Ending my marriage - loosing my mind and the guilt, advice needed

[Beyondconfused24]

Hoping to get others perspective on here as I feel like I don't know my own mind.

long story short been with husband 22 years have x3 children and I’ve a million reasons on why I want to leave and I feel they are more than justified. I have and always have carried the load of everything money, housework, children, admin, bills so on so forth. I’ve genuinely reached the end of the line, I don’t want him to touch me or even speak to me. He can see this and realises I’ve cut off and shut down. He was crying and begging saying all he wants is me and the children.

The last two weeks he’s transformed into this calm person ( complete opposite from the last 22 years). Being nice to the children spending time with them and taking them out.

This is now making me Ill, I’m thinking I’m now going to be the bad guy. He’s going to be in pieces and I’m worried how he’ll cope, I worry he won’t be able to cope alone as I do everything for him. I feel so guilty that I’m going to make everyone sad and miserable and the guilt is consuming me. I just don’t see me being able to continue putting on a front. I doubt my decision all day every day, planning to leave in July.

Anyone been in this situation how did you approach it, I can’t have a conversation with him as he refuses to ever accept his part in anything. How do i get through the guilt and deal with the fall out. I’m terrified of how this is all going to pan out.

But I know categorically I’m not in love with him at all anymore and if I’m honest don’t particularly like him so for my heart there’s no way back. I just feel so responsible for him it’s stifling.

Just for context there is no other man nothing like that. I don’t ever want to meet or live with another man I just want to be free and be with my children.

This is really sad 😞 I’m becoming mentally Ill from this marriage and that’s what made me finally tell myself enough. I only want the responsibility of my children nothing else.

Go on entitled to see what you could possibly get help with, or speak to CAB. But try and plan on getting out 💗

💗💗💗

Wow seen this original post and it really helps to keep going with my own situation. DH moved out few days ago and although I made it happen I have been feeling so anxious, knot in my stomach at 4 am and sadness. The little devil sits on my shoulder asking "did you make the right decision" was it really that bad? But reading all your comments has helped to keep my mind set on why I am were I am today. Just take each day as it presents itself. On another note, I know it's early days but I haven't seen too much upset from my two kids, calm before the storm maybe...... Has anyone else got kids, teens, how are they managing?

This is what I want to know @Orroroar - how do the kids cope with it. Mine are 16 and 12 and I cannot decide whether keeping things as they are is best for them, or if their dad leaving is best for them. It's such a gamble.

Hang onto your resolve, it's been 2 weeks out of 22 years. You've got 4 months till July - he won't maintain it that long most likely. But also, what he's showing you, is that he had the ability all along but chose not to participate in family life seeing as he's chosing to now.
Are you still paying the bills, or has he magically started paying them too now?
It will do him good to fend for himself, he learns nothing by relying on you all the time.

@WinkyTinky there will never be a good time to do this, there's always something coming up, birthdays, Christmas, exams and you dont want to upset everyone around these times. But you have to ask yourself if you still in the same place in 5 years time, will it look any better?? I expect it doesn't really feel real for my two as yet,it's only been day 5 and it's been very calm.

I can’t have a conversation with him as he refuses to ever accept his part in anything.

Read it OP,then read it again. He refuses to accept his part meaning that he refuses to communicate,refuses to listen to you and refuses to change anything. Why? Because the current set up where you were carrying the load is very cushy to him. What does he bring to this relationship?

2 weeks of being nice to kids while disengaged and uninterested for umpteen years doesn’t make him a better person. He shows you he can be nice but you’re (and the kids) were not worth the effort.

Too little to late.

This is your life and only you can make this decision how to proceed with it. If it makes you mentally ill then time to change it.

I’ve left my H for the same reason. I’m only a few months out. The mental and physical load I was carrying for years broke me mentally and physically. No amount of talking to him that I needed/wanted him to pitch in has ever worked. He didn’t want to give an inch.

Guess what. He’s coping.He finally does food shopping,housekeeping and has kids alone,none of which he wanted to do before. He’s very regretful of his lack of engagement when we were together but I’m done.His lack of care and love towards me and kids (because nobody caring and loving watches their wife running herself to the ground) was obvious.

Words are cheap. Actions speak for themselves. There was lots of words and no actions to prove them so I ended it.

I’m slowly recovering as I no longer have his load to carry. The mental peace is immense. I’m still dealing with physical health (aftermath of being run ragged by him).

Whatever you decide, good luck 💐

This is now making me Ill, I’m thinking I’m now going to be the bad guy. He’s going to be in pieces and I’m worried how he’ll cope, I worry he won’t be able to cope alone as I do everything for him. I feel so guilty that I’m going to make everyone sad and miserable and the guilt is consuming me. I just don’t see me being able to continue putting on a front. I doubt my decision all day every day, planning to leave in July.

OMG i coudve written this post , and like you the guilt is eating me alive , i feel like im doing something wrong and prehaps give the ' now husband of the year ' who has had multiple chances , has appeared since i told him i was looking for somewhere else to live with kids , our situation is abit different as i dont want to end the relationship but do not want to live together anymore for multiple reasons. But the guilt is overwelming and all consuming daily , just to say your not alone but i really hope as others have said over time it lessens . Its very difficult to do something so difficult when the husband is being so nice and the person he shouldve been all along X

Oh and about guilt- guilt is the pressure we put on ourselves when no longer able to fulfil the expectations of the others towards us.

Funny enough I don’t suppose any of these men felt any guilt when refusing to accommodate any perfectly reasonable request from their spouse when it came to organising their JOINT life.

F… the guilt. I bent over backwards until my proverbial back has broken. Guilt fades away and goes when I ask „would he do the same for me?”. The answer is „no” so I stop dwelling on it.

Obviously can only speak from my own experience, but dragging it out for the kids was not helping anyone in our house. I thought I was making it as stress free as possible, but only was able to see the effect on my children once EXH actually was gone. My children almost tangibly changed overnight. I thought they were happy, relaxed and unaware up to that point. But the change in them after he left made me realise how much tension they’d been absorbing, despite me keeping a cool head and being polite and respectful to my EXH pretty much constantly. They also didn’t like him as much as I’d believed they did, and they started to open up about his meanness and shitty ways that I thought only I’d been aware of and taking the force of.

OP this man has had years and years to make himself right. Don’t feel guilty, and don’t help him come to terms, don’t do more work than you’ve already done for this ungrateful lump of a man. Get him out and concentrate your energy on supporting yourself and your children through the change. Think of it as every bit of energy you’re giving this man now, you’re taking away from your kids. You’ve spent enough of everything on this man, it’s not your fault he’s now ‘trying’ out of desperation. He can’t be your problem anymore.

Thank you all so much these replies are really useful and I needed to read them. And isn’t it crazy how much us women deal with and put up with 😞

I hope we all get to where we want to be 💗

@Beyondconfused24 what are the practicalities of this? Come July, are you going to tell him it's over and ask him to leave the house? Is he likely to refuse? Have you sought legal advise, I know it's your dads house, but he could be difficult about leaving.

He will leave I’m confident of that ! He’ll be horrible and manic but he will move out. I’d imagine he’ll go straight to his mums.

@Beyondconfused24 Just came across your thread. Did you do it? Really hope everything has worked out for you x