Husband Hoarder

[user1476041120]

Can you advise me of how to deal with my husband who I suspect has a hoarding disorder. He will not throw anything away - gets really angry if I dispose of old newspapers that he has not read ( but they are weeks old ) and old clothes that do not fit or are worn out. Old tools and garden stuff is packed into a very large shed AND a single garage, that you cannot get in it because of stuff . These are just small examples of his hoarding . The main thing is tools and DIY materials IN our home . He buys tools and DIY materials intending to do a project but he never completes the task . The furthest he gets is to demolish the internal electrics / plumbing of our home and just not put it back. Its not that he can't do it - as soon as everything is ripped out - he procrastinates and will not get on with the renovation at all . I fear that our home will become unsellable if he carries on like this. My mental health is really suffering because of his behaviour but I don't know how to start to get help. Family just say - get someone to finish the work , but I fear that he will just keep starting another 'Project' and it will never end, unless I get help . We are in our 70's and I just want to be finished with DIY of any sort . At the moment we have no hot water , no central heating and only a wood burner for heat at night. I have had to go out ALL DAY this winter as the house is so cold. No heat in the bedrooms all winter! Please can you just give me any advice about what to do

Marina I'm so sorry. The words don't convey enough, but I truly am. Very sad and hard for you all.

I'm 2nd generation HD, but used to believe hoarding was defined only by keeping everything in chaotic squalor.

I'd always needed things clean and organized, but losing my twins months apart, then their younger brother shortly after the second one, and facing a great deal of suspicion, (genetic diagnosis many years later) was the start of not being able to let go of things normally here, as well as at times becoming excessive over cleanliness.
More tragedies hit later and the 'hang on to everything, save and repair things, organize them, and scrub everything' response was further triggered. Lack of money and stability exacerbated parts of it, but I was very unaware at the time.

However, no matter what may have triggered something, it becomes effectively irrelevant once the end result is ruining someone's life unless that knowledge can be used to create change. It's possible to care deeply and still be unable to live with something.

If this has run through winter and he's still not fixed it, I doubt he'd fix it after you went, so I'd put that into calculating the sale value of the house.

But, if you do decide to try and get what he's done fixed, then I wonder if in your circumstances it might be worth you or someone on your behalf, having a look at your local Round table organization and trying reaching out to them for help? You may find they have the professional ability within their group and the interest in assisting local community, and they may take a very much smaller sum if indeed anything, towards the work. I've seen good responses in the past when others who'd run into deep trouble needed local help.

So sorry for your loss.

Dont rule out dementia. My DM was diagnosed in her early 80s- by which time since about 70 she had accumulated 14 wardrobes full of clothes- most never worn. The professionals said that it was probably an early indication/linked.

Am sorry for the loss that you both suffered. Would it be possible to get family support to get the severity of the situation across of to demand medical check via the GP?

I would give him a firm date by which time the heating/hot water must be fixed, after which time a professional will be called in to finish the job. Compile a list of jobs which remain unfinished (starting with the most important) and again give him an end date.

My own hubby is a DIY’er. He is very good at it but he can also have several jobs on the go at once, which can seem never ending. I can usually get him moving by being involved in the project. Example, I will say to him “what plans do you have for Saturday?” If he says no plans then I will say “great, I will help you finish fixing the broken fence/paint the spare room/mend the lawn mower etc. this way, the task becomes ours and not just his.

In reality, I’m pretty crap at DIY, so basically, my job is to pass him the correct tool, find the extension lead, make the tea, tell him how great it looks ha ha

Some of our outstanding jobs have been waiting 2 years or more, but these are things which are not really important and don’t interfere with our life. Something like hot water/heating should and must be fixed immediately, I wouldn’t give him a minutes peace until this was done. No hot water or heating is a health hazard.

Not wanting to pooh pooh hoarding. But many people have the 'gene'. I keep stuff my partner thinks is rubbish. I have witnessed them collect over 80 jigsaw puzzles that are all stacked up in the way some place in the house, preventing me from piling my crap in the same spot. Don't think I would dare suggest throwing them out. These small hobbies can spiral out of control. I have family members that have collected cars. And God knows what else. Totally justifiable by each and every hoarding party. I'd go as far to suggest it is totally normal behaviour - like a Jay collecting an abundance of acorns for rough times that may never come. My Mum thinks that she has levelled off her collecting, now that she has three sheds full of rubbish, and is operating a one in one out rule. That seems preposterous from my point of view. Though probably just as much as a minimalist looking over my shoulder.

When it starts to interfere with your quality of life. It is probably time to take stock. Though this is easier said than done.

My father was a hoarder, this forced my mum into her own bedroom and we were not allowed/able to enter my dad's room for several years as the problem got progressively worse. When my dad passed away (after my mum) and we finally entered it was clear he had not slept in the bed for years, it was entirely covered with papers and items he had collected over the years and the floor could not be seen with every inch covered in around 2 feet of papers and things. Dad was however fastidiously clean and tidy with his appearance - his bedroom was his 'shameful' secret. Mum fought for many years against a rising tide of his hoarding behaviour and it was severely damaging to their relationship and her own mental health. She passed at 75 having lived with his extreme and life changing hoarding for probably the best part of 20 years.

Dad was the youngest sibling of 6 and the last surviving - I think his hoarding was triggered by loss of his family. We all wanted to help him but he would not accept help. After his passing it took us several full weeks to clear our that one room alone.

I am very sorry you are living with the manifestation of your husband's coping strategy with the loss you suffered, it is truly a very very difficult situation and not one that either of you want to be living ultimately.

No easy solutions here from me, but a lot of empathy, compassion and understanding.

@Elleherd , thank you so much for your posts on this. They have been illuminating.

I'm so sorry for your losses 💐

I would not stay with someone who is obviously mentally ill but refuses to seek help.

You are entitled to half of the equity in the house and you CAN force a sale if you divorce. I would use my savings and get the house in just good enough condition to sell, and I would see a solicitor ASAP.

This is ABUSE. He is doing this to shut you up and sadly it's working.

You cannot fix this man. Don't even bother trying. If you want even a semblance of a happy future, you need to leave him.