DH said he would be happy if I met someone else

[Daffodilssss]

DH and I have been married a long time and have 3 young DC - we have been going through a rough patch for a number of years now. Have been on the verge of splitting up many times. Recently he suggested opening up our marriage - I wasn't at all sure and asked him what would happen if I met a man I had feelings for - he replied that it would be great! He would be happy for me. Then we (me and theoretical new man) could eventually be together properly when the children are older. I was open mouthed with shock.

AIBU (wrong topic but this seems the right phrase!) to think this means DH doesn't want to be with me at all, except for convenience for the DC. When I questioned him about it (several times) he stood by it. Said he doesn't love me in a 'possessive way'. But he doesn't seem to love/want me at all, not really.

What a blasé attitude to have - your husband I mean. This must have been very upsetting for you to hear. I know I'd be hurt if my husband was quite happy for me to meet someone else, surely means he is not completely invested anymore?

Well, "I don't love you like you want to be loved and I really don't mind if you fall for someone else" is as good a reason for divorce as anything else I can think of.

I'd be opening up the marriage so fucking far the divorce court would fit in the gap.
Truly, what is there to be saved when the husband is talking like this.

Recently he suggested opening up our marriage

This means your marriage already is open, you just didn't know it. He's cheating.

I read years ago that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Your DH does sound quite indifferent to you. Maybe counselling would be a good idea to figure out a way forward.

Yeah, I agree he's seeking an easy way out so he can feel less guilty, so I'd take him at his word.

I'm also not usually one to run to 'he has another woman already' but it does seem plausible that a lot of 'let's open our marriage' guys have already done so without asking their wife's permission and are trying to nudge wife away from them so he doesn't have to feel he's the one who's ended the marriage.

Could he be gay ?

OP, you ask if this is enough to divorce him. For most women the answer would be a resounding yes.

Your husband of many years would be thoroughly delighted if you slept with and then fell in love with another man. How does that sound to you?

I also agree with other posters. He's already shagging someone else himself. Men usually suggest open marriages when they're having an affair because it relieves them of guilt. Please don't say it's impossible because he's with me all the time. I wish I had a pound for every woman who's said that. Including me!

Yeh,agree with others, don't let him change the narrative. Tell people he suggested an open marriage. Don't let him say you wanted out of the marriage with no reason.

There is so much stuff out there about not opening up your marriage if you are already having relationship issues, it is more likely to break you rather than make you stronger. I think you should only open up if you are a strong couple, which currently you aren’t.

I remember feeling like that about my partner when I was in my 20s. I was still fond of him, but I would also fantasise about him meeting someone else and being really happy with them. It was clearly my subconscious telling me that he wasn't the one for me and to move on, which I did. It sounds like your OH is emotionally disengaging from your relationship sadly.

If he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, why would you stay? He's taking the coward's way out and hoping you'll act. I would be getting things sorted out with a view to separating. At the very least, see a solicitor so you can understand what your options are.

He’s deflecting. He’s found another woman.

He's just a d%£k. Simple. He will eventually errode your self esteem. If you let him.

Everyone jumping to negatives but you basically have a man and father here who isn’t breaking up the family while the children are young, is clearly getting along with you well on a day to day level, and doing his bit. That’s much better than you could say for a man who throws in the towel and just leaves.

I”m sorry. It can be devastating when you start to understand what is going on in the other person’s head. During my marriage, my ex told me he wouldn’t mind if I saw other people as a way to invalidate my feelings of hurt around him having lots of flirtatious relationships. Later, he said that if I had sex with someone else, I might be happier, and then everyone would be happier. Making me happier by being kinder to me was not an option. His narcissism was very strong and he was looking for get-out clauses, lovely new sources of emotional and sexual fuel, and trying to make me end the marriage (which I eventually did). Your husband seems to be giving you the same message - that you should start looking for happiness now as you can’t rely on him and he wants to feel less culpable (in the eyes of others) when he splits - you’ll take at least half the blame, or he can portray it as a mutual thing. Or he wants to hurt and punish you in a narc fashion while also manipulating you to end it for him. If he is a narc you should plan v carefully how to get out but you will need to do so. If he cares nothing for you now, he will care less in divorce. I don’t know if this helps but your situation rang an alarm bell for me.

I don't agree that it's better to stay together and pretend all is good infront of the kids. If he doesn't want to remain married he needs to leave the relationship and let OP continue with her life. Sure it will hurt initially but the longterm hurt of knowing you stayed with someone for years who didn't want to be with you is surely worse.

I’m so sorry for you, he’s checked out and would like another man to relieve the ‘burden’ from him. I hope you find your way out of this, your marriage is done.

This is what I am thinking about. People often don’t know what they want or need until they have screwed it all up and can’t get it back.

I agree. In my case, I was being used for my domestic labour, financial provision and the way to keep him close to his children (and outwardly a happy family). But he was planning for years to exit when they were grown up and I was no further use. If it’s a not real relationship/marriage, it is a toxic model for the children as well, as I think they will absorb this dynamic on a deep level. I wish I’d ended it earlier when I had more time to rebuild my life. The years of being with someone who didn’t love me have taken their toll.