at 0% capacity right now DH, so are you ok to just make the dinner? I'm sure whatever you make will be lovely,

Right, that's enough work talk now or you'll have to start paying me

I tell DH to ‘take and exécutive’ decision and keep repeating that until he realises he need to actually take a decision without me being involved in the boring detail.

That's not so much a mental load issue as a needing some time and space to yourself issue. Presumably a household of people with ADHD will get the concept of sensory overload. Just say that on doctors orders you need x amount of quiet time, block out some time, let everyone know that you aren't to be disturbed during that time, stick on some noise cancelling headphones or get in the bath and/or put up a don't disturb sign and don't engage with anyone.

If your DH doesn't respect that boundary, (repeatedly, rather than the occasional moment of forgetfulness/bad judgement/impulse control failure).then you start your time over again after each interruption.

Love these! Thank you 😊

Thanks - I'm compiling a list and this is going on it!

Yes, this is true. Since the DC moved out, I have a room I use as my office with a lock AND a do not disturb sign. I need to use it more!

I can relate to the cooking thing - my ex was similar- "I'll cook. What she we have? What's in that? Do we have any chicken? Where's the olive oil?" Etc etc.
I.e. he cooks but you do all the thinking.
Annoying.

I just tell DH (also has ADHD), "My brain is full. Stop talking at me now. " He knows what he's like and doesn't get offended.

"I will leave you to make the dinner as I am going for a lie down".

Or

"I'll leave you to it. I need some downtime now".

I have the same but kids are home. All ADHD...

I found myself shouting "I just need 5 mins".
None of the could understand why...
Some of the phrases above would have put it much better and not ended in a argument!

"I don't know, I'm too exhausted to adult right now"

"Do you need me to cook it for you as well?"
(In a light hearted tone rather than laced with the heavy sarcasm that I might deliver it with)

"If only I had a wife to make all these decisions for me"

'Stop talking at me' is a phrase I do use. Quite a bit 😬

I struggle with keeping the sarcasm out!

When he asks follow up questions to jobs he is doing such as "what do you want me to cook" keep responding "I want to not have to make that decision"

'I don't know'
'I really don't know'
'Whatever you think'
'Wherever you last put it'
'Probably where you left it'
'What am I, a fucking oracle? Use your fucking brain for once you fucking twat'.

That sort of thing?

AirPods!!!

No, seriously.

Unintentionally mine have created a boundary.

When DH began working from home he was annoyed with me because I had the news blaring from every room I was in. He annoyed me by basically expecting me to drop everything to listen to his latest banal topic, or just to read out the internet to me.

I got AirPods. Now there is peace and harmony.

Yesterday I politely told my DH, who was asking me if I wanted this, this or this for tea, "if you don't fuck off harassing me, I'm gonna rip your face off"

He was aware I am premenstrual.

I suggest something along those lines OP

100% understand where you are coming from OP. My husband (absolutely has adhd but no diagnosis) will just talk at me for hours about work/life/news etc. Goes off,comes back and repeats himself over and over. I give advice that he ignores until he realises its actually a good idea and then tries to pass it off as his own thoughts.
Honestly I'm going to use some of these phrases you've been given.
Like when you have babies/toddlers you feel touched out at the end of the day from the clingyness. It's like a verbal version of that.

I tell the DC that "mummy's looking service has been discontinued" and DH gets similar.

Thankfully I'm post-menopausal but pre-menstrual me would have been the same 😂

All these ideas are putting a smile on my face, good to know I'm not alone!

So when you say you are the "capable" one by that definition does that make anyone with ADHD incapable? Not the best wording if you want support if your post is highly stigmatising...

"Mmmm, not sure"
"I don't know"
"Just have a go, I'm sure it will be fine"
"Darling I love you but I've feigned as much interest as my limit allows now" - usually sport related in our house
"You're an intelligent bloke I'm sure you can work it out" - if I'm getting annoyed

"So when you say you are the "capable" one by that definition does that make anyone with ADHD incapable?"
@Battenbergcoconutice No, HTH.

And thanks for all the support everyone else 😊🙏

I suspect I might have ADHD, our elder DD has been diagnosed.

Sometimes I get the responses from my DH that have been suggested here, it's making me feel a bit weird. Am I that banal/boring?

I feel that I'm trying to make an emotional connection when I talk with him and I feel quite rebuffed when he quite obviously won't/can't engage. For him, conversation is more for swapping info. Our youngest DD is ASD....hmmm.

So I resolve to pass time in silence.

Then he gets concerned about the quietness, makes him uncomfortable. Turns out he likes me to witter on as some sort of human white noise in the background, but only engage when he wants to!

We've just spent a week, just the two of us on holiday, actually it's gone surprisingly well...against all the odds.

Noise canceling headphones! Please invest in them and teach your husband that when you're wearing them, you don't want to interact. He needs to make every decision on his own.

Also, I'm a therapist and have up to 8 sessions a day. My social battery gets drained on those days, giving all these people my undivided attention. So when my husband comes home, I'll sometimes just say that:
"Sorry, I have nothing left in my social battery. Recharging now, will let you know when I have the mental capacity to listen to you."