Colleague following me

[Namechange0803]

So, I have a work colleague who I think follows me at work - as in he may look at my schedule to see where I am. I often find him outside of rooms as I'm leaving them/getting out. If it makes sense. He doesn't make it look obvious but it's too common to be coincidental.

He also compliments me every time he sees me i.e. "you always look very nice". Today, a work friend said she liked my blouse, and then as soon as she left and we were alone he said: "See, exactly what I told you earlier" with a smile on his face.

I find that he tries so hard to engage in conversations and comes for a chat whenever I'm sitting alone. I'm shy and not talkative so I sometimes feel pressured to engage or think of things to say.

This has been going on for weeks now. He is lovely and polite. He asks about Dc which I think is caring.

Does he fancy me?

I agree about red flags.

Unless you want to go straight to your line manager, I'd suggest start making loud & breezy or pointed (depending on what your comfortable with)comments whenever you see him loitering outside,

'Oh, here you are AGAIN, Bob!'
'You again, Bob!'
'I put money on seeing you outside the door, Bob!'
'Always waiting for me, Bob!'
'Here to escort me to my desk Bob? Its like having a bodyguard!'

This will draw attention to what he's doing and might nip the problem in the bud.

Also, start logging every incident however mundane it feels in a private notebook so you have a log.

**I'm worried about telling him off as he could say he's just being polite and nice. With the 'stalking' he could also deny and claim it was all coincidental.

It's such a crappy situation to be in. If this was happening in a non-professional environment, I would ignore and not speak to him. And report him too.**

You would not be ‘telling him off’ - you would be calmly pointing out a personal boundary and expressing a preference.

Of course he will react and deny it - expect that - but also expect that now he is informed of your personal boundary he will cease his inappropriate and unprofessional behaviour.

Trust your gut - if anyone or anything makes you feel uncomfortable or confused or unsettled - pay close attention to it - this is your bodies smoke detector - withdraw - you don’t need to hang around politely to see the fire as you will get burnt.

Have you checked if he is following you into or out of work? Would he know your movements / car etc.

Have you locked down any social media?

I worked for a guy who was literally stalking his neighbour. I was told on the first day not to engage with him talking about her or indulge him in any way.

It's only looking back I realise how dangerous he was. It was a predominently male environment so my colleagues treated it as him being a bit daft.

Stop people pleasing, it's not good for you. Learn a quick getaway phrase, duck and weave and don't engage. He might like the chase but don't involve yourself with him at all.

Thank you all. I appreciate your posts.

I will try and frosty with him next time I see him so he gets the hint.

I am surprised at the posts here. Where did you see stalking behaviour here? I see a man trying to approach a woman he likes. Are we penalising flirting now? In the end there will be no men approaching us and we will be complaining “where have have all the men gone?”.

The OP states that she finds him attractive and calm which she likes. My understanding is that she is kind of scared of the possibility that there must be sth going on. OP, you mention you are shy and intimidated by the engagement in conversations with him. As many people mentioned you should work on your confidence and self esteem but not so that you tell him off. So, that you learn to engage with people and open up. I wouldn’t suggest telling him off. I would suggest to go and tell him to go for a coffee. Honestly, what’s wrong woth people/women? This is an attractive man showing interest in a single woman who is very shy and scared to accept it. Where did you see stalking? FGS.

@Rania78 What's wrong is that the OP doesn't like and doesn't want the attention from this man. She says she is not in a position to date. Even if she is shy and lacking in self confidence, she can still make decisions about her own life.

She is saying she finds him attractive. It’s more on her to work on her confidence issues and I am saying this with good intentions. This man has done nothing wrong to “tell him off”. If she doesn’t want to pursue sth with him then avoid kindly. However, I do think that she has to think deeply why she is doing it? Is she scared of a possibility of a relationship or is it that she doesn’t like him? I m afraid it’s the first one and I think that sometimes in order to grow we have to push our own boundaries.
OP, do some therapy and have the confidence to talk to him over a coffee and understand what he wants. He is not going to harm you in public. Then If you don’t want to pirsue anything have the confidence to cut it off kindly. At the end of the day he may not like you If you meet either and remain friends.

talk to him over a coffee and understand what he wants.

Don't do this OP.

How ridiculous - the OP knows what she wants - not to be followed repeatedly, not to be cornered when alone for chats repeatedly, not to have her clothes remarked on inappropriately repeatedly.

She doesn’t have to understand what HE wants.

She is clear what SHE wants.

He needs to be more sensitive and less intrusive otherwise he’s going to find himself having a chat with HR.

@Rania78 did you miss the bit where instead of getting on with his job, he hangs around outside meeting rooms where he knows she is because he must have looked up her whereabouts on the company scheduler?

If he was interested he could have simply asked her if she would like to go out for a coffee and chat one lunch time. Not spring up all over work making comments about her clothing etc.

Have the confidence to ask what he wants. Plus I really doubt he would hang around outside every meeting room she is at. Maybe a few bcs he is trying to bump onto her. Also, I don’t think one can see your calendar unless you make it public to them? And comments on clothing? Has he made any hideous comments? I don’t think so. Just compliments.

All the OP needs to do is pay close attention to how his repeated unwanted and unwelcomed behaviour makes her feel.

Please RTWT properly. I didn’t say every meeting and neither did OP. Just enough to make it more than a coincidence and to make her feel uncomfortable.

OP has explained about the calendar. He can see it. That’s how he finds out where she is. That’s not romantic. It’s stalking. He doesn’t need to try and bump into OP. He works in the same company and could just ask her out next time he sees her.

Nobody said hideous comments. Read what OP said about the blouse situation.

If you fancied him or was interested in him, I think you'd know by now. I also don't think you'd have to post here about it - it would be a simpler case of just two people, drawn to each other, enjoying each other's company, but it's not.

@Rania78 I think you've picked up on the ops ambivalence about the attention she's been receiving but she has said: 'Not intimated as such but I just don't like the effort I have to make to engage in conversations.I also feel he's too interested in me and I'm starting to not be myself around him.'

The situation is making her uncomfortable and people are suggesting responses which might improve this.