Colleague following me

[Namechange0803]

So, I have a work colleague who I think follows me at work - as in he may look at my schedule to see where I am. I often find him outside of rooms as I'm leaving them/getting out. If it makes sense. He doesn't make it look obvious but it's too common to be coincidental.

He also compliments me every time he sees me i.e. "you always look very nice". Today, a work friend said she liked my blouse, and then as soon as she left and we were alone he said: "See, exactly what I told you earlier" with a smile on his face.

I find that he tries so hard to engage in conversations and comes for a chat whenever I'm sitting alone. I'm shy and not talkative so I sometimes feel pressured to engage or think of things to say.

This has been going on for weeks now. He is lovely and polite. He asks about Dc which I think is caring.

Does he fancy me?

He often happens to be where I am. The organisation is pretty big and includes various units that are within walking distance of one another.

I don't know, it could be innocent.

I will see how long this will go on for and will decide whether reporting him would be appropriate. He has a good reputation at work and is greatly valued by people that work directly with him.

It's not a calendar as such. It's more like a schedule that is visible to everyone in the organisation. They'd just search my name in the system and find out where I am.

Honestly I would keep note of any incident when he is hanging outside meeting rooms etc. Also I would be telling him that anytime he comments on your top etc that it is in appropriate in an the work place.

Often women are expected to accept this behaviour in good faith as "this could be your future spouse". Set boundaries and do not be afraid to go to HR. This is starting to be stalker behaviour. Does not matter if he seems to be a good guy.

It’s really easy to shoo away people like this. Say something like ‘Oh I like your shirt’… reminds me of the one MY BOYFRIEND put on this morning!’

People are multi-faceted. He might be great at his job, others may like him but he still might be an absolute pest towards women. Not all the women he works with of course, but he will have previous form for doing this. It’s a creepy pattern of behaviour.

Could be being friendly could be a stalker I would ask him to stop

Even if you like the attention which I would find odd it does not seem appropriate, but calmly talk to him if it continues report it

Can you do a few courses in self esteem, self confidence and assertive speaking? Being so 'timid, reserved' and people pleasing is no good, especially since you have a kid who'll you'll need to be a strong advocate and example for.

This would be useful. It sounds like I really need to work on my self-esteem.

I'm worried about telling him off as he could say he's just being polite and nice. With the 'stalking' he could also deny and claim it was all coincidental. I've not actually seen him check my schedule, so I can't say for definite.

It's such a crappy situation to be in. If this was happening in a non-professional environment, I would ignore and not speak to him. And report him too.

Yes all this 🚩🚩🚩s all over the place and the tone of your feelings about his presence is that you feel stalked (rather than, “ooo this handsome man at work keeps popping up and telling me how nice I look - do you think he likes me?! 😍”).

Also you mention he asks about DC, presume he knows you’re a single parent? I’d feel uneasy that he was targeting you because he thinks you’re in some way vulnerable… Presume you don’t directly work together, so he has to go out of his way to have this contact with you.

A decent man who liked you might try and cross paths a couple of times and then ask you for a coffee at lunchtime or something. Not just keep popping up and say things like “see I was right” when someone else compliments you. 🤮 and also 🚩

Just trust your gut and avoid (or say he is making you feel uncomfortable, or report to a manager if it continues). At the very least he’s got no idea how to behave appropriately. No thanks v much!

I think you can politely tell him that his comments on your clothes and appearance aren't appropriate in the workplace. You could say something like - I know you're just being friendly but your comments on my appearance are making me uncomfortable, can you please not do that?

Hopefully he will get the message and back off. If not then it might be time to have a conversation with HR.

That’s why he has targeted you.

Could you put some decoy meetings in your diary to throw him off or catch him out?

What does his diary look like?

If you don't feel able to say anything directly about it you have to change your behaviour when it happens.

some entitled men think that they have a right to your time, attention, conversation when they compliment you and unfortunately those of us who are polite people pleasers encourage them when we smile, thank them, give them our time, listen to their stories etc because we don't want people to think we're rude or big headed or whatever.
Those men can then genuinely say 'well she always seemed happy to take a compliment' 'she never made any indication she didn't like it' - some men feel entitled to your time just because they want it, they can't see what they're doing makes someone uncomfortable. They have no insight or emotional intelligence.

you are going to have to go against your people pleasing instincts and just be cold. Yes he will think you are not nice and that's ok.
Don't thank him or smile when he says anything about your appearance. Don't stop, be in a hurry, say hi and keep moving, look at your phone, position your body away from him.

it may make him uncomfortable and that's ok too. His discomfort is not more important than yours.

It doesn't matter if he fancied you or wants to be pals. He shouldn't be looking up where you are and following you. That's a violation. Is there any way hr or IT could check if he's doing that ?

I wouldn't be comfortable with this but I'd also want to be sure before I said anything to anyone else.

Could you say "you always seem to be just where I am, are you following me?"

Listen to your gut OP. Red flags all around! The very title of this thread suggests you feel uncomfortable with his behaviour (ie instead of ‘does he fancy me?’) and you need to heed that. For your DC as well as for you.

Read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It highlights the subtle clues we pick up as survival signals but often discard due to the need to feel we are being polite.

I say this because about 20 years ago my school friend aged 18 phoned her grandparents to say she wanted to leave her boyfriend because his behaviour made her uncomfortable. The next day she was dead with 17 stab wounds. This kind of behaviour can be dangerous.

You have already felt he is in close proximity at too many times to really be a coincidence and seems to be targeting you precisely because you are a people pleaser and are not resisting his advances. Asking after your DC may be mining for further info on your vulnerabilities. Please take steps before this escalates.

I would start commenting to colleagues how odd it seems he is always right where you are.

I would also quietly log it daily on your phone where he has been and when as if you have a company schedule as you say, HR could always check back against your log to see where HE was meant to be.

I would also have a quiet word with HR that you don’t want to report it as such but just log it in case it escalates as it is making you feel uncomfortable. You shouldn’t have to feel like this at work.

Definitely be very ‘busy’ and evasive at the least when you see him so he gets the message his advances are not wanted. Read the above book. This man might just be clueless about how his behaviour makes you feel but this is potentially a situation where being rude can save your life.

And definitely look into assertiveness training for this and future situations.

His attention may be flattering but as a PP said rightly if you enter a friendship with him it is likely he will stalk you if that friendship dissolves or doesn’t escalate to the relationship he is likely after.

Keep us posted OP.

stay in your main working area for a week, then if he keeps turning up you’ll know.

someone being in the same place as you in a building he works in could seriously be coincidental and imagine the consequences for both parties if it was just coincidental

What? Don't normalise workplace creepiness and a colleague taking advantage of being in a captive environment of the workplace and getting to check a person's whereabouts from their calendar.

the OP doesn't have to put up with someone at work being stalkerish, appearing outside meeting rooms and paying her unwelcome attention.

if it's consensual, and a naturally evolving relationship, that's an entirely different matter.

Send him an brief email if you can’t face doing it verbally.

I would keep a log of each time you believe he has been in your space and all of the times he has commented on your clothes and then if he does it again after your email - go to HR.

Does he know where you live? Does he know what time you leave work / what car you drive etc?

What @OrangeRhymesWith said.

Reset your behaviour first and log each time he is just 'there' etc. Try and leave a room either head in your phone or talking to a colleague and don't even acknowledge him. When he compliments you just look blank and turn away or if you feel confident say 'please don't comment on my appearance it makes me uncomfortable'. Do this for a couple of weeks and if it doesn't change think about speaking to a line manager.

I think the problem is that if you just go to HR then he'll just deny it, you'll be possibly made out to be being silly etc. Trust your gut, from what you've said he is being very strange but HR will want evidence.

There's a particular kind of man who seeks out timid, people pleasing women because they are easier to control.

Your gut is telling you he's a wrong'un. Listen to it.

Hmmm, first of all he definitely likes you. If you fancy him I think I would give it a go. It seems to me like you are very shy and kind of feel a bit intimidated/pressure by his directness.
However, If we do not push our boundaries we do not grow. So, give it a go and If you like him give time to yourself to adjust. Love and romance gives us life.

I agree. Also what @OrangeRhymesWith said.
If this man is looking at your calendar so he can engineer bumping into you he's effectively stalking you at work.

You said "I'm a people pleaser so I just go along with the conversations. I should really be more firm". Yes you should. He's making you uncomfortable and you don't owe him polite conversation that rewards him for following you around. "People pleaser" means you're not assertive enough to stand up for yourself and it isn't good. It lets people take advantage of you.

Practice being a bit frosty so you don't encourage him. Don't smile and participate in conversation. Give short answers, walk away as you reply, avoid making eye contact, frown. If he makes a clumsy unwanted compliment, frown, say "hm" and walk away. If he's blatant with engineering being in the same place as you, say "are you following me around, George?" and be serious, don't make it a joke. If you're chilly enough - you don't have to be rude - he'll stop, because pestering you no longer makes him feel good.

I am also concerned that he is asking about your children.

Put him on an information diet.

Stop being polite to someone who is riding roughshod over your boundaries. He can sense that you are uncomfortable even if you give him the people pleaser rictus grin. But he doesn’t care - he feels entitled.

Don't even think that friendship is possible with this type.

Practice chilly, resting bitch face, vague dismissive answers.

Don’t thank him for any compliments.

Tell him you are busy and need to get on etc.

If this doesn’t work you will need to be direct - either in writing to verbally as PP have said above. If he persists go to HR.

I would expect him to huff and be rude when you rebuff - either make sure you have a witness if possible, report that to HR or tolerate the rudeness as a one off but document it in case other behaviours follow.

As PP have said, your instincts are telling you that this is off. Listen to them.

Men don’t stalk women to become their friends so don’t try and make him one FFS.

Absolutely grey rock this man from now on. No smiling or lingering, one word answers like ‘fine’ ’ok’. Log the incidents date and time. If this does go further HR can then cross check if he should have been in that area or not. Consider going to HR for advice without naming him first.

Take some classes that help build confidence. Only you can change your behaviours and you need to become more assertive for your sake and for your DC.

Also he asks about DC because all parents find it hard to resist talking about their kids. It’s a way to get you chatting. Don’t be manipulated if he’s making you feel uncomfortable. Next time he says ‘is little Jonny over his cold?’ you say ‘oh yeah. Have to get back to that spreadsheet’

I feel like you aren't really sure if he's a kind slightly socially awkward man who is genuinely interested in you or a creepy stalker looking for his next victim. As others have said you don't really seem to enjoy your interactions and your gut seems to be going for stalker so maybe have a chat with HR/your manager about how you can deal with the situation. Maybe you could start an assertiveness course and use him to practice your skills on. Good luck!

Say it to him OP

I am old now and would, nowadays, say exactly what I thought.
Back when younger, though, I kept my mouth buttoned
Do I regret that ? Hell Yeah.

PS I agree with PPs in that he sounds stalker like

Does he not have his own work to do instead of loitering outside meetings you are attending?