Sad who I’ve ended up with

Ditsydooo · 2024-03-07T09:29:36+00:00

This sounds silly. I just think about younger me who dreamed of being married to someone who loves me and adores me im quite sure my DH doesn’t. Hes just so mean and flips his lid easily, but when I crack after a build up of things I apparently have anger issues or I’m unreasonable? he always uses horrible words during arguments, I can’t remember the last time he says something nice about me and when he has I get shocked and then he says “see this is why I never say anything like this” We have 2 kids , 2nd was an accident but it was then I kind of accepted I was staying with him for security for my kids were happy in front of them he’s very stubborn he can’t admit he’s wrong so that causes a lot of arguments but again he won’t accept that he’d blame me We did love eachother I don’t know if he does me, because he doesn’t show it but I just feel deflated and wish I had someone who showed me love and seemed to like me

Fimofriend · 07/03/2024 09:39

I don't have any advice.
I am so sorry for you. It must be hard.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2024 09:40

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. He is deflecting his own self onto you; HE is the one who has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you call him out.

If you are in the UK I would urge you to contact Womens Aid initially and seek legal advice re separation and divorce. Knowledge gives you power.

Would you want your children to be in a relationship like this; no you would not and you would want better for them. Material things count for nothing when abuse is present in a marriage.

I would readily assume too he does not behave like he does to you towards people in the outside world or his work colleagues. No he is all sweetness and light to them. Abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, this is NO legacy to be leaving them and for them to potentially repeat in their own adult relationships.

Staying for the sake of the children or in your case their security is often a bad idea and in your particular case a terrible one. He is not a good father to his children because he is abusing you, their mother, in their home. You may want to appear happy in front of them but they are not daft and do pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken here. Sound travels as well, they likely hear all the bad words he throws at you and they know on some level that you are unhappy and deflated. They have likely seen and heard far more than you care to realise as well.

Dewdilly · 07/03/2024 09:42

I think you might need to leave him. Have you tried counselling?

KeepSmiling89 · 07/03/2024 09:47

I agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat - sounds like there is some emotional abuse going on here.
I'm currently reading "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and it's so eye opening. So many points that apply to my situation as I left my ex just over a year ago.

DustyLee123 · 07/03/2024 09:49

Time to move on.

WhoaJayShettybambalam · 07/03/2024 09:51

We have 2 kids , 2nd was an accident but it was then I kind of accepted I was staying with him for security for my kids

By staying you are teaching your children to settle for less too. Do you want them to want more from a relationship or do you want them to be happy?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2024 09:51

Counselling on your own could prove helpful to you. Do not undertake any form of joint counselling with him under any circumstances. You are not emotionally safe enough to do this with him and he will likely try and manipulate the counsellor into seeing his side.

Abuse is not a relationship issue. Abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute over you and in turn your children. Your boundaries here are further being skewed by your H now.

Remember also that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Consider too what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

AllEars112232 · 07/03/2024 11:35

Staying with someone because of the children is not a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage.
My parents did this and it was very damaging for me and my siblings.
Find the strength to leave. Your DCs can still have security from 2 parents who love them, but just don't live together.

I can promise you, even if you can hide it from them now they will eventually realise the truthful. Is that the role model you want to be to your children?

Watchkeys · 07/03/2024 11:44

You haven't ended up with him. You've made choices in favour of an unfulfilling relationship. This isn't a situation you are the victim of; you are in charge. If you don't like it, change it.

Hbosh · 07/03/2024 11:44

The title of your post 'ended up with' is an indication of how stuck you feel.
You're not.

You haven't 'ended up' with anyone. You're with him now and you can just as easily not be with him if you choose to.
And with what you've written about him and about your relationship, why on earth wouldn't you just leave?
Maybe you can end up with someone who doesn't treat you like garbage, once this man isn't limiting your options anymore.

Pushtart · 07/03/2024 12:00

do you think its possible he feels the same way as you too? Would counselling for you, or as a couple help? Its not worth staying if you are sad and unhappy. I think you need an honest conversation with your DH.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 07/03/2024 12:41

What do you think might cause him to be angry and mean ? I cannot imagine he wants to be like that. Is he stressed by money, work, time-poverty ? Meanness and a short fuse must be a symptom of something he needs to work out.

BardRelic · 07/03/2024 12:46

You don't have to share the information OP but I'd consider how much of an accident your second child was. It might have been an accidental pregnancy for you, but planned on his part to increase your ties to him.

Gettingonmygoat · 07/03/2024 14:51

Please don't stay for the children's sake. I did and it done them so much harm. My now adult son asked me what on earth i thought i was teaching them by staying with an abuser. You say you are happy in front of them, do you think children are deaf? they see and hear it all. Get your poor children away from such an awful situation. They deserve better.

Rumblingthunder · 07/03/2024 16:17

Hbosh · 07/03/2024 11:44

The title of your post 'ended up with' is an indication of how stuck you feel.
You're not.

You haven't 'ended up' with anyone. You're with him now and you can just as easily not be with him if you choose to.
And with what you've written about him and about your relationship, why on earth wouldn't you just leave?
Maybe you can end up with someone who doesn't treat you like garbage, once this man isn't limiting your options anymore.

Absolutely this!

OP - I remember feeling exactly the same when my exH seemed to ‘go off’ me. It took me a while, but eventually realised it was emotional abuse.

you don’t have to settle for it. My kids are much happier now that I left him and am happy. You can’t live like this

SKG231 · 07/03/2024 16:23

Life is too short to live like this.

speak to women’s charities, get as much advice as you can, get your finances in order and make your plan to leave.

you may think you’re being happy infront of your children but they aren’t going to be young forever and they aren’t stupid. Do not set your children up with unhealthy ideas about relationships and families and leave now. Don’t find yourself in 10-15 years time with children who are saying to you that they wished you’d left sooner as their childhood was filled with tension and confusion.

you have so much left of your life to move on and find someone who truly does adore you and make you happy.

DrJoanAllenby · 07/03/2024 16:30

You e brought misery upon yourself by starting with him.

You can still meet Mr Wonderful, it's not too late at all.

terfinthewild · 08/03/2024 22:03

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2024 09:40

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. He is deflecting his own self onto you; HE is the one who has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you call him out.

If you are in the UK I would urge you to contact Womens Aid initially and seek legal advice re separation and divorce. Knowledge gives you power.

Would you want your children to be in a relationship like this; no you would not and you would want better for them. Material things count for nothing when abuse is present in a marriage.

I would readily assume too he does not behave like he does to you towards people in the outside world or his work colleagues. No he is all sweetness and light to them. Abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, this is NO legacy to be leaving them and for them to potentially repeat in their own adult relationships.

Staying for the sake of the children or in your case their security is often a bad idea and in your particular case a terrible one. He is not a good father to his children because he is abusing you, their mother, in their home. You may want to appear happy in front of them but they are not daft and do pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken here. Sound travels as well, they likely hear all the bad words he throws at you and they know on some level that you are unhappy and deflated. They have likely seen and heard far more than you care to realise as well.

I'm sorry, why are you calling him an abuser?

80s · 08/03/2024 22:13

were happy in front of them
I guess you mean that you don't yell and scream at each other when they are in the same room? You don't seem to mean that you hug and kiss one another, talk to one another with obvious respect, are generous and kind to one another, and all the other ways in which a happy couple quietly shows their children what a healthy relationship is like?
They can probably hear you rowing in the other room, or at the least see your red eyes and tired, miserable face, and feel the icy atmosphere.

80s · 08/03/2024 22:17

terfinthewild · 08/03/2024 22:03

I'm sorry, why are you calling him an abuser?

Show quote history

Because of the emotional abuse the OP describes.
https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/emotional-abuse

Emotional abuse | Relate

Most people know what physical abuse is, but when it comes to emotional abuse, people tend to think there’s much more of a ‘grey area’.

https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/emotional-abuse

EG94 · 08/03/2024 22:20

fuck me, reading this wondering if my partner has a double life 😂 100% snap. I’m starting to see signs of gas lighting, manipulation and emotional abuse. Once very happy now, mostly sad. The highs are so high but the lows wow. I hear you and I’m sending hugs xx

mydrivingisterrible · 08/03/2024 22:24

WhoaJayShettybambalam · 07/03/2024 09:51

We have 2 kids , 2nd was an accident but it was then I kind of accepted I was staying with him for security for my kids

By staying you are teaching your children to settle for less too. Do you want them to want more from a relationship or do you want them to be happy?

That often gets touted on here and it's not true. I saw my mother stay with a horrid guy and while I don't respect her for it, it's also not a mistake I've ever made. I learned from her mistake

SirQuintusAurelius · 08/03/2024 22:25

Sad who I’ve ended up with

At the risk of stating the obvious, as adults - and this applies to all of us with free will in a democracy - you are with a partner because you choose to be.

Unless you were kidnapped/coerced/forced marriage, you are where you are because of choices you made in the past, the choice you made today and the choice you make tomorrow.

It is all with your consent.

You didn't accidently 'end up' with someone. It was your choice to start seeing him, your choice to go on a second date, your choice to become exclusive/serious, your choice to accept a proposal/make a proposal/get engaged; your choice to get married; your choice to stay married and so on.

Even if your position now is 'I choose to stay for the children', that is still a choice. Plenty of men and women the world over with children choose to leave for very trivial reasons - like they are bored or have met someone that they want to have sex with more that the current partner. Even if you are severely unhappy and choosing to stay, it's a choice you are making.

It might be that you feel the right choice for the children is to stay but that's still your adult decision. It's not some magical universe imposing it on you.

One Life. Your choice. What you decide today dictates where you will be tomorrow.

Ofcourseshecan · 08/03/2024 22:33

I agree with everything Attila has said. He is the problem, not you. Please don’t condemn your children to grow up in this unhappiness.

Vretz · 08/03/2024 23:31

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/03/2024 09:40

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. He is deflecting his own self onto you; HE is the one who has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you call him out.

If you are in the UK I would urge you to contact Womens Aid initially and seek legal advice re separation and divorce. Knowledge gives you power.

Would you want your children to be in a relationship like this; no you would not and you would want better for them. Material things count for nothing when abuse is present in a marriage.

I would readily assume too he does not behave like he does to you towards people in the outside world or his work colleagues. No he is all sweetness and light to them. Abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, this is NO legacy to be leaving them and for them to potentially repeat in their own adult relationships.

Staying for the sake of the children or in your case their security is often a bad idea and in your particular case a terrible one. He is not a good father to his children because he is abusing you, their mother, in their home. You may want to appear happy in front of them but they are not daft and do pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken here. Sound travels as well, they likely hear all the bad words he throws at you and they know on some level that you are unhappy and deflated. They have likely seen and heard far more than you care to realise as well.

It's rare I agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat but although I disagree with the strength of words, I do agree with the sentiment that this doesn't sound quite right.