Dad's who regret discarding their children for a new woman

[hellotulips]

'Discarding' may be a bit harsh, but I often wonder if my ex husband has any regrets that he's missed out on so many events in our kid's lives over the last 8 years, since he left the family to be with his 2 month affair partner.
He still sees our adults kids (maybe for a few hours a month) and they love him, but as a mother, I could NEVER begin to imagine just jumping ship and leaving my kids to live a new life.
Just to add, I am totally over my husband and not bitter. I simply wonder how men seem to find this change so easy, despite hurting their children?
Anyone with any stories?

Did your ex leave his children or just you? If he's a good dad, he didn't 'leave his children'. People who stay in relationships just for the children aren't doing them any favours

He moved abroad, so left us all.

Your kids were lucky to have you as a constant.

He must have made his choices for reasons only known to him. It's good to hear that his kids love him still. You've raised considerate children.

Probably best not to wonder about stuff you'll never know the answers to. If you're not bitter now you'll end up being so, wondering why his choices were so different to yours.

Easy said then done I know, but that way madness lies...

So he didn't just leave you, he left the country despite having children!
Presumably he chose to move country of his own volition.
With this in mind, I'm doubt he has many regrets.

Has he gone on to have another family?

well my dad left my mum with three children when she was only 24 and buggered off with his affair partner. Your lucky if we saw him once a year when he decided to turn up without warning. I went NC with him when i was 18 and didn't see him again for 25yrs. He met my children once and has never been involved with my life. He lost a lot he had 7 children all girls, desperate for a boy. My sisters and I all had loads of boys and he had no relationship. Was never grandfather and I know in his old age he expressed regret but never to me or my sisters. Never reached out at all. I am surprised your children have a relationship as that must have been tough for them and you.

Good dads will make the effort and forge a relationship anyway.

For those who don't, I suspect any regret correlates to how much impact it has on their lives. Many men like that don't regret it at all. Out of sight, out of mind. Sometimes they regret it when they're old and lonely and there's no one left to give a shit, but not always.

Then that is crap, I'm sorry. At least your children know they can depend on you

It's breathtaking just how selfish and callous some parents - usually dads - can be, and it defies all logic of decency and family love.

It's perfectly possible to remain a good, loving, present dad to your kids, even if your relationship with their mother has broken down; these people just put themselves first, second, third and last in their own lives.

I wonder how many people there are out there who eventually find themselves old, alone and friendless, completely oblivious as to how their nasty selfish actions and choices throughout their lives might have made them the lonely bed that they now lie in.

Yes, there is a certain kind of man who sees his children as something that came with/belong to his ex wife/partner - and now he no longer wants her for anything that makes his life nicer, it simply wouldn't occur to him to care about the 'old' children either.

It's as if those people - his own flesh and blood - have the equivalent worth as an old Valentine's card that he gave to somebody he once loved but now hates/despises/has found a replacement for.

I don't think a high proportion of men have any regrets about it. They are born and reared to be the centre of attention and it isn't that unusual for them to resent or be jealous of their own children. They put themselves first and foremost in most things. They also have completely different emotions towards their children. As women, we see our children as an extention of our own bodies. We grew them inside of us and risked death giving birth to them. We have been biologically selected and psychologically conditioned to go through this process and for most women it is the single most important thing of their very existence. Absolutely none of this applies to men. They can easily detach when something they consider better or more pleasing comes along.

My dad left me when I was 18 months old. I found him when I was 22 years old, and he painted himself as a victim, being "refused" to have access to me.

It later came out that he took my mum to court over maintenance and was ordered to pay just 50p a week for me. He drove around in a Jag and had his own business, while my mum was trying to make ends meet by doing night shifts at the hospital.

He seemed to think it was too much trouble to drive 35 minutes up the road to spend time with me, so chose to cut me out.

Meanwhile my mum's first husband, (wonderful man) got buses and trains to see his 3 kids every weekend without fail (my older bros and sisters) because he didn't drive at the time.

My dad said to him "I don't know how you do it" and my mum's first ex husband said "I do it because I love my children".

Some men just want control. And when they can't have it, they will destroy even their own children or palm then off for someone else to bring up.

My dad. He's bitter, lonely, angry at the world.

He'll never even meet his grandkids and I know he'll be telling everyone in his village how hard-done-by he is, but he's only got his selfish self to blame.

Men like that love to blame the people (women) they've wronged. He blamed my mum for every random thing after they split. Then I grew older and he started blaming me for stuff and I internalised that for a while, then one day I thought, wtf. I'm his daughter, not his mum or wife or sister. I owe him nothing!

Around the time I was about to get married, he lost his main client (he works freelance) around the same time when he got a sudden bill for a house related problem. I got blamed because 8 years previously he gave me an amount of money towards a second hand car, so I was the reason he was broke. Nb he'd never paid child maintenance when I was little in spite of a court order. Never had any custody, nothing. Just helped me buy a car when I was 21. Got the hump when I didn't want him to walk me down the aisle, and demanded I pay him back for the car deposit from many years before.

I paid him back the money and never spoke to him again. I'd bet that same money he regrets it all the time. He's heard down the grapevine that I have kids now and rages (I know this through an old family friend).

My ex also moved abroad .
It’s been hard to explain to them why he made that choice .
I’ve done my best to make sure the children have a good relationship with him and he contacts them regularly .
They know he loves them but I know he feels guilty and has missed them to the point of impacting on his mental health .

I think my Dad is finally realising now he's in his 60s how badly he's fucked up all his family connections. He had a succession of affairs while we were kids (including with my Mums sister) which we didn't find out about until Mum finally split up with him after one too many affairs. He them promptly decided to spend the next 10 years abroad for 9 months in every 12, dropping himself into mine or my brothers lives for a month at a time whenever it suited him. (He smartly leant us a bunch of cash when we each bought houses, so that we couldn't really tell him he couldn't stay with us)

He now lives in my city, and I see him once or twice a month for a few pints or a walk. DP dislikes him hugely but makes nice for my sake, and DD visibly dreads spending time with him. She's a surly teenager at the best of times at the moment, but it's so much worse with him. I've asked her why and she said "It's just so obvious none of you trust him or like him"

Things are better with my brother I think, but its a long way from the hero worship, he used to feel for him. His kids are a lot younger too, so don't really pick up on any awkwardness. DBs wife absolutely hates him though (stems from the fact that he just dropped in on their honeymoon for a week, because he happened to be in the same country)

His relationship with his sister was also fairly damaged when he split up with my Mum, because they'd become very good friends over the years

He's desperately trying to make up for it now, because I think he's finding himself lonely, but honestly we just don't want to spend that much time with him. We've got busy lives, and have done without him for best part of 20 years, so its hard to start slotting time in for him now. And I think we all still feel the "Why won't he just fuck off" from when he'd still be taking up our spare bed 4 weeks after he'd shown up.

He doesn't feel like a father to me, more like a mate from school or uni who turned out to be a bit of a dick, but you still make time for occasionally out of loyalty. I can go for a pint and have a good chat and a bit of a laugh, but I'd never feel able to tell him if me and DP were going through some problems, or if I was having a crisis at work or something.

Funnily enough, my adult daughter referred to her father as 'a dick who has done dick things'. She loves him but has zero respect for him.
I feel sad that our kids think of him like this and look at their friends dads who are always around to help them out and be their hero!

I’ve known a few divorced dads stay close to their kids and in the 18th year move. It was like they were waiting for the date and then freedom. Even tho the kids still need a base when home from uni. But those are the good ones. Countless others have moved away to be with new partners with barely a backward glance.

I've no idea if my ex of 7 years has regrets but he should!

Our three lovely late teen children have been antagonised by his and his wife's actions only one will visit their home and he rarely makes the effort to see them.

He's now about to move abroad and I expect what left of any sort of relationship will fizzle out... which is very sad do the kids, and I hope gives him some pause, but his actions suggest otherwise.

Honestly, I doubt it. Because a father worried about missing out on these things wouldn't discard his children just because he left their mother for another woman. He'd redouble his efforts to make sure he didn't miss out. The type of man who trots off into the sunset without a backward glance is the type to make a new family with his new partners children or their joint children, and tell himself it was your fault he lost touch with his first family.

My ex told me at 9 months pregnant he was sure about me. We wallowed along for two more years and he made my life hell for seven after it was finished. He has no contact at all with my dd , sent her a crappy sun stained card on her 18th birthday and nothing since. He tells everyone it was me that stopped him seeing his dd, but I think lots of men have to tell that story so they don’t look like deadbeat dad.

just to add he spits fury at everyone he has never been a father - yet he has always known our number and address and we still speak to some of his family. I don’t think he has any regret except for how it makes him look to others, but that is the narcissist coming out !

I really do put this down to nature. You see it in most animals. The male comes along and impregnates the female and then either has zero to do with helping raise the young or he leaves to reproduce else where.

A lot of these men return from abroad when they hit retirement age and are surprised they aren’t welcomed back into to heart of the family they left
They aren’t fathers and it’s too late for all concerned by then to have any deeper relationship than a long lost uncle of sorts

If you had read the post and understood, you'd see op wrote her ex missed out on a lot of events with the kids which indicates he left the kids as well if that's what we are calling it. Yes you are correct that ending a relationship doesn't mean you left your kids but op isn't referring to those partners. Op is talking about those who have had less interaction as a result of leaving. Hence asking if they now have regret. If they've only left their partner and they had still made the same effort with their kids then there's no reason for them to regretful!

Good question. In my case the regret is only that he did not get away with it i.e. our son did not tolerate his behaviour and went no contact. That is not a good look as a 21 year old does not randomly cut off contact with a parent he has lived with his entire life unless something bad has happened.Of course he blamed me for our son's reaction and rewrote history so he was a victim in our marriage. The reality is, his own happiness takes priority and if that comes at the expense of his relationship with our son, well so be it.

Sounds like my first husband. He moved to Oz a few months after we divorced with his new wife without telling me or our 2 children, when they were 8 and 12, when my eldest was 32 he (his dad) got in touch with him, and drove him bonkers with incessant messages and emails and saying awful things about me. Eventually my eldest cut contact after giving him a mouthful. My youngest wants nothing to do with him, as he saw him being violent towards me.
I never badmouthed him to them, as I believed they had a right to know their dad, even if he didn't deserve the right to know them (if that makes sense).
He is now still in Oz living in a caravan cleaning septic tanks for a living and thoroughly miserable.
I can't honestly say I have any sympathy for him.
Edited for typos.

If he has missed on so many of the children’s life events, he certainly left them and made no effort.