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Original poster

Am I wrong for being angry at partner for not coming to my sisters funeral

75 replies

Popculturexix · 06/03/2024 17:54

My partner and I have been together for 3 years. He has 3 kids from a previous relationship.
my sister died two weeks ago at the age of 30, leaving behind my neice who is 9. I am truly devastated beyond words. She died from a blood clot travelling from her broken foot up to her lungs, which caused cardiac arrest and she was oxygen deprived for 40 mins which lead to her brain being starved and she was pronounced brain dead.
my partner and I don’t live together and I asked him to accompany me to the funeral and he said no because he is going with his ex to look at a new school for one of his kids. This seems to be a regular thing, when I was pregnant with his child, I had to attend a scan alone as he was with his kids mum yet again, only to learn my 20 week baby’s heart stopped at 18 weeks. He was with her when I called him and I had to tell him over the phone. Am I wrong for feeling like I don’t matter. I know a man has to put his kids first but surely there has to be abit of leeway for times like this?

OP posts:
AgnesX · 06/03/2024 18:19

So sorry for your loss, you must be devastated.

He should be there for you and he's not. Personally, I wouldn't be wasting any more of my time on him.

Scaffoldingisugly · 06/03/2024 18:19

Kindly saying op but he is back with his ex imo.. Sorry for the loss of your dc.. And your dsis.
You deserve a man who puts you first.

Original poster
Popculturexix · 06/03/2024 18:47

Olika · 06/03/2024 18:03

I am sorry for your loss. The way it sounds I think it's better you end this relationship as he will always put his kids first (which he should) but also him spending so much time co-parenting his kids means he doesn't really have time for you and to be there when you need him. Or you need to get used to being the last one in pecking order and be prepared to do lots of things by yourself.

Somehow when I was a child I never dreamed of being in a relationship where I would come last and I know it’s right the kids come first but it doesn’t seem fair. Heys always with his ex and he even calls me by her name sometimes. I guess where he spends so much time with her. I used to feel quite jealous but the fact that he couldn’t even come to our baby’s scan speaks volumes. I always had a feeling when I was pregnant that our baby would come last. He didn’t even tell his kids or their mum I was pregnant.

OP posts:
Indifferentchickenwings · 06/03/2024 18:53

I’m so so sorry for your loss xxxx

its crap and also now isn’t the time for any major extra drama . But yes not attending the funeral was callous

sprigatito · 06/03/2024 18:54

"The kids always come first" is a laudable principle that few would disagree with, but it doesn't mean you abandon your partner in a life-and-death situation because one of your kids needs their shoelaces tied. He's being ridiculous, manipulative and selfish. He isn't anywhere near good enough for you.

Emmylou22 · 06/03/2024 18:57

He's a piece of shit. For the scan and your sister's funeral he should have made other arrangements for the kids. This wouldn't mean him putting you before his kids (i.e. it's not like his kids had an emergency where he couldn't possibly leave them). I don't know you, but I KNOW you deserve better. You've been through so much. Sending you strength xx

savethatkitty · 06/03/2024 18:58

I'm so sorry about your losses.

This man is not a keeper. Get rid.

Bluepetergarden · 06/03/2024 18:58

I don’t think she’s an ex anymore

TheGoddessFreyja · 06/03/2024 18:59

Oh love 😞

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister.

3 years together and he couldn't go to her funeral is absolutely awful and unsympathetic behaviour. After you have taken time to grieve (I know you always will be but when the pain gets a little easier) I think you need to re-evaluate if this man is worth a space in your life.

I'm so sorry. Sending you a huge virtual hug 💐💗

TwylaSands · 06/03/2024 19:00

Such a tragic way to lose your sister.

your partner isnt worth a thought. You should have already left him. Essentially you are the other woman.

Needahandholdplease2023 · 06/03/2024 19:01

So sorry for your loss. You really see how much people care about you in grief. Don't waste any more time with this man. Bin him off and get someone who genuinely cares about you x

Katkins17 · 06/03/2024 19:01

I'm so sorry OP ... losing someone you love is horrendous enough, but not having someone who should be supportive, abandoning you like that is crap ...

I don't know how to say this without sounding heartless, but it won't get any better. If he truly feels that an appointment to see a school is more important than his partner of 3 years, sister's funeral....or to attend a baby scan with you, he's not worth your time or effort.

As hard as it might be, you need to put yourself first ... he's not worth your time, and your feeling are absolutely valid.

It will be difficult at the time, but when he's gone, I do think you'll remember so many other times he didn't support you and you'll realise it was the right thing to do.

I've been there, and the relief was amazing.

Good luck sweetheart...sending love x

Dacadactyl · 06/03/2024 19:02

This is a instant dumping offence. As was the previous incident at the scan.

And I am normally all for the kids from the first relationship coming first.

Changingplace · 06/03/2024 19:06

Popculturexix · 06/03/2024 18:05

I haven’t seen him since my sister died, we live in different towns. He keeps saying that he has issues down there with one of his kids misbehaving so he needs to be there to support his ex.
my family can’t get their heads around it and they don’t understand why I’m with such a careless peice of s..t

Show quote history

I’m so sorry about your sister, his behaviour is inexcusable.

I’d tell him to stay put permanently, just don’t bother seeing him again, he’s awful.

Onthemaintrunkline · 06/03/2024 19:07

If ever there was a time for him to be there in support, it’s now. I’m so sorry you are not only grieving your sister but handling his cruel in attention.
His priorities appear sadly, to be elsewhere. You could be forgiven for wondering if you actually have a partner. Shame on him, you deserve so, so much better, especially now.

Banditdog · 06/03/2024 19:28

You are right to think you don’t matter to him, you don’t. But you definitely do matter.

You are wasting your time, this man doesn’t give a damn about you. I relate to your story in a way as I also lost a sibling unexpectedly when they were in their 30s, I sometimes think people don’t understand how much of a loss this is. I cannot imagine a world in which my husband would not have been by my side at that time though.

diddl · 06/03/2024 19:57

What will it take for you to leave him?

cannaecookrisotto · 06/03/2024 20:01

I'm so sorry OP. What a horrible thing for you and your family to go through.

You need to dump this prick. He is not there for you when you need him. He doesn't have your back. Fuck him off.

Mementomorissons · 06/03/2024 20:07

That is really tragic about your sister. I think I would struggle to turn down a request to come.to a funeral in that situation whatever plans I already had.

Your main focus should be you, yours &your sister's family and your poor niece right now. I would bet you would be able to grieve better without him in your life for a while.

StrawberryWater · 06/03/2024 20:07

Sorry for your losses op.

It sounds like you’re the other woman. Are you sure he’s not back with his ex?

Either way please leave him, he’s a shit bag.

mrssunshinexxx · 06/03/2024 20:09

What a huge loss for you and her poor poor daughter.
Let go of this man.

Epidote · 06/03/2024 20:12

You are no wrong.

opentoadvice88 · 06/03/2024 20:16

So sorry for your loss OP.

He doesn’t sound like a real partner at all. He’s giving you crumbs and you deserve the whole cake x

TakeOnFlea · 06/03/2024 20:19

I honestly would just block the fucker. You don't owe him anything, he deserves ghosting.

So sorry for your loss

rightoguvnor · 06/03/2024 20:21

I'm so sorry for your loss, I've lost a sister very suddenly to something similar, it's going to be a long job recovering from this blow.

I think perhaps your family are right, and he is a useless piece of shit.

In the coming months you need to surround yourself with people who knew your sis, who mourn her loss too, who share your memories of her and in turn you'll need to be there for them, especially your poor niece. The useless piece of shit will not be one of those people.