Dh's behaviour becoming worse, I just want my husband back

[ashamedandmiserable]

Namechanged for this

I have come to the conclusion, after tonight, that I must begin steps to leave. But, I don't want to: having only just left the homeless system; feeling too pathetic worthless and miserable; children adore him; etc

However, recently his drinking has become worse and worse. and of course his behaviour more and more erratic and jeckyll & hyde-y'. Today, when I got home I could see he was stoked up (got home from town at 4,45) and idiot that I am I should have seen this and kept my gob shut, tone bright and so one. Well, muggins didn't and for my pains of questionng why he feels and believesall he's said, I now have a blinding headache, after being punched, slapped,hair pulled, and plastic plate smashed over me. What really concerns me is the first time he hit me today I was holding dd2 who's 4wks, and swiftly put down in her carrycot.

I have an appt at the docs on fri, the earliest I could get, with a view to going back on the ad's, I had PND after dd1 2yrs ago. Thinking about it now, I'm wondering how much was down to hormones. Admittedly I am hormonal, but I had a baby just under 4wks ago ffs, and the one time i did indulge in a bout of blubbiness I was told that it was no good crying, I am a usless mother and wife etc... Sorry, and sobbing as I type, safe to do so now, as he is now sleeping it all off.

But the shame and embarrassment, and misery I am feeling roght now is nothing compared to the idea that maybe he's right, and no-one in rl would believe me, he's stated ofthn enough that I'm a psycho, thick, useless mother and right now, the thought has crossed my mind that mybe the dc's would be better without me, although only briefly.

Recently he's taken to threatening to have social services take the dc's away and have me dismissed as a useless mother. apparantly i am not safe to look after them alone cos they might not be safe cos I used to self harm 10 yrs ago in my teens... Oh yes, I'm a whore, always have been and he was only with me cos I was an easy fuck and then I trapped him by getting pg. 18mths after he met me I might add. I could go on, but what I'm trying to say is please give me ideas on how I could get my dh back? Sober he's a lovely chap, and I know sober he knows all this is out of order, but apparantly I still deserve it cos I am chopsy, gobby and backchat. Oh and because I don't bring any money into the house (stopped work after dc#2 partly on his request and partly as childcare would have meant I was working for a loss)

I know he has stresses at the mo, no job since laid off, only income was his, jobcentre not paying benefits cos of the wasy he was finished. Plus his evil mother (used to use him as a punchbag wjhen he was a child, history repeated, only with wife, not dc's won't lay a finger on them. Thank f**k she taught him how to not leave bruises) and spineless father have just flown into the country for their bi-annual visit after emigrating 3.5 yrs ago, and are building up his hopes aboput coming to visit us, they haven't seen ds for 3 yrs, and never seen the dds.

I want my dh back sooo much. I'm bloody miserable, and he is too cos this is why he is drinking so much, and behaving the way he is. I have been on the womens aid site, and am going to be making escape plans if he kicks off to this degree again.

Constructive ideas please.

Yes. 1, I come come on the mn when he is alseep or out and always log out of mn when finished. afaik he doesn't know my user name, and I changed for this anyway.
2, my user bit is pass word protected, and I cange it every time I come on. a hassle, but...

my mind is everywhere, but still focused on keeping dcs safe. i think he knows he has stepped well beyond the line, am hoping when the dust has settled I can talk to him and get him to go to the gp and ask for referral. fool that I am. if this makes sense I want to keep my family together, if he is prepared to take help, and WORK at it. I know when i go I will be gone, no going back, so I have to get it right.

I said a little to the counsellor today, nothing like the detail here, I still find event he idea of saying anything to anyone in rl a no-go. she has put 2 and 2 together, but I am terrified that she might have to go to social services, last thing i need is anyone sticking their noses in, that will make things worse, and I need calm so I can organise and plan quietly.

just to really make my day, his f**king parents rang, they are in the country for a fortnight, and instead of their usual drive to swansea for the day so they could see the kids they have hired a car and are coming up. Bugger bugger bugger, I do not want the woman under my roof for a minute, let alone an afternoon, but I have to bite my tongue, cos the other option of going out for the day is not poss,tempting as it is. I do not want the consequences. also tempting to tell her to make the most of seeing them, but again, it might raise suspision. Only one choice, bite my tongue and stock up on chocolate.

just functioning really. shocked that it all ahppened when I was holding the baby. am shaking everytime I sit on the sofa now, as that's where i was sat. the baby was safe, I had her cocooned on my lap. but shock. my neck is still really hurting, so will have to ask the doc to look and I'm wishing tomorrows appt was with a different doc, i don't like the one I'm booked in to see, but it was the earliest they had.

there are no excuses for the way he treats you. None. He drinks because he chooses to. Yes maybe he is an alcoholic but he wasn't once - it's through his own choice and actions that he reached the point where he is unable to control his drinking, and his temper.

Only you can decide whether you want to stay in this relationship, but even if he does get help for his drinking and his stress, and his temper, by hitting you he has already crossed a line. Could you honestly ever trust him again? Can you ever see yourself not wondering if he is going to hit you in the heat of an argument? Do you want your children to grow up thinking that it?s ok for their father to hit their mother? And if you have sons, to therefore think it?s ok to hit their future partners?

If you own the house then I would seak to stay there and to throw him out, but if you are renting then I would leave. And I would do it during the day while he is at work so that you can do it without confrontation.

You are worth better than this.

Hi A & M.

Why do you think your counsellor would 'have to go to social services' if you told her what was happening at home? Surely your children would be more at risk if you stay in this destructive relationship?

Why don't you give Women's Aid or similar a call to find out what your options really might be, from someone who is an expert? Then you will be in a better position to make decisions. I'm concerned that you might be in danger of talking yourself out of doing anything. The longer you leave it, the more likely it is that you'll think he's going to make changes all by himself. Unfortunately this is highly unlikely, as I am sure you know.

Good luck, keep posting,

Sorry, haven't read entire thread, but extremely horrified by your original post. Please leave as soon as you possibly can. You won't get your dh back - he is the only one who can get himself back. Do not let yourself be abused. Go to CAB tomorrow - find out about temporary shelter.
Good luck - you will be doing the best thing for your dc's and yourself when you leave.

My DS is nearly 7, he is challenging at times at the moment, but I know that it will pass within moments.

Your DH is how old ??

Stay where you are, and get a barring order.

This is not normal.

He still thinks all of those awful things about you even when he's sober...he does not desrve you and you should get away from him as soon as possible and stay safe and keep your children safe. You were holding your tiny and totally defenceless baby when he attacked you! Of course he could hurt your children, he didn't gently put baby away safely before laying into you did he! It's so wrong! I'm sorry, you need to wake up and walk out.

ashamedandmiserable - how are you feeling? Let us know you're okay.

Please phone Women's Aid to get RL practical advice about keeping you and the kids safe. I really wouldn't wait till he "kicks off to this degree again".

We're safe. I started on the ad's and am feeling even more out of it, and am getting panic attacks at the slightest things.

Dh has been quiet, and almost his usual self. I think this is partly due to having to cut his drinking back to a couple of tins after work this is the first work he's had since he was finished st new year. While he has said to me that he knows he'd overstepped by way too much, he is still not wanting to take any steps to change things that involve 'outsiders'.

I'm bumping along. Still in turmoil.

He doesn't want to involve outsiders because they will give you a more realistic take on the situation whereas, if it's just you two, he can probably browbeat you into believing it's all your fault, you wind him up, you didn't quieten the baby down quickly enough, etc. I understand your not leaving, it is a very difficult decision to make when someone has an emotional hold over you. But please be careful and alert. Wishing you all the best.

Give the ADs a fair wind too. They apparently often do give you panic attacks and restless nights while your system gets accustomed to them, which normally takes two or three weeks. I was in such a panicky state already when I started on them I didn't notice any difference except a slightly queasy stomach.

I am totally shocked and agree with what has been said before: you need to get out and fast! For your own sake, but much more important for your children. You will not be able to protect them when he oversteps again and beyond the last attack. Don't wait until it has happened. You sound like a very decent, intelligent and kind woman. You will survive and you deserve so so much better. Seek help immediately. Go Darling, you will be fine. Best of luck.

Hi ashamedandmiserable

I'm not so sure that you want your husband back

I think that you want the man you thought he was, back

If that makes sense.

People make massive excuses for the behaviour of drinkers (in rl I mean, not on here) including the old favourite 'it's a disease' like that makes it all okay and perfectly understandable. Drinking, and behaving the way your husband is, is a choice. No decent man is going to treat you that way. You are a lovely, intelligent and sweet lady and you deserve better, your babies deserve better. (gets down off soapbox, lowers placard reluctantly)

Keep us posted please, or I shall worry.

Please go - run like the feckin wind. Believe me when I say I have the t shirt and the video. I am sat here, probably double your age, worrying about H coming home. Please sweetheart , please.

You won't get your husband back.

The taboo has been broken. The sweet man you married is as gone as he would be dead.

You live with an abusive (mentally, physically and emotionally) man, who has ground your self esteem to the point where you believe that if SS were called they would think you were at fault.

He is at fault. He will not call SS. He would be too worried about you and your children being removed from his life completly to a battered woman's shelter - which you need to be in, sweetheart.

If, sober, he is lovely and knows this is out of order, then sober, he makes the decision to start drinking, and as a result, beating his wife. It is a choice he is making. He chooses to treat you like this. He can help it, and he won't, and that's a guarantee.

YOu should give women's aid another call and get some more help from them, you cannot live like this, you cannot raise your daughters like this, if you think for one minute they will never know that Daddy kicks the living shit out of Mummy, you are mistaken. They will know, and it will imprint in their brains as what a man is, and that is the sort of men they will marry, and you will be watching this play out before your very eyes in 20 years time, and you will be watching it four fold.

Get away from him.

PS - an enraged gorilla would not have done to you what he did to you tonight. They will not hit anyone holding an infant.

bump

I won't bullshit you with kind words. You need to get the fuck away from this man. If not for yourself, for your kids.

what an awful situation - you sound like you just don't have the energy to get out of it right now (you have a 4 week old baby - no wonder!!) but there is no way in the world that anyone, dh or otherwise, should make you feel like this. I wish we could all come and help you leave him.. if you can summon the energy, please do anything you can to leave him, for your own sake in the long term, and for the sake of your dc. thinking of you xxx

Oh this is awful, Its like you have written my story down on paper.I have been through the same and it kept getting worse until my baby was 7 months old when he finally attacked me and I ran to the neighbours and called the police , It was the best thing Ive ever done.He hadnt even hurt me badly but I knew it was wrong. They have looked after me and given me advise over the last few weeks and now Im begining to be free. I still keep thinking I cant do it but I can. Ive written a list of all the bad and when ever I want him back I read it and it makes me stronger. But I couldnt do it without the police.
Find someone to help you and leave please please.
Mums net gave me the strength to keep going.Get a bag ready with money, car keys and a few bits for an emergency.
The BBC web site on Domestic abuse was agreat help too.
Im thinking of you.

Ring the hospital and find out where there is a mum and baby unit that takes women in danger you can make an excuse up to have to go in like sick baby or something , I know theres one near me but you would have to find your local one.

Fairylights, you are so right, I am absolutly exhausted, have been having problems for a while sleeping.

We've been bumping along. I simply don't know where my head is right now. I still ahve the shakes from the ad's, and am trying to avoid driving. The last week or so dh has been his 'normal' self, not his drunken arse persona. Highlight of the week has been that he has finally got a new job after being out of work since the 8th Jan. I'm hoping, (head out of sand) that this is the beginning of things getting better. small hopeful

I just don't know what to do. I have spent 2 yrs in the homeless system, before finally getting this house 22mths ago, and I am under no illusions about it. It is probably even worse now, as my local councils main b&b is out off order following last summers floods. In addition it is very close to where we live. the other option would be the ones in our nearest city, and I know most of those are seedy/grotty/not plesant. Do I sound snobby? I just don't know which is the lesser of the two evils. Several years (and I know it would be, I am only 50 miles from London) in the homeless system or staying at home for the time being, but always watchful and careful? I just don't know.

In the meantime I have a bag with essential paperwork in it hidden. everything else could be replaced, and tbh, if/when I went/go, I would do it when I had time to grab a few clothes and stuff and still have some running time, if I went that would be it. I don't know what the reaction would be if I did, and that scares me also, esp following Glazed threads. I do hope she is ok.

It is very sad that so many other's have/are sat wondering if things will kick off that night. But even as I read your messages, I wonder is it me? Did I really provoke him? is it because I did/siad xxx?Is it because I reacted to the things that were said? because I didn't react? because I didn't respond to frisky overtures because I'm so sick of being called a whore? Am I really so unreasonable/fat/stupid? It makes it even worse when friends say to me that he 'cracks them up' or that he is an old romantic and so on. makes me feel even more so useless and guilty for being so pants and for wanting to go.

I am so tired of holding myself together, trying to keep the turmoil and emotions held down. I just don't know what to do. And yet there's a good chunk of me laid bare here? I still couldn't find the words last Thurs at the counsellors. when she bought it up, it was all I could do to say I can't talk about it. Just the though of taking that night out of it's box and airing it...terrorifying. I have both dd's with me, ds is at nursery, and dd1 always gets distressed if she sees me become upset which makes it worse, and dd2 gets fractous [sp?]

Turmoil. Bloody turmoil. Am I the rabbit in the headlights?

The enraged gorilla thing just about says it all, smugcolditz.
No, you aren't a rabbit in the headlights, A&M. Rabbits act on instinct. You have choices, but you are making excuses for not making those choices. Once you decide to go, and one day you will decide to go, none of the things you have mentioned will stop you one bit. I just hope he doesn't do some kind of irreperable damage before you call time on him. When is enough enough? When he hits you, when he hits you with the baby, when he hits the baby, when he ....when?

A&M, how are you today? How are things?
Thinking of you. Do keep posting, we are here to listen even when you feel like you are going around in circles xxx

Stop making excuses for him and just leave. Please don't go back.

Sending you strength