should I ignore message about family member dying when nc with family

[Splendidkoala]

Not sure what to do. Haven’t heard from anyone in years.

Feel judged whatever I do. Also don’t know if I should send anything like flowers or do anything. Just feels very awkward. Feel bad all round really.

You don't need to see your family, if you have fond memories of the relative write to them like pp suggests and maybe have a little service yourself to say goodbye. If the person who told you is reasonably pleasant could you just reply thanks for letting me know, you don't need to get into a conversation. Do you know where the relative is.

Don't respond. You'll just get sucked back into shit you've done well to leave behind.

I responded to a very similar message and even travelled for the funeral. One slightly traumatic weekend later I'd been firmly reminded of all the reasons I was NC with my family in the first place.

I appreciate the advice. Just feel awful about the situation but definitely don’t want to end up being back in contact with anyone. @gannett i imagine if I saw them that’s what would happen to me.

Do what's right for you, I didn't go to a close relatives wake after the funeral because of a toxic sibling, you need to look after your own mental and physical health. We all go non or low contact for a reason.

My mother told me my step-mother was palliative. My mother is a nasty piece of work and I'm as low contact with her as possible. Step-mother is ill but nowhere near as bad as mother made out. I think it was a ploy to make me engage with her.

If you're NC, stay NC.

Do you know where they are? Hospital/ nursing home/ hospice? Could you contact them via there?

@scoopoftheday / glad you can laugh at it. These people can die so many times and it's always always your fault

I would stay no contact.

After all I assume this person also decided that they did not want to stay in touch with you after your parents cut you off. They made their choice.

It is best to carry on with your life rather than risking being back into a toxic environment.

@Splendidkoala

I agree with @TheLurpackYears post,
this would be a good alternative way of finding out about passing on a letter to show dying relative you care about them,
and you could if you want to arrange to see them via caring nursing home or hospital ect.

I've been in the same position and had the same feelings as you. Remember that you went no contact for good reasons - unless you really want to reconnect you should remain that way for your own wellbeing. I wish you every happiness x

I wouldn’t make any contact. This person chose a side as they didn’t contact you. Don’t feel bad.

Concentrate on your own life and don’t let them unsettle you.

I would also respond..thank you for letting me know as from pp. the individual is deceased so your flowers/card/attendance at funeral is for the living. Alternatives are…praying for them if this aligns with your faith…having a mass or religious service said in their name (again as above) or donating to a charity you or they support. Personally I would not go back around people I had been nc with .

As someone who was in a similar situation, just reply with a gracious " Thank you for letting me know".

Only you can know what feels right for you. If you want to visit the dying relative, you should go. If you feel that you just want to remember that person in your own way when the time comes, you could light a candle or plant a tree in their name. Trust your own instincts. You've done really well to cut contact with the damaging people in your life. I'm so sorry that your parents treated you so badly 💐

I didn't acknowledge the email from my sister about my mother. I'm NC with both of them. She then contacted my partner at work because she was "worried" that I hadn't responded. I have been NC for over 20 years so I don't know what she was expecting.

The curiosity and guilt wore off relatively quickly.

Completely agree with this. I'm NC with Sister and mother for very very good reasons. I doubt either one would notify of death if one or the other passed but it would certainly get back to me very quickly (small town, lots of mutual friends/contacts). I wouldn't respond and don't give a damn what anyone else thinks about that.

Thanks for all the advice it has been very helpful. I have decided to leave it. I believe it to be true but I don’t think I can do anything that would actually help anyone including myself. I don’t have any location so can’t send anything.

Take care of you 💐

I would just respond, " Thank you for letting me know" and then leave it at that.

You're never going to see these people again. You can remember the sick relative in your own private way. Don't let them get inside your head.

I wouldn't involve myself. You say they did nothing wrong 5 years ago- they chose to go NC with you because of your parents, and stopped all relations with you. This isn't anything to do with you, because that's how they chose it 5 years ago

I would respond, otherwise I would regret but that’s me. I would only respond to this person or their close relative and would refuse any sort of contact with anyone else.
If you didn’t quarrel directly with them I would give them a chance. Tbh I would give a small chance even if you quarrelled directly.

Have you expected this person to be involved in your life and stay in touch if you’d stayed in contact with your parents? your quarrel with parents could have been one of factors why you were not in contact but not the only one, sometimes people do drift away.

If its the nc person thats dying but you get on ok woth the others in the group

And the others have let you know.
Maybe a simple reply

Thank you for letting me know it must have been difficult for you under the circumstance. Thoughts to you all at this difficult

Send flowers to the dying person in this instance. You dont have to engage with the others if you wish to remain. Non contact.

Itll be nice for the dying person
Just add a card saying "thinking of you "