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Original poster

Am I wrong for being angry at partner for not coming to my sisters funeral

75 replies

Popculturexix · 06/03/2024 17:54

My partner and I have been together for 3 years. He has 3 kids from a previous relationship.
my sister died two weeks ago at the age of 30, leaving behind my neice who is 9. I am truly devastated beyond words. She died from a blood clot travelling from her broken foot up to her lungs, which caused cardiac arrest and she was oxygen deprived for 40 mins which lead to her brain being starved and she was pronounced brain dead.
my partner and I don’t live together and I asked him to accompany me to the funeral and he said no because he is going with his ex to look at a new school for one of his kids. This seems to be a regular thing, when I was pregnant with his child, I had to attend a scan alone as he was with his kids mum yet again, only to learn my 20 week baby’s heart stopped at 18 weeks. He was with her when I called him and I had to tell him over the phone. Am I wrong for feeling like I don’t matter. I know a man has to put his kids first but surely there has to be abit of leeway for times like this?

OP posts:

NewDogOwner · 06/03/2024 20:22

It sounds like they are still together.

Dustydoilies · 06/03/2024 20:23

He’s a total weasel: dump

TinyYellow · 06/03/2024 20:32

His priority is his family and he’s using you as his excitement on the side. He’s an arsehole for allowing you to believe differently.

AyrshireTryer · 06/03/2024 20:34

He has told you twice where you stand on his list of priorities.
Believe him.
Walk away.

Lighteningstrikes · 06/03/2024 20:41

I’m so sorry for your sad loss 💐

I really hope you dump this utterly selfish man he really doesn’t love you let alone care for you.

Like someone else said, the school visit could so easily have been rearranged. There’s absolutely no excuse. I won’t even go into your other very sad loss.

I mean this kindly, but do you realise your bar is extremely low?

Try having more faith in yourself, and don’t ever let anyone treat you so appallingly again.

Weonlyhavealoanofit · 06/03/2024 20:42

Please accept my condolences on the death of your sister, this must be a very sad and distressing time for you and your family.
You started your message by saying that you’ve ‘ been together for 3 years’ ….I suspect that you haven't been together during this period with ANY of the ‘normal’ expectations which go hand in hand with a caring long term relationship. Your partner is acting like a partner to his ex wife, and that seems to be taking up all his emotional reserves, he failed you very badly with your baby, and he's failing you very badly in your grief over your sister’s death.
You have a lot to deal with now, give yourself some space away from your boyfriend, focus on your family and your sister’s family. They need your love and presence, your boyfriend has made himself very peripheral to your life and needs.
Try not to agonize about why he isn't this or that, why he didn't do the right thing and act as a supporting loving man, the excuses don’t really matter, his priorities lie elsewhere. He may have good reasons [in his head] as to why he can’t ’be there for you’, but it doesn't matter what the rationale is, it’s the impact on you that counts….because the legacy in the long term of his indifference will be very hard to accept. Resentment is a poison and you have a lot of reasons to resent this guy and he needs to be put on ice. When you hear a voice in your head saying ‘But I would never do this to him’…thats right, YOU wouldn't and most people are like you, and recognise that certain life events require certain responses. When you've had time to grieve for your sister, and come to terms with what has happened look for the people who treat you well and value your love and kindness. This guy is so emeshed in HIS life that he doesn't recognise your needs. It’s a form of invisibility and he is blind, [selfishness often causes emotional blindness] and you deserve much better.

xyz111 · 06/03/2024 21:02

You need to end this relationship. Been together 3 years, live in different towns. Doesn't care about your feelings. Doesn't sound anything positive. You can do so much better.

alianna · 06/03/2024 21:29

I’m so sorry for all your loss. I don’t think he deserves you. Obviously his kids have to be a priority but looking at a new school over your partners sisters funeral is not a priority. Seems like he is putting her before you. Wish you the best of luck 🩷

OrlandointheWilderness · 06/03/2024 21:49

I'm so sorry. You deserve far better than this pathetic individual. He absolutely should've been there - my DP and I have been together 3 years too and hell would freeze over before he let me go through that alone.
Plus yours is still into his ex.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 06/03/2024 21:52

So sorry for your loss and hope you are looking after yourself. I would dump this guy as he has never been there for you when you need him and has shown this a few times. Life would be easier without him and he has not respected you at all. Sorry for the pain of losing your baby and be kind to yourself. Dump his miserable ass as he will never be there for you when you need him. Life will be better without him.

saraclara · 06/03/2024 21:59

my family can’t get their heads around it and they don’t understand why I’m with such a careless peice of s..t

Listen to them. I'm normally the last person to react instantly with LTB, but I'm really shocked by his reaction to your sister's death.

You are never going to be anything other than bottom of his priorities, going by this incident. Please kick him to the kerb.

Iwantamarshmallowman · 06/03/2024 22:03

Are you sure she's an ex and not just his wife? A friend once received a nasty Facebook message from a woman telling her to hurry up and move out of her "exs" flat so she could move in with him. my friend wasnt an ex she was his wife.

SBHon · 06/03/2024 22:18

my family can’t get their heads around it and they don’t understand why I’m with such a careless peice of s..t
Why are you?

Starspangledrodeopony · 06/03/2024 22:23

Popculturexix · 06/03/2024 18:47

Somehow when I was a child I never dreamed of being in a relationship where I would come last and I know it’s right the kids come first but it doesn’t seem fair. Heys always with his ex and he even calls me by her name sometimes. I guess where he spends so much time with her. I used to feel quite jealous but the fact that he couldn’t even come to our baby’s scan speaks volumes. I always had a feeling when I was pregnant that our baby would come last. He didn’t even tell his kids or their mum I was pregnant.

Show quote history

Wow. He’s a terrible person. What an utter cunt. He’s still totally invested in his ex.

Deathbyfluffy · 06/03/2024 22:24

HippyCritical · 06/03/2024 18:14

I'm so sorry for your losses @Popculturexix

Are you sure this 'man' and his ex are actually apart because he's putting an awful lot of effort into her (and none into you, but you know that).

He's telling you how much priority he gives you. Please give yourself all the priority now and move on from this worthless waste of space.

I agree he should have been there for both the scan and the funeral, but putting effort in with his ex for his kid’s sake isn’t a bad thing.

MN is full of people complaining that their kid’s Dad doesn’t give a shit.

Catoo · 06/03/2024 22:35

I’m so sorry for your losses OP. Look to all the people have been there for you on both occasions. The people who love you and care. See more of those people.

You 100% now know this man doesn’t care about you. That’s really hard to accept but there’s no other explanation.

As for why he didn’t tell his wife you were pregnant. Several probable reasons. Top of the list maybe he thought it would ruin his chances of getting back with her.

In the bin with him OP.
Waste no more time.
That way you’re free to meet someone who will always put you first.

💐

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 06/03/2024 22:40

OP, I'm so sorry about the loss of your sister. Sadly, I speak from experience when I say that the coming months will be tough as you come to terms with your loss and grief. You need people around you that will hold you up when you need it. This man doesn't sound up to the job.

stormonasummerseve · 06/03/2024 22:45

Controversial opinion but I would not choose to have a relationship with a man who had numerous children again. Posts like this are why.

So sorry for your loss OP. For both of your losses.

As a PP said try to find strength from your lovely sister, would she be happy with you putting up with someone who put you last in the pecking order? No. So do it in her name! Leave that waste of space.

Screamingabdabz · 06/03/2024 22:52

Sounds like his ex isn’t actually his ex.

I’m so sorry on all counts op but if he’s not with you at your side in your darkest moments, he’s not a man worth bothering with.

keeptalkinghappytalk · 06/03/2024 22:55

This bloke? You know the answer, OP.

Your poor sister, poor niece, poor you it s a tragedy.

Scarletttulips · 06/03/2024 22:56

Stop making excuses for him.

Would you let a friend treat you like this? No? Then don’t accept less from a man.

Get rid.

determinedtomakethiswork · 06/03/2024 22:57

I am so sorry that you have suffered such terrible losses. I would never have been able to forgive him for not being there when you lost your baby. I also couldn't forgive him for refusing to be there at your sister's funeral. He just doesn't put you first at all does he? Time for him to go in the bin.

Noseybookworm · 06/03/2024 23:28

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister, far too young 😢 your partner should absolutely be there to support you at the funeral and the fact that he's not going to be would be enough for me to end the relationship. It doesn't sound like you come very high in his priorities. You are better off without him x

mondaytosunday · 06/03/2024 23:32

He needs to support his child, not his ex. Sorry you need to truly reconsider this relationship.

HippyCritical · 07/03/2024 11:46

Heys always with his ex and he even calls me by her name sometimes.

That is very likely deliberate @Popculturexix . It's all designed to make you feel shit, doubt yourself and be unhappy.

It doesn't need to be like that ...

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