Can you help me out of limmerance

[Helenopolis]

I'm struggling with limmerance and I hope some rational mumsnetters can snap me out of it. I know some people dismiss the idea of limmerance but honestly this feels so much more than just a crush and it's ruining my life.

I am married with young DC. DH is wonderful and kind, but honestly we are struggling with the relentlessness of work and family life - lack of quality time together means we have neglected our marriage and I know this is probably the main reason why I feel how I do.

The subject of my limmerance is someone I have had reason to interact with fairly regularly over the last 6 months. However this is about to stop, he is leaving and as our interactions have been entirely professional, this will be the end of it. I'm gutted, feel stupidly "heartbroken" and lost at the prospect of never speaking or seeing him again. It's pathetic, and if DH felt like this about someone else I really would be distraught. To be clear, I would never act on this feelings. I just want them to go away and feel normal again. Does anyone have any (hopefully kind) words of encouragement for getting over this?

You'll get great advice on this here:
www.livingwithlimerance.com

He is leaving which is good. Don't get his number. Honestly it might take a few weeks but he will get out of your head. Try taking up some running or something else when you think of him and eventually he'll go away

Is there any way you can see him in sandals - that usually does the trick.

@HelloDarlingWhatAreYouDoingHere ha thank you, that made me laugh 🙂

I get it, been there and I even engaged beyond just chats. Do not take his number.

It will take weeks, maybe even months but you will start to get a clearer head, you just need to be consistent and not engage with him at all.
It is clear you are aware of the reasons why this may have happened! Now is the right time to deal with your own relationship and make it work - if that is what you want.

Get a diary, record how you are feeling each day and when having a bad day, do something to keep you and your head busy! This is how I approached it, it took me 7 months but after I started to feel like myself again.

Message me, happy to have a chat if you would like to.

Or if you are really struggling, socks with sandals!

It’s an old cliche OP but the passing of time will help, I know it seems so hard at the moment though.

Limerence is nonsense.

Funny that every spelling of it so far - even the unreachable website’s name - on this thread is wrong.

Agree with @LIVINGTHELIFEHERE , I've been there also.
The website helped me process and escape.
As strong as the feelings are, they are more akin to intrusive thoughts than anything, and will fade with time if you don't feed it, as impossible as that seems to you right now.
I've only had it the once, I never want it again. Some poor people are rather prone to it. For me it was life context and a catalyst for me to work out what needed to change (I'm all good now, DH and I stronger than ever)

Oh dear. Here comes someone speaking from a position of authority.
Anyway, thanks for letting me know website didn't work try the link instead
https://livingwithlimerence.com/

I’d call it a position of common sense. 🤷‍♀️

The website is a blog operated by someone with a book to sell and a mailing list to generate.

Limerence is bollocks but is a favourite term for a small number on here. Is usually used as an excuse for peoples actions or feelings. Be a grown-up and see it for what it is. You said your marriage is struggling due to the pressures of work, family and lack of time. Rather than try and put some effort into that its probably been easier to have a crush elsewhere.

Crush/limerence, same difference, the psychology at the root of it is part of being human and it has power if you let it because the feelings are strong, doesn't mean you have to let it drive your decisions/behaviour. Do you let it hijack your life, no.
Is the website helpful? yes.
Does it cost anything? No.

It's great that he is leaving anyway. You have to go cold turkey and focus on your DH and your marriage.
Set yourself some goals.
Every day:

• Notice 3 things DH does that you like, love or appreciate and tell him so, or tell DC within DH's earshot e.g. if he cracks a good joke or does a good impression, give him a quick hug and say you love that he still makes you laugh. If he is being sweet with DC say, 'Aren't you lucky to have such a gorgeous dad?'
• Mention or bring to mind one thing that recalls the best times you had together. E.g. While cooking, play a song by a band you both love and saw together. Or tell DC a lovely story about some adventure you both had, or after dinner, once DC are in bed, have a chat about something that you both care about, which isn't domestic - politics or music or film

Every week

• Do something fun and new together. Have a date where the date itself is the making of a good new memory - so not drinks and dinner and discussing DC but going to a comedy night or a gig or going dancing or for a moonlit walk in the woods
• Do something romantic/sensous that isn't just an exhausted quickie before sleep.

Every month

• Create plans and set up joint projects - things you can do together. Plan a good family holiday or outing. Plan to redecorate your bedroom together or revamp the garden.
• Discuss and encourage individual goals. Do something new that excites you and tell him about it. Encourage him to do something he loves too.

I don't agree that it is bollocks. It's known to happen post-loss. I got it once, after a miscarriage of a very longed-for baby (years of TTC). It was horrendous - a sudden 24/7 obsession that felt like it had just crash-landed on me. I was barely aware DH existed. It took leaving a job and DH finding out about it (nothing whatsoever happened, not sure the man even knew) to kill it off. Funnily enough, it vanished the week the baby would have been born.

I've had little crushes on people before, over the course of a long marriage, as has DH. They are silly and easy to control. They're fun in a way. But limerence isn't fun. It's a kind of madness.

What’s helped me is realising that limerence strikes when I’m low and struggling
they become my source of joy and I get totally scarily obsessed

realising it’s a symptom of poor mental health , it’s not the man . It’s my mental health is a fucking mess . And same happened to a friend of mine

and also realising that looking then up online is literally self harm , and really harms you

The fact you will have to go no
contact is good actually

there is a very good subreddit on this
suggest you have a look

Thanks all for your replies, even the less sympathetic ones. They're all helping me to try and deal with this in a more rational way.

Well said @AmaryllisChorus

But limerence isn't fun. It's a kind of madness

yeah it’s a mental health problem and you unfortunately loathe yourself as you knows it’s fucked
heal the mental health (ha ! So easy not …)

You enjoyed window shopping. It wasnt for you, but you loved what you saw, now it's time to move on....

You poor thing. Nobody can really help you out of limerence because, unfortunately, rational thoughts and arguments can’t get through the tangled mess of brain chemicals that caused the limerence. Only time AND NO CONTACT will do the trick. But you can try to speed up the process a bit by trying to rationalise what’s happening (I know I’m contradicting myself given what I said above but all you can do is try). I don’t know anything about you and your limerent object so I’m going to make some assumptions here because it might help you process things at rational level.
Your ‘obsession’ has little to do with the actual new guy. You don’t really know what he’s like, you are projecting attributes on him that he doesn’t have. The new guy just happened to fill a hole that has always been there. If it wasn’t him it probably would have been another. He may have some characteristics that triggered the limerence in you, but there’s no way to know if these are attributes that would make you like him as a romantic partner.

Let’s assume that you weren’t securely attached to your parents when you were little. That left a hole in you. Perhaps subconsciously what kept you ‘alive’ emotionally was the thought/ hope that one day you’ll meet someone who will fill the hole. He will put right all the ‘wrongs’ your parents did by not loving you enough (or whatever your little child brain perceived as not being quite right at the time). You grew up and met your husband. Initially he gave you what you needed because your hormones were sky high, but in time the relationship became ‘normal’. He is a real human being and you are having a normal marriage. But the child in you was promised that someone else would one day fill that painful hole! And that requires more than normality. So that part of your brain tried to grab onto someone else who might fix the little girl in you, who might fill that hole. As long as the limerence is there, you brain wrongly thinks that it’s not over so perhaps there’s hope… As long as the limerence is there, it’s not over, and you don’t have to accept the fact that no other person can fill that hole. So the brain refuses to let go of the obsession.

Perhaps what you can try to do every time he comes into your mind is to tell yourself - and to write it down, because that would slow your thoughts (writing is slower than thinking) and would stop your brain from spinning - the following:

• What you feel is NOT about the new guy. What you feel is about the hole in your heart, about the childhood pain which you thought was going to go away when you were no longer a child.
• no other human being can fix that issue. Even if, in a parallel universe, you were to get together with the new guy, after the initial hormones wear off, you’d go back to feeling the ‘hole’.
• that ‘hole’ is what makes you who you are. Treasure it. Accept it won’t get filled. Accept that we don’t all get everything we think we deserve (parents love etc etc). Accept that you’ll go though life with a ‘hole’ in your heart and that’s just your life journey. This is nothing to do with the new guy. How can an insignificant person fill a hole which has been created though possibly years of pain and confusion and craving. How silly your brain is to think that!

Let him go. Your pain has nothing to do with this guy. Every time he comes into your mind accept that it’s your brain trying to trick you because it’s desperately trying to find a relief and a way to fill the hole. Take your time to convince your brain that it’s wrong.

You have a husband and children? I would give anything to swap places with you. Me and many other women. Perhaps write this down on a piece of paper and look at it anytime you feel despair because of this guy.

hope all this makes some sense.

Does it matter if someone thinks ‘limerence’ is bollocks? It’s just a word and it’s the feelings that matter that require addressing whatever word you use. The OP is using that word because she’s finding it highly distressing. So maybe focus on helping a woman out and not calling her distress ‘bollocks’.

OP, you need to invest time, energy and attention into your marriage. It’s not easy. At all. But you both need to do it.

This is very sage advice.

Yes, absolutely.

OP, it’s intensely painful now, but it will pass with time. Eventually you’ll wake up and realise you’ve not given him the slightest thought for days.

Thank you everyone. There have been some really helpful replies and appreciate you taking the time.

The poster who likened it to a kind of madness - yes, this! It was a couple of months into our interactions and it hit me out of nowhere. Since then it has been a very intrusive but enjoyable mental escape that I assumed would just fizzle out. Until he told me he was leaving, and it turned into this huge knot in my stomach and my head is a mess. He likely has no idea, he was just letting me know because I need to find someone else local who works in the same field.

I know it is for the best. I love my DH and our life together, I have a lot to be very grateful for. Whether "limerance" is a real thing or not, whatever this is feels brutal and my empathy goes to anyone else trying to cope with/get over it too.

@PoochiesPinkEars

Oh dear. Here comes someone speaking from a position of authority

You know best... or you must think you do, if you're so willing to put down someone else's post.