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Original poster

DH said he would be happy if I met someone else

45 replies

Daffodilssss · 07/03/2024 11:28

DH and I have been married a long time and have 3 young DC - we have been going through a rough patch for a number of years now. Have been on the verge of splitting up many times. Recently he suggested opening up our marriage - I wasn't at all sure and asked him what would happen if I met a man I had feelings for - he replied that it would be great! He would be happy for me. Then we (me and theoretical new man) could eventually be together properly when the children are older. I was open mouthed with shock.

AIBU (wrong topic but this seems the right phrase!) to think this means DH doesn't want to be with me at all, except for convenience for the DC. When I questioned him about it (several times) he stood by it. Said he doesn't love me in a 'possessive way'. But he doesn't seem to love/want me at all, not really.

OP posts:
GoodnightAdeline · 07/03/2024 11:29

I would take him up on it.

Moonlightandroses44 · 07/03/2024 11:29

Yeah no he doesn’t love you. He is there for the kids. Sorry OP.

ZekeZeke · 07/03/2024 11:30

He has another woman.
He is giving you the freedom to explore OM as he feels guilty.
I wouldn't settle for this and would divorce.

Calculuses · 07/03/2024 11:32

I'd bet he's already at it.

BigFatLiar · 07/03/2024 11:34

Some people are OK with open marriage but not for me. If it's not for you then just say no, end of conversation. Is he bored with the physical aspect of your marriage? Has he gone off sex? He's also talking about you being together long term so he's still interested in your marriage, perhaps he thinks you're bored with him.

perfectcolourfound · 07/03/2024 11:37

I think there's a good chance he already has another woman, or has serious plans or hopes to do so. It would therefore suit him if you found another man, as he could be the innocent party, you could mutually agree on living apart but together, or splitting up, and it wouldn't be his fault.

Even if that isn't the case, he's showing you he isn't invested in your marriage and doesn't much care.

Wanting your OH to find another love - that isn't love. That's wanting out.

I'm so sorry.

Peekaboobo · 07/03/2024 11:41

Moonlightandroses44 · 07/03/2024 11:29

Yeah no he doesn’t love you. He is there for the kids. Sorry OP.

This.

No man who loves a woman wouldn't mind if she had sex with another man.

I don't even think he's there for the kids to be honest. I think he's there for the domestic and financial convenience.

Time to file for divorce I think.

Original poster
Daffodilssss · 07/03/2024 11:45

I think you're all right sadly. Thank you for the kind words.

@BigFatLiar unfortunately he's not talking about us being together long term, really, he's talking about me and someone else!

Yes @Peekaboobo and it's not just sex - he'd be happy if I loved someone else. This is what I'm struggling to get my head around - or rather I'm pretty sure I know what it means. He says it as though I should accept it, which makes me question myself, but I can't imagine being happy he met someone else, even if we had split up. It would take me ages to get to that point - if I ever did.

OP posts:
DeedlessIndeed · 07/03/2024 11:49

He's trying to ease his guilt by giving you "permission".

LTB. Honestly, why stay with someone who clearly is not in love with you, and hasn't been for enough time that he's moved on already.

At the moment you are just supporting him domestically. He wants a live-in Nanny and cleaner and to have his wick away elsewhere.

BoohooWoohoo · 07/03/2024 11:51

I think that there’s somebody that he’d like to shag (if he’s not already) and you dating other men gives him permission to do what he wants to.

Staying together for the kids is awful for everyone. Last thing you want when dealing with an empty nest is dating.

Pushtart · 07/03/2024 11:51

I'm sorry, that must of been hard to hear. Sadly I agree with others, he doesn't seem to want to be in the marriage. I would worry he is already having an affair of some kind tbh

Divastrout · 07/03/2024 11:54

I think slightly that this is more of a serial fetish. He wants to be a cuckold. A type of BDSM. And fantises about you being with other men. He may also being priming you so he can watch and get off on it.
Is this where you want your relationship to be?? That really is what you have to decide.

CoconutQueen · 07/03/2024 11:57

Sorry OP but he is definitely interested in someone else which is why he has said this; probably already with her....

Original poster
Daffodilssss · 07/03/2024 12:06

@Divastrout I don't think it's that! He's never mentioned anything like that... could be wrong though

@CoconutQueen and others - I don't think he's already met someone, but again, what do I know? Maybe he's had his head turned...

OP posts:
Original poster
Daffodilssss · 07/03/2024 12:46

Is it enough for divorce though? It is very theoretical but feels in some way like ‘proof’ of his lack of feelings for me, which I’ve suspected for ages

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 07/03/2024 12:55

I’m so sorry, OP. That’s not something you can unhear, unfortunately 😟. Be thankful he’s so ‘honest’ as forewarned is forearmed.

Do you love him? Are you even interested in being with other people? How old are your children and Are you willing to be unloved until your children are grown?

Whatever you decide, start preparing for the end pretty quickly, because he’s half gone. Sounds like the gentlest breeze from another woman could sweep him clean away; if not wholly, at least into an affair.

Pushtart · 07/03/2024 12:58

Daffodilssss · 07/03/2024 12:46

Is it enough for divorce though? It is very theoretical but feels in some way like ‘proof’ of his lack of feelings for me, which I’ve suspected for ages

maybe not straight to divorce, but you should probably speak to him more honestly, and tell him that you think it means he doesn't care about your marriage and what that means for you. Sometimes you need to have those hard difficult conversations, be really honest. Otherwise you could waste years and energy on someone that didn't care that much.

Snoken · 07/03/2024 13:37

It's exactly how I felt when I knew my marriage was over but I didn't have the courage to leave. I have since left and I never actually told my ex that I wanted us to see other people, but at that point I couldn't care less if he had met someone and it would just have been easier if he left me.

BackCats · 07/03/2024 13:53

There’s also another possibility. He may be cut off from his own feelings.

I had an ex who demonstrated he wasn’t willing to sacrifice, risk or compromise anything for our relationship or my happiness in it, so I pushed for us to split and I made it clear that there would be no going back.

About a month after he moved out, he started laying it on really thick, saying he’d be willing to do all those things I had wanted, and that he felt completely broken without me. He kept trying over and over to get me back. He was confused about how resolute I was - he expected more messiness, drama, prevarication.

I think he just didn’t know how he felt about me until he couldn’t have me and I’d moved on. There are probably a lot of people like this - on a conscious level they think they know what they want, but in their body and soul they want something different. It’s a complete pain in the arse and time waste to be with them.

Deargodletitgo · 07/03/2024 14:01

Sounds like what my DP did in his previous marriage, he needed a way out so actively encouraged her to open the marriage so she got with an ex bf....he then walked away when he knew she'd be looked after by someone else. He felt less guilt that way apparently.

Moonlightandroses44 · 07/03/2024 14:06

Deargodletitgo · 07/03/2024 14:01

Sounds like what my DP did in his previous marriage, he needed a way out so actively encouraged her to open the marriage so she got with an ex bf....he then walked away when he knew she'd be looked after by someone else. He felt less guilt that way apparently.

Yes men are cowards when it comes to ending a relationship.

I knew a guy who had affairs throughout the entirety of his marriage. Escalating in length / seriousness each time until he finally got caught and then admitted he wanted her to end it.

she didn’t and they’re still together. He kind of just resigned himself and said it was ‘for the kids’. He is still in love with the most recent OW. Mental.

but yes they’d much rather push for the woman to pull the trigger. It alleviates their guilt, particularly when kids are involved because the decision is taken out of their hands supposedly.

Aguinnessplease · 07/03/2024 14:37

He’s trying to get you to end the marriage and take the guilt of breaking up the family rather than himself. A cowardly act from a man child.

Starspangledrodeopony · 07/03/2024 14:39

Ask him if he’s met someone else.

Imjustagirlintheworld · 07/03/2024 15:28

Ye-es… I said this to dh when I was in the midst of an affair with another man and just wanted out really. I suggested an open marriage to assuage my guilt and because I basically wanted to have my cake and eat it, or for dh to just leave.

It turned out to be a huge mistake though and I regret it now, it was extremely callous but all I cared about was being with the OM at the time.

MiltonNorthern · 07/03/2024 15:30

Divastrout · 07/03/2024 11:54

I think slightly that this is more of a serial fetish. He wants to be a cuckold. A type of BDSM. And fantises about you being with other men. He may also being priming you so he can watch and get off on it.
Is this where you want your relationship to be?? That really is what you have to decide.

This doesn't sound like cuckold fetish it sounds like a man who's checked out of the marriage. Cuckold fetishists are usually very attached to their partners and definitely don't want them to fall in love with someone else. They also usually want to participate in the action by watching.