Anyone married but now live separately ?

[Sophie2024]

For multiple long standing reasons , i have decided to move and live separately with my 3 children. But , remain married in a loving relationship , this feels odd and im flipping back and forth with my decision almost daily.

DH mental health and recent verbal abusive behaviour towards me has confirmed this is the right decision for me and our family , but when he has genuine remorse and sees this abuse and is kind , loving and respectful towards me on the whole how do i stay strong and stand by my decision ?

When the verbal attacks happen ( 3 since jan , multiple over the past few years) i have clarity and know this is the right thing to do , then after a week or so when hes rational and himself again im doubting myself. When its good its really good , but when its bad ( his mental health dips ) its really really bad. He isnt showing or making an efforts to get well and this is ongoing and i have spoken to him about seeing effort on his part to get better.

Does anyone live in different homes and still maintain a relationship or am i just hoping ? He is aware im activley looking for something local and actually said last night when i mentioned there was somewhere im going to see that he didnt want to talk about it as it upset him but he needs to respect my decision 😧

Thank you for reading

You and your children are living in an abusive home. Of course you need to leave if you have the means to do so, your children deserve somewhere safe to live.

I think you should end the relationship altogether, and I suspect you will when you realise how peaceful it is living without an abusive dickhead.

We are going down this route but we did separate (and I filed for divorce!) 6 months ago because it just became intolerable and we were miserable together (married 12years). We didn't speak for the first 2 months but have since decided to work together as coparents and now, a few months down the line, we are getting on so well, it's like having my best friend back, and just like it used to be before things went really really wrong - mostly down to a complete breakdown in communication. We have decided to take things very slowly but I have no intention of us living together again for a long time - if ever. I love having my own space, and time to myself when he has the dc, but then it's nice to do days out together as well. Best of both worlds.

My best friend is in the same position - broke up with her partner, then a few months down the line rekindled the relationship but still living separately and it's been 2/3years now. She's very happy with the set up.

Give it a go, and ignore what anyone thinks or says - this is your life not theirs and you gotta do what makes you happy.

You've not chosen to live apart because that's just what works best for you both as partners. Living apart isn't a positive evolution for you. Living apart is how you cope with intolerable behaviour. The underlying problem isn't getting resolved and you're going to be stuck in limbo for the rest of your life, unless he actually starts working on his issues or you eventually decide to leave him.

This

The only positives to your proposal is that your abuser will no longer be a permanent fixture in your home and him being elsewhere will hopefully make the transition to a divorce, easier.

I am in the exact same situation as yourself. Husband suffers with mental health problems due to an abusive upbringing and we have moments were he is horrible to me and our two children and then when it's all calm hes sorry and we have really amazing moments. But it's now got to the point where its destroyed our relationship. I was adamant I wanted to leave and separate for good and found a house to rent...now I'm so upset coz there are parts of him I'll miss so I am considering saying shall we live apart, give him a time frame to change and see how it goes. Hes going to start CBT therapy but I don't think we can be together until hes better. I know you posted 2 month ago but I just wondered if you'd made a decision and how it's going.

I recently came across this thread and being in a very similar situation I wondered how things were working out for the poster. I am in my second marriage (only been 3 years) and I feel it is not what I want anymore. My husband has changed this past year and is not the same man I married, but I do still love him, I just don’t love the person he has become. I don’t want to separate but I don’t want to live with him either and thought living apart but remaining married might be the best for us, it would give me my space and time with my children (from previous marriage) and also give him his space whilst still having commitment to each other.

There was a thread a little while ago where the OP had separated several years ago and got on with her life, work, bought herself a house etc, but just hadn't got round to divorcing. Now her husband had fallen on hard times and it seems she is in an extremely sticky situation financially re maintenance and the house being considered a marital asset. I can't remember all the details let alone the thread title, I'll never find it again.
But bear OP. Don't leave it too long to wrap up the legalities and draw a line. Failure to finalise divorce could come back and bite you further down the line.

That advice goes for @Highlandcoo5 and @Peanut0423 too.

Beware I meant. Not bear.

At this current time I don’t want to separate, I can just no longer live in the same house as him. It is affecting me and my children and I no longer want to feel like I am walking on eggshells never knowing what kind of mood he will be in. I am interested if staying together but living apart has worked for people and also the pros and cons of the situation.

@Highlandcoo5 I have just seen your comment and I had posted on to this in May regarding leaving my abusive relationship or just living seperate. I moved on in July so we have been in seperate houses for 6 month and it that time it's allowed me to see his true colours more and give me some closure. Since I've gone he's made no attempt to take accountability, to be remorseful or sorry or even attempt to fix what he broke. I now have to co parent and he continues to be an arse about stuff and now try to control things through or daughter. Since I left he's made no attempt to support me in any way and only talks about himself and how things have affected him. I was also financially abused whilst we were together. I went on maternity leave and then was forced to go back only 2 days a week. My wage virtually became nothing and I had nothing to live off. I was constantly told we had no money despite him being on a really healthy wage but he always managed to buy himself stuff and go out. Since leaving I had to argue for child maintenance but yet he's just bought a brand new car so he was clearly lying about money. It's as if now he's looked at what he's gained money wise and having time to himself rather than being upset he broke his family enough for them to move out. Its given me what I need to say we are done for good and I'll be looking at speaking to a solicitor in the new year. He's shown what we all meant and I won't give him a second more of my time. Me and my eldest also need counselling for what we've been through with him.