Anyone married but now live separately ?

[Sophie2024]

For multiple long standing reasons , i have decided to move and live separately with my 3 children. But , remain married in a loving relationship , this feels odd and im flipping back and forth with my decision almost daily.

DH mental health and recent verbal abusive behaviour towards me has confirmed this is the right decision for me and our family , but when he has genuine remorse and sees this abuse and is kind , loving and respectful towards me on the whole how do i stay strong and stand by my decision ?

When the verbal attacks happen ( 3 since jan , multiple over the past few years) i have clarity and know this is the right thing to do , then after a week or so when hes rational and himself again im doubting myself. When its good its really good , but when its bad ( his mental health dips ) its really really bad. He isnt showing or making an efforts to get well and this is ongoing and i have spoken to him about seeing effort on his part to get better.

Does anyone live in different homes and still maintain a relationship or am i just hoping ? He is aware im activley looking for something local and actually said last night when i mentioned there was somewhere im going to see that he didnt want to talk about it as it upset him but he needs to respect my decision 😧

Thank you for reading

I dunno what the answer is, but I can wholly relate to your situation, OP. Like you, I swing backwards and forwards like a pendulum. I never seem to be able to find solid ground.

Ladies, thisnis the cycle of abuse. Abuse - show fake remorse - hoovering back. Don’t fall for it.

Interesting 🤔 so good to hear others opinions and points of view

I knew a married couple that lived separately. Still together, involved in each other’s lives, went on holiday together. Seemed to work for them.

And of course many, many long term couples prefer to live separately.

I think what will make it different for you is your DH poor mental health and how much leaving him to deal with that alone will weigh on your mind. I imagine that is going to be difficult for you but what you need to do for your children and yourself.

On the other hand when you aren’t living with the situation 24/7 and the stress is somewhat relieved you might find you are able to help him more than you have the bandwidth to do now

Feels like I'm being forced into a decision , that I haven't caused or forseen, I can't fix it and can't live my life waiting and hoping 😕 Hardest part is I absolutely adore him and such love for him , be easier if he was a dickhead all the time but he's not 🤯

Maybe if you do live separately and he knows it’s not a separation in the sense of your relationship ending, maybe it will help him focus on what he needs to do to heal his mental health.

I do feel for you. It’s a horrible situation for all of you, but you’re the one who has to decide what has to be done for the best and that must be very hard

Has he got diagnosed mental health problems? Or is it just assumed because he can't help but treat you that way?

I think if you move out it's likely that the cycle of abuse will continue. I don't think living separately is a death knoll per see but if this kind of issue exists it's more likely that that will be the problem still.

Stick to your guns. You know that because it keeps happening over and over and over, that it always will.

Stick to the plan and live separately, I think you'll soon discover you are better off without.. it's quite an eye opener! Week by week, month by month the distance between you will make you realise where the problems lay. Best of luck.

Nothing diagnosed no, that would take effort on his part , I've pushed him for counselling and he's reluctantly had 6 months of medication, which he stopped last Oct , restarted 4 weeks ago as advised by GP.

Not married but me and my dp have been together 12 years, two kids together and have lived separately since 2019. It's great I highly recommend it.

Yes, try it.

It’s very unusual for an abuser to be vile 24/7. They tend to behave as your husband does. You’re better off keeping well away from him.

Maybe it would help if you took a quiet moment to reflect on what your wishes, desires and demands are of a husband, and write them down.
Don't base them on your actual husband, just write down what you think are fair things to expect from a husband. The things your 20-year old self would have written down prior to meeting your husband.

Then, reflect on how many of these wishes and demands are being met by your husband. How many of these are open for compromise on your part? Or have you compromised enough already?

Then give your husband a timeline, with the expectation to show improvement on the areas in which he'd disappointing you. Give him 6 months. Maybe a year.
If after all that time he's made no effort to improve, then you know living apart is not going to be a long-term solution.

You've not chosen to live apart because that's just what works best for you both as partners. Living apart isn't a positive evolution for you. Living apart is how you cope with intolerable behaviour. The underlying problem isn't getting resolved and you're going to be stuck in limbo for the rest of your life, unless he actually starts working on his issues or you eventually decide to leave him.

Then give your husband a timeline, with the expectation to show improvement on the areas in which he'd disappointing you. Give him 6 months. Maybe a year.
If after all that time he's made no effort to improve, then you know living apart is not going to be a long-term solution.

Thank you , your post has given me another way to look at things so thank you X

Weirdly when i was talking to my counsellor last week i realised i have always needed his approval to do anything , holidays/new hoover whatever , and ive only just realised this now 22 years later 🙄

So i managed to have a healthy conversation with the now husband of the year and said yes its easy to decide enough is enough post verbal attack by atm things are great and im thinking what am i doing still wanting to move ? i said this directly to his face and it was soooo difficult as i literally didnt know what response i would get , But he said he understands i need to do what i feel is right, he knows his behaviour isnt acceptable and he will support my decision to buy somewhere nearby. WOW i am pleasantly surprised by his reaction as yes i feel like i still need his approval to buy another place ( it feels ingrained in me my to need his approval )

My mind is now calmer and i dont feel like im doing this behind his back which doesnt sit right with me

OP, I can relate entirely. I have seriously considered this as my DW mental health is becoming impossible to live with. No advice but absolute empathy

Trust yourself that you’ve made the right decision.
Should you be divorced though before you buy another property? I would suggest legal advice about financials.

That’s the reason so many women waste so many years with abusive men - there’s generally a bunch of good times in between the bad. They get more and more infrequent though, until you’re just grateful for the crumbs of affection

OP, I'm sorry. It doesn't sound like you are in a loving relationship. It sounds like an abusive one.

Your DH has regular violent outbursts causing you fear and anxiety. He chooses not to seek help. He sounds controlling.

Like a PP said, abusers are rarely abusive all the time. They are abusive, violent, then loving, making you feel like you are overreacti ng or even making things up.
Things are fine for a while, you plod along, then they blow up again.

Nothing loving about it. You will probably find very soon that life is better without him.

We do.

Happily married but we have our own homes. We have never lived together

Thank you for the concern but nobody don't want a divorce, house will be in my name solely x

Like a PP said, abusers are rarely abusive all the time. They are abusive, violent, then loving, making you feel like you are overreacti ng or even making things up.
Things are fine for a while, you plod along, then they blow up again.

The overacting is absolutely spot on when it's bad then it seems the right decision, then when its good I doubt my decision, BUT I need to almost remind myself it isn't normally like this and how I've felt post verbal attack which is truly broken

🙋‍♀️ me.
We are still married but also separated as our relationship just didn't maintain itself living apart. However, we have a much better relationship this way. He stays over sometimes for special occasions like Christmas and birthdays and we still holiday together as a family.

Eventually I would like to meet someone else so this situation won't be forever but whilst the children are little, it's ok. We get on much better now so I'm glad we separated, we are both nicer people without the expectations of a close, loving marriage upon us. That's not to say I don't feel sad about things sometimes and people like to remind me how unconventional we are, but people in seemingly healthy marriages have much bigger problems than we do.

I don't want to derail, but I'm interested in hearing more about this... Particularly, how do you present it to other people? Do others find it hard to get their heads around it? e.g. your family, families you mix with and who know your kids?

Edit - sorry, quoted wrong post - meant to tag @bingoringo4 who said she and partner are together and have kids but live apart.

I'm thinking telling kids we're not separating as a couple but will be living separately , others i guess just say we're not separating but will be living separately for multiple reasons. Perhaps if I use that nobody's gonna make me explain nor list them ? Dunno 😐 not got that far yet x

I'm interested in anyone's advice who has this living set up and how did you explain this to kids ?