Ending my marriage - loosing my mind and the guilt, advice needed

[Beyondconfused24]

Hoping to get others perspective on here as I feel like I don't know my own mind.

long story short been with husband 22 years have x3 children and I’ve a million reasons on why I want to leave and I feel they are more than justified. I have and always have carried the load of everything money, housework, children, admin, bills so on so forth. I’ve genuinely reached the end of the line, I don’t want him to touch me or even speak to me. He can see this and realises I’ve cut off and shut down. He was crying and begging saying all he wants is me and the children.

The last two weeks he’s transformed into this calm person ( complete opposite from the last 22 years). Being nice to the children spending time with them and taking them out.

This is now making me Ill, I’m thinking I’m now going to be the bad guy. He’s going to be in pieces and I’m worried how he’ll cope, I worry he won’t be able to cope alone as I do everything for him. I feel so guilty that I’m going to make everyone sad and miserable and the guilt is consuming me. I just don’t see me being able to continue putting on a front. I doubt my decision all day every day, planning to leave in July.

Anyone been in this situation how did you approach it, I can’t have a conversation with him as he refuses to ever accept his part in anything. How do i get through the guilt and deal with the fall out. I’m terrified of how this is all going to pan out.

But I know categorically I’m not in love with him at all anymore and if I’m honest don’t particularly like him so for my heart there’s no way back. I just feel so responsible for him it’s stifling.

Just for context there is no other man nothing like that. I don’t ever want to meet or live with another man I just want to be free and be with my children.

No woman leaves her husband and breaks up the family for nothing. Usually she has been struggling for years. I think it is normal to feel
guilt because although you don't want to be with your husband anymore, you have a lot of shared history, and he is the father of your children. Obviously you dont want to upset your children. But when your children are older they will understand why you did what you did and they will respect you for it.
I think you need to think long term. This time next year all this will be behind you, hopefully you and your children will be happily settled, have new routines and ways of doing things. You just need to stay strong and push through.
I live very happily on my own, with my children. I have no desire to live with another man ever again.

He hasn’t worried for the last 22 years about how you’re coping, so why is his ability to cope so our issue.

have you been silently building up resentment over the years or have you discussed it with him but he didn’t feel it (you) was important enough to make a change and now when it’s dawned on him that he’s pushed you too far for too long he’s managed to change?

and, realistically, how long can he keep it up. Drop the guilt, he’s the master of his own undoing.

Thank you, you’re right 💗

I know you’re right that’s it taken me to reach my limit for the sudden act he’s now putting on.

I think resentment has been building for years and I’ve finally snapped. Talking to him is impossible he’s very defensive turns it all round and will imply it’s my time of the month.

I will keep reminding myself of the fact he’s had 22 years. Thanks for replying 💗

100% the same as you @Beyondconfused24 I am done, and have been done for years, but I'm still unable to take the leap because of the overwhelming guilt. As @LoveSandbanks says, he's had all these years to worry about your feelings (as has dh about mine) and do they care? Absolutely not. They just want to keep the status quo for themselves, and are happy to let us suffer. And they know we are suffering but choose to ignore it. I think there is no avoiding the pain, you just have to take a deep breath and go for it. It will be awful, but then it will pass and you will be free. Right now it is awful but if you (and I) leave it that way it will be ongoing forever and ever...

Definitely! It’s just so hard to hurt someone I’m such a walkover I hate upsetting anyone. But I now see the effect it’s having on me it’s destroying me and I can’t go on for years and years.

I think I just need to go through with my plan and leave end of July. I’m just getting the final things in place. But I feel horrible because I know he’ll have nothing. The house is owned by my father so I won’t be leaving, I earn more and have savings he’s nothing basically amd he’s no idea how to pay bills run a house etc. But I need to keep reminding myself he’ll need to learn. I guess I’m just worried he turns really nasty or really depressed 😩

I hope you can get yourself out and happy too x

You aren't doing anything to him - he's finally reaping what he sowed for 22 years.

He's chosen to spend his life being a lazy, incompetent man-baby. That's always been your problem, why feel guilty it's now going to be his?

He will never agree you are right to end your marriage as that means admitting how pathetic he is as an adult. So don't bother trying to talk to him about it again. It's too late, he has had every single day of 22 years as another chance, he doesn't deserve any more.

He'll be fine. He's been taking you for a mug for years (sorry, it's a painful truth to face, I know from experience. I had counselling to focus on why I allowed myself to be taken advantage of, learned much stronger boundaries, and more about why I used to minimise my own needs. You could start something like this to help you unpick why you are in this situation and plan for your new, much happier, life).

Thank you and I completely agree I have been a mug. I now get so angry at myself for everything I’ve accepted. But at least I’ve acknowledged this now and plan on doing what suits me going forward 💗

@Beyondconfused24 I left a 26 year marriage 2 years ago.... I was miserable and he was emotionally and verbally abusive and was never going to change.

I spent too many years there because a did not want to hurt him - even though he did not care how much he hurt me.....

I can hand on heart says its the best thing I have done. You only have one life - dont waste it in an unhappy marriage....

My ex is now living with some one. I am sure your STBEH will cope.....

I on the other hand have been put off men - have not even started dating again yet - if ever .....
But I have wonderful friends and family and am enjoying being single......

Why July? It feels like a long time so you may need to work out how to steel your resolve.

So for 22 years he hasn't been calm and nice Dad but all of a sudden he can which means for 22 years he was perfectly capable of being calm and different but chose not to.

Get angry!!

I don't want to be a downer, but the savings and potentially the house will.all be in the marital pot as assets to divide when you divorce. It stings when you've been a good saver and them a fritterer, but unfortunately he doesn't 'have nothing'. Unless perhaps the house was ringfenced as an inheritance

Good for you for going through with it and I’m glad you’re happy 😊

And I’m the exact same i genuinely cannot ever see me having interest in any man ever ever again.

There’s something big planned beginning of July and the kids are so excited for it. So that was why after that I planned on it.

He absolutely will cope. It's just strategic incompetence. He isn't going to let himself starve to death or let his car insurance run out etc etc. If he cant work a washing machine, well he'll soon learn. How unutterably pathetic for a grown man to be so helpless. Don't let this thought even so much as cross your mind again.

The house is owned by my father so he will have zero right or claim to this house at all. My savings are in my brothers saving account where I’ve been saving for a few years by transferring him the money. So during divorce I’m not concerned about anything like that. And I’m not looking for maintenance from him either. Just going for a straightforward divorce.

Would you consider going to counselling or mediation?

You'll definitely need some strategies to see you through till then!

Do you have hobbies etc you can immerse yourself in to give him a chance to step up without realising you're helping him longer term? It might ease your guilt knowing there's a 'greater good'.

This made me laugh ! But you’re not wrong 😊

I am a really busy person so can definitely keep myself occupied.

I am slowly trying to encourage more independence from him. I’ve stopped ironing for him every day, I’m encouraging him to work things out for himself like how to get to places etc as I literally run every aspect of his life so these little things will hopefully help with being independent.

I met someone else in February 2023. Told him, was very honest.
Moved out in June 2023.
Today he asked me yet again when I was going back.
Always does this by text, never phones to speak.

The guilt has been overwhelming, but I no longer worry about what will happen at the end of every work day, whether it will be flowers, or the silent treatment, whether it will be anger or off to see friends as a jolly couple. Sometimes it was good, really lovely, but sometimes I would cry mostly in frustration as his job, hobbies, family, oh God his family, were put first.

You'll always see the good times OP, but do you feel crushed, broken, tired, deeply, deeply tired. I went to counselling, by myself, he wouldn't do couples counselling. She said how long do you want to be unhappy for? It was that comment that really hit home. OP we know not of your circumstances, but life is short.

No neither of us would consider that we aren’t that type of person / couple.

I can’t see how I could ever be in love with him again. Once I’m done with someone I’m truly done.

@Beyondconfused24 must be a 22 year itch as I'd love to be separated.
3 kids also, Told him when last one leaves for uni he can go to
So last kid deciding he going to local uni and not moving out so family stays together.
I moved into my daughters bedroom so get a but peace.
He does help in house but not to my level.
He told me a big lie and it came out during covid and caused awful stress to whole family and I can't go back to normal
Financially neither of us could survive on one wage not high earners.
I will just suck it up. I started seraltine and it helped a bit. Think I'm menopausal too.

Mcmen

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. They likely also know far more about the parlours state of your marriage than you think. Do not do your bit here to further show them damaging lessons about relationships I,e staying for the sake of the kids. It’s a mistake of huge proportions and one that could come back to bite them to in their own relationships. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what have they learnt here from you two?.

Your previous position of waiting for them all to go off to uni is a mistake because it pulls the rug out from underneath them just as they are leaving home. It may also make the kids feel guilty that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them.

Do not merely suck it up. Be brave and take steps over time to separate from him. It may also be that you are on setraline primarily because of him and his attitude. Do not be afraid to move on with your own life. Divorce is not failure, living in unhappiness is.

When splitting up with my exh I just had to harden my heart. I look back and can't believe I managed it, but i had decided what was happening and just kept focusing on that, no matter how upset exh was. I cried on my own but I knew I had to do it, for everyone 's sake including his. I'm sure he would thank me now if he wasn't such a dick 🤣
Good luck, it's a long hard road but you can do it! Thinking of the alternative is also a good strategy as I couldn't have carried on as I was!