should I ignore message about family member dying when nc with family

[Splendidkoala]

Not sure what to do. Haven’t heard from anyone in years.

Feel judged whatever I do. Also don’t know if I should send anything like flowers or do anything. Just feels very awkward. Feel bad all round really.

Have you not heard from them but tried to contact them? Did you choose nc? Sorry for your loss, I’d send flowers/a card or do more if I want more contact eg go to funeral etc

Were you NC with that particular person or were they just caught up in the crossfire of going NC with the family?

I think they did the right thing to let you know, and it's up to you what you do with the information. If you want to remain NC, you can still send flowers. If you want more contact, it's an opportunity to build bridges. Look at how you felt when you heard the news x

I don't think I'd acknowledge it. If I was NC with family (and I am with Dsis) then I have to be honest - if her DH ever sends me a card to say she has died I'm not hypocritical enough to send flowers or a 'Sympathy' card.

I know that sounds harsh but I'm NC for very good reasons and I don't miss her in my life at all. I won't miss her when she dies. He can judge me how he likes.

I’m half expecting this one day. I won’t respond because they would all feed over the words like vultures.

What do you think would be best for you? No doubt you had very good reason to go NC, maybe consider that as well.

Sounds very difficult.

What is your relationship with the person who is dying, why are you nc, how did you hear about this.

Flowers could be sent anonymously

Hugs. Tricky. I have had similar and I am VLC with mine.

Did you like the deceased? Do you feel you want to mark their passing?

Do whatever makes you feel OK. Lots of people will have opinions on the right/wrong course of action. But at the end of the day only you understand your family dynamic and how even simply receiving that message made you feel. There is no right or wrong path here.

Your first concern should be for yourself, not about whether you will be judged. I assume you went NC for a good reason, so you need to be absolutely sure before breaking that.

If you really want to see them or attend the funeral / send flowers then do it to make yourself feel better, not to appease abusive relatives.

Do they know that you know? Not that that should make a difference as to what you do.

Depends entirely on the context of what happened and how you feel about it.
If it was abuse then totally your choice and don’t feel bad whatever you decide.
If something more run of the mill then death is bigger than a past fall out.

Is there someone else who could reply on your behalf?

Will the death of this family member make it easier or harder to maintain NC?

Depending on the answer to that, I would either remain out of touch, or send a message wishing the family peace at this difficult time. You might wish to request that they keep you informed in due course.
I wouldn't send flowers.

If the person dying is the reason you are NC with family I would stay away. Depending on circumstances around the NC they could cause you a whole load more pain before they die. If they are a collateral damage person you have lost contact with I would still be cautious as the real trouble makers could use the situation to hurt you further. You are NC, so you need to do what’s best for your own mental health, and not necessarily what you think might be expected of you.

There’s zero right answer here. You can only do what’s right to you.

For me, I just replied “thank you for letting me know.” Didn’t hear any more.

I wasn’t nc with this person but I never heard from them after my parents cut me off about 5 years ago and the rest of the family seemed to follow whatever they said .

Things hadn’t really been good for a long time and it was a relief for me. I was the family scapegoat and finally stood up for myself and said I would speak out about what they do to me so was quickly cut off and they said some nasty things to whoever would listen to ensure I wasn’t believed, eventually things that were said got back to me as I lived somewhere where everyone knows each other. I moved out the area due to the whole thing.

the family member who is dying did nothing wrong and I feel awful about the whole situation. but I don’t ever want to see my family again tbh.

In that case, I would ignore the message.

Mm, maybe don't send flowers then....a message as someone above said in response to the one you got about their death "I'm sorry to hear the news' etc. My ex's family are NC with me (because I left him) but I imagine some are just doing it because everyone else did / they feel a bit awkward about it. It sounds like you've been through enough and if you're happier being NC, leave it like that, unless there are specific people you'd like to reconnect with. Good luck with it all

Very difficult to advise without knowing why you are NC with your family and what your relationship is with the dying person

I don't think it is hypocritical to respond and express sympathy even if you have no intention of restarting contact

It is probably worth thinking about how you will feel if this person dies without you seeing them again and whether you might want to attend their funeral or not as that might guide your actions now

Is there anything you’d like to say to the person dying? Could be that you’d like to express regret for the fact that the conflict within the family caused estrangement between you and them too? Could be anything you’d like to thank them for even if it’s going back decades to childhood memories or something similar. Could just be nice memories with them that you’d like to bring up. If you don’t want to visit then you could write it down and send it as a letter. Or write it down and burn it and imagine your relative receiving it - that sounds silly maybe, but if they are not in good enough health to be able to take in what you want to say, or if you know a letter would be intercepted or ruined by the family members you have chosen to go NC with, then writing the letter and burning it might feel cathartic.

I do not know why you are no contact.

But do you think it is true? Many a narcissist will die several times over for your emotional attention.

Take care not to get sucked in.

Is there a charity that has been named to donate to instead?

Who let you know? Was it someone you are in contact with?

Do you think it may be a way to draw you back in again?

Honestly, I think this person made their choice when they decided to go NC with you because your parents did. I wouldn't feel any obligation to do anything with this information based on what you've said.

I am NC with my dad.

Two different people have told me he's at deaths door. Imagine my shock when I spotted him in a Lidl 20 miles from my home... 🫠🫠🫠