Dh's behaviour becoming worse, I just want my husband back

[ashamedandmiserable]

Namechanged for this

I have come to the conclusion, after tonight, that I must begin steps to leave. But, I don't want to: having only just left the homeless system; feeling too pathetic worthless and miserable; children adore him; etc

However, recently his drinking has become worse and worse. and of course his behaviour more and more erratic and jeckyll & hyde-y'. Today, when I got home I could see he was stoked up (got home from town at 4,45) and idiot that I am I should have seen this and kept my gob shut, tone bright and so one. Well, muggins didn't and for my pains of questionng why he feels and believesall he's said, I now have a blinding headache, after being punched, slapped,hair pulled, and plastic plate smashed over me. What really concerns me is the first time he hit me today I was holding dd2 who's 4wks, and swiftly put down in her carrycot.

I have an appt at the docs on fri, the earliest I could get, with a view to going back on the ad's, I had PND after dd1 2yrs ago. Thinking about it now, I'm wondering how much was down to hormones. Admittedly I am hormonal, but I had a baby just under 4wks ago ffs, and the one time i did indulge in a bout of blubbiness I was told that it was no good crying, I am a usless mother and wife etc... Sorry, and sobbing as I type, safe to do so now, as he is now sleeping it all off.

But the shame and embarrassment, and misery I am feeling roght now is nothing compared to the idea that maybe he's right, and no-one in rl would believe me, he's stated ofthn enough that I'm a psycho, thick, useless mother and right now, the thought has crossed my mind that mybe the dc's would be better without me, although only briefly.

Recently he's taken to threatening to have social services take the dc's away and have me dismissed as a useless mother. apparantly i am not safe to look after them alone cos they might not be safe cos I used to self harm 10 yrs ago in my teens... Oh yes, I'm a whore, always have been and he was only with me cos I was an easy fuck and then I trapped him by getting pg. 18mths after he met me I might add. I could go on, but what I'm trying to say is please give me ideas on how I could get my dh back? Sober he's a lovely chap, and I know sober he knows all this is out of order, but apparantly I still deserve it cos I am chopsy, gobby and backchat. Oh and because I don't bring any money into the house (stopped work after dc#2 partly on his request and partly as childcare would have meant I was working for a loss)

I know he has stresses at the mo, no job since laid off, only income was his, jobcentre not paying benefits cos of the wasy he was finished. Plus his evil mother (used to use him as a punchbag wjhen he was a child, history repeated, only with wife, not dc's won't lay a finger on them. Thank f**k she taught him how to not leave bruises) and spineless father have just flown into the country for their bi-annual visit after emigrating 3.5 yrs ago, and are building up his hopes aboput coming to visit us, they haven't seen ds for 3 yrs, and never seen the dds.

I want my dh back sooo much. I'm bloody miserable, and he is too cos this is why he is drinking so much, and behaving the way he is. I have been on the womens aid site, and am going to be making escape plans if he kicks off to this degree again.

Constructive ideas please.

i have no constructive advice other than to say get out .....thats not what you want to hear ....ill hug you tho (((U))) and hope that soon you get some better advice.

for what its worth your dh sounds a bastard.

Oh sweetheart.
Firstly, you need to be safe, and you need to protect your children.
A man who physically attacks the mother of his children, whilst she is holding their baby, needs help.
I don't think you should be waiting for the next time before making an exit strategy.
I think you should be doing it now.

Your DH can seek help for his drinking issues, and the fact that he had a terrible childhood, but right now you need to act to help yourself and your children.

Phone the freephone number for women's aid now, whilst he is asleep.

0808 2000 247

I don't know what to say, but I didn't want this to go unanswered. Look, you know what everyone is going to tell you, don't you. LEAVE NOW. You can't change him. You can't bring the old DH back, he isn't there anymore. You are living with a violent, abusive alcoholic who is trying to destroy your self-esteem and make you feel worthless and the only thing you can do is get out before it gets worse.
Please don't say you'll leave 'if he does it again'. He's done enough. He won't get custody of your children and he knows that - they are empty threats.
His problems sound as if they are really deepseated and hanging around to act as his punchbag isn't going to help solve them - but it could destroy you.
I know others will be along with more practical advice, all I can do is urge you to take it.

Sorry but that's not a 'lovely' man, that's an abusive arsehole. He has been bullying and mistreating you for a sustained period of time and filled your head with nonsense. He won;'t get custody, your DC won;t get taken away. You can get him removed from the house by the police, even if it is in his name.
Make your escape plans, your getting-rid-of-him plans. Use all the support you can and will get both on MN and in RL. But don;t waste any more time or pity on this dickweed.

Sorry I have no personal experience on this but know enough through others that you must leave and protect yourself and DC. I know you say he hasnt hit DC's but you cant wait until he has, it could be too late.

You are no a useless mother and he is abusing you by saying this.

You need to remove yourself from danger whilst he sorts himself out. You can work with him to help him sort it but he has to earn your trust and respect back.

My heart goes out to you. I'm not saying it will be easy but be strong .

Its not you with the problem its him. Gather yourself and leave, he will not get better whilst you empower him to continue with this beheviour.

Leave and then have a sober talk, write down all the things you feel ( right or wrong they are how you feel) and show him, you will not have the strength face to face.

If he is such a lovely bloke then seeing how bad you feel should give him a kick up the arse. Its along road but you have to walk its whole length.

Try and come up with a life plan to get out of this little rut. Looking 1, 3 or even 5 years a head, lifes hard when you've got little ones but they won't always be.

Please don't believe the things he says and do not allow him to treat you this way. What would you say if his first punch had caused you to drop the baby?

I am glad you are starting to realise that you need to leave.
Your opening sentence says it all and is exactly why so many people stay in abusive situations, because of "feeling too pathetic worthless and miserable". With free will and a clear head I promise you, you would not choose to stay with this man.

You are not responsible for his actions. There is no excuse for his behaviour.
He CHOOSES to behave like this.
Believe me I have been there.
I am sorry he has made you feel like this. NONE of it was your fault. Not your PND, your behaviour, NOTHING.

You need help and support to get you back to a point where you are strong enough not only to leave but KNOW you are worth more.

Many, many people have been in this situation. Post in this forum for help and support:

www.enotalone.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=32

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

You don't need a doctor. You need a lawyer. You need to get this violent bully out of your home, and your life, right now before he ends up seriously injuring you or one of the children. He hit you when you were holding your tiny baby, FGS! What if you'd dropped her?
Being 'miserable' is no excuse for hitting your wife, drinking to excess, or undermining your confidence to such an extent that you think you provoked him into it.
And men who care about their children don't violently assault their children's mother. What do you think it does to a child to see their mother being attacked? It screws them up bigtime. I have a sister-in-law who made excuse after excuse for her violent partner. She ended up in intensive care after he tried to slice off her ear. And her daughters, who'd witnessed years of beatings, now have zero self-esteem. Chances are they, too, will end up in relationships with men who disrespect them.
Don't let this happen to you. Get some help. Now.

Completely agree with what's been said. If you stay with him he will grind you down and he will hurt you more and more. He is too sick to have a decent relationship with a woman, because of his childhood and because of his drinking.

This must be so hard for you with your children so young, but Women's Aid is there for people just like you. Plan your escape.

I don't feel strong. Like shit really. have always done my utmost to shield dc's from this, and nearly always succeeded. am terrified by the thought one might get caught up, the thread the other day had me sobbing, but I also know that that could be me if I tried to leave and he's been drinking.

How did it all go so wrong? wedding pid by the pc, and am sobbing over it. what went wrong?

You need to look forward.
Your children must be your top priority.
Phone the freephone number for women's aid now, whilst he is asleep.
0808 2000 247

You can reflect on where it all went wrong later on. Right now, you need to protect your children.

hi there. Babe i know how you feel. I am also made to feel all the things you are. I have been told all the things you have. My h does not even drink. I also have had the same thoughts go through my head. What about ds he will miss him. Where will i live etc. Perhaps if i just keep quiet may be he will be ok. We cant carry on living like this you know that dont you? Where do you live. Lets do this together. We deserve better. Please cat me. Even if to just unload. I am going to see a lady thursday. Shall i let you know options to? I know right now you are thinking its your fault and you should have kept quiet but if someone really loves you. You should not have to watch what you say. God i wish i was with you. Just to make tea and tell you your not alone in this

mm, thank you. emailed you. it is safe, my part of pc password protected, v long and obscure.

We are thinking of you. None of this is your fault.

How are things going today?

This is not your fault!
You can't make up for his Mum beating him, by staying with him.

You said that his Mum taught him how not to leave bruises, do you want him to pass that family treasure down to your children?

Please don't wait till next time - it may be too late. There is alot of help out there -take it!

Good luck

ashamedandmiserable I was in a similiar situation many years ago and I lived to tell the tale. Admittedly, there were no children which of course made it easier. But please know that you could be at the start of a long road to a better life for you and your kids if you do leave. My own mum did not leave a similiar situation for 15 long years - and, despite witnessing what I did - I ended accepting the same terrible treatment in my own relationship years later, despite telling myself I would never ever put up with that! This is why you have to leave for your children. Nothing is worse than living like you are right now - I'm sure you're miserable and frightened, but you can get out and start again - if you get help from Women's Aid, etc. Please put yourself and your children first, instead of your husband. Please make plans to leave. I did leave properly, eventually - after about 3 attempts - and I now have a lovely life with a wonderful husband.Stay in touch and let us know how you get on.

You owe it to your children to get out now and take them to a safe environment.

If your dh decides to get help for his abusive and alcoholic mentality/ habit, then he can but it has to be something he does off his own back.

Don't wait until it is too late and someone gets permanently damaged.......please.

Massive hug to you in the meantime. Call women's aid asap and post here for support.

Hope today goes well for you. Sending good vibes. My sister in law survived, you can too.

A&M - your dh is an alcoholic and a bully and you really should leave him and get your dc away from him. Even if he never hits them directly, do you want them bought up seeing him beat you like this regularly? They will grow up to think that this is normal, and possibly go on to do the same to their future partners, and might even lose respect for you in the long run for putting up with it.
My P is an alcoholic too and we are living apart atm because of his drinking, he has never hit me but typical alcoholic behaviour is to blame everyone else for their addiction. They have no self respect but instead of admitting this and actually doing something about it, they put others down and knock the confidence of their partners to make themselves feel in control again.
There is a lot of support out there for you - you just have to take that first step.

Thank you everyone, after the troll recently, I was unsure whether to post. today has been very surreal, and weird. Have been creating mental lists of things to do, but my brain just isn't quite with it, my neck is giving me a lot of pain, and I'm still in shock to a degree, i think.

I keep remembering the terror I felt, and am using that to keep motavating myself that I am going to make that break and go. I do want to be sure that when I go, I'm gone. Re-reading the Womens aid website there is soooo much there that describes last night, and today. I think he knows he went too far, but that isn't any good, not unless he isn't prepared to face up to it.

Still feeling shitty, and thb really scared. it's one thing to say in the heat of the moment, but another thing to plan and go. my heart ppounds with the thought. couldn't sleep last night, can't keep eyes open today so am off to bed.

Are you certain he can't get access to what you write on here? I'd hate to think of him checking up on you and going mad if he saw this. So glad you're planning your escape xx