Partner booking a holiday that I can’t go on

[Penda85]

My partner would like to travel back to the country he was born in, as he has family living there and has not been back for years. He has children of his own and they were too small to remember last time they visited. I’ve never been.

DP mentioned it to me to ask if I would like to go, and I said I was keen to go with them, but we didn’t set any dates or look at booking anything.

DP messaged me this morning to say he has found a cheap deal in a few weeks time he would like to book it, am I free to go?

I have a full time job and he’s planning a holiday during the school half term holiday period, all the leave has already been booked in my team. I cannot get this time off as annual leave rota is finalised. He is self employed.

There is little point me going for a weekend as the flights are expensive, the cheapest is a very early AM return flight to the U.K. on a Sunday morning which seems like a waste of time and money to go for less than 48 hours and it over a 3 hour flight.

I’ve told him to go without me as I don’t want them all to miss out, and he says he feels bad about going without me but he probably will anyway.

We don’t have a big holiday budget so this would use most of it and a summer trip would be camping or a cheap weekend away. He can only go during school holidays and these are the hardest times for me to book leave and you need to do it in advance so I can’t just up and go on a whim! If I knew in advance I could have booked the time off. It’s 3 times the price to go another week that I can get time off.

I feel a bit silly being upset, I’m a grown up I will cope. I don’t think I have any option but to suck it up

I am guessing he is not a big planner - and more of a spontaneous person.
In some ideal world - he'd planned ahead and this visit would have happened with more notice.
But - you probably know that about him.

In the end - maybe it's not a bad thing he'll go with his kids and without you. It is his country, he hasn't been in a while - and I am guessing there is a different language involved as well. With you there - it won't be the same sort of trip as he'll feel he needs to entertain you, translate, etc.

Let him go and catch up with family and friends - and show his kids their heritage.

I think people who live in the country they are born in and with ability to see family not limited by needing to get on a plane - do not quite understand how it feels to be away. And how much one needs to just go back on their own sometimes.
I had an ex who used to force his way every time I went to my home country. I resented it - it took away from my time with family, and made everything more complicated.

So, OP - my advice would find some empathy and think about your OH and try to be happy for him. This is what relationships are like - sometime you need to put the other person's feelings above your own.
And - he seems to be a great guy - as he feels bad for not including you.

One year of scaled back holidays is not a huge deal.

It is hard to comment as I can’t deduce the make up of your family. Are you living together? Long term, stable relationship? Are the kids just his or joint?

How long have you been together?

Let him go and spend some quality time with his family and his kids, surely that's what this particular holiday is all about really.

5 years, yes living together, not my DC, stable relationship. I have already told him to go without me. I am not petty I do not begrudge him going for the reasons he wants to, I just feel annoyed about the lack of planning being different for me. I can’t be spontaneous.

We went on a family holiday last year that was gate crashed by his other relatives, so what with COVID restricting travel for a few years too I’ve never been away on a proper holiday with just us and the kids, or just us as a couple alone either. We have had weekends away in the U.K alone and with the kids.

We will not be able to go abroad again this year due to the cost so unless I go on my own or with someone else this will be the main expensive overseas 2024 holiday and I cannot attend.

I don’t speak the language, no.

I just feel annoyed about the lack of planning being different for me. I can’t be spontaneous.

Is this a larger pattern in your relationship? If so it's worth having a bigger-picture conversation because it can take a lot of time and effort for spontaneous people/plan-ahead people to get on each other's wavelength. And the plan-ahead people probably need to do the heavy lifting in terms of, well, planning ahead. For example when he said he'd like to go, that's the time to actually look at dates, or specifically say you can't do certain dates, so you can lock in a plan before he does it spontaneously.

I think that this year you should go somewhere you really want to go, either solo or with friends. And you should start planning when you can go back to his home country with him in 2025 or 2026.

It's totally fine for him to go and to take his children. Yes, it's nice for him to invite you, but you can't get off, but he clearly needs to go during the school holidays so that his children can go and not miss school. They are, and should be, a priority over a partner, especially as it would be to visit their family and a place that has cultural significance for them.

He shouldn't be using your holiday budget to do it though. He should be using his own personal money. Now it could be that means he needs to take money that he contributed to a joint holiday out (still leaving in it what you contributed). I think that's okay. Could you take your own money and go do something you enjoy another time? And then take a cheap camping holiday together? Some years, I do more solo travel and then we only have a small family holiday (with dh and dc - who are our joint dc).

This is the 2nd year our main holiday has revolved around his relatives (I am not talking about the children. I’m referring to Immediate and extended relatives) so I don’t really want to go on another holiday in the same vein in 2025 as that will be 3 years in a row or just take separate holidays every year.

I am mostly annoyed the family holiday budget for the rest of the year will now just stretch to a rainy weekend camping trip 20 miles away whilst he has had a week away in the sun.

If we had a bigger budget we could do both. Him take this trip and us take another later, but we cannot afford it. So his trip will use the whole family holiday budget this year. Yes I can go away, alone, with my own money, but I am not sure that’s unreasonable to think that’s a bit shitty for me.

I fully support him doing the trip with his own DC, it’s just this will be the main family holiday of 2024 and I am not able to go as he has given me a months notice in advance

I would take it into my own hands and arrange something for next year before he does now. Or maybe just have a word with him and say you really need that break and next year you would like to do 'whatever it is you want to' and see what he says

I don't think it's fair that your partner is using most of your holiday budget.

Exactly, be magnanimous about this trip and start planning & actually booking something that suits you for next year.

OP - you keep saying you don't begrudge him going, but in reality - you do. I think you don't want to admit that to yourself, as you realise it's unreasonable...

The "family holiday" - with his kids, I presume - that was "gate crashed" by his relatives? This sounds strange to be so annoyed by that. I'd understand if it was a romantic trip you two have taken - then of course family on either side showing up would be not a great addition. But - he has kids and family joining up was also their family. This is what FAMILY holidays are - I am sure they all had a lot of fun being together. Especially if they all live far away and not see each other often.
Something tells me you don't have kids and somehow do not quite enjoy being a part of a larger family. But this is what you have signed up by entering a relationship with a person who has kids and who is close to his family.

Are they possibly from a country where family ties are closer than in the UK? Southern Europe, perhaps?

Do you share finances? Sorry but in this instance he should be using his own money to pay for him and his children.

Sounds like you both need to sit down and plan next year and you need to be very clear that you want a holiday with just him and his children and not his extended family.

When we first discussed this, it was touted for summer so I booked 2 weeks off in the summer holidays in anticipation. I booked leave avoiding the dates the DC’s mum is taking them away.

He has on a whim looked online for flights and wants to book with a months notice.

So it is not like I had done nothing in terms of planning ahead he has landed this decision suddenly.

I don’t want to have the same happen again next year so I am wary of making a big commitment to any holiday now. He is not a planner he is spontaneous. I don’t think he would commit to something in 2025 he will just want to wing it

I will go away on my own, I’m not going to settle for his crappy camping trip don’t worry .

Thing is he will say something to try to make him look and feel less bad so he said lets go away to Turkey or something in summer too!

So I looked online for holidays earlier and then he realised it’s like at least £2k for that type of trip then said hmm not sure we can’t afford it but we will see… so we may or may not get that trip and would hang around waiting to find out?

@Sashya I do have a child, my son is a teen who doesn’t always want to come on these type of big family holidays and spends equal time with his dad. I am able to do something independently with my own child but my child isn’t going to go on this trip if I can’t go. This is the same as when I was a single parent which I feel is part of the issue really. I’m still operating on my own.

I don’t want to be outing myself but it was a trip to visit someone on his side abroad last year. We booked our flights. We were joined by a large number of other family members who tagged along. It was insane. We couldn’t easily get around because we always needed to get multiple taxis everywhere. We had no moments peace. Not one meal alone. Morning to night. And it wasn’t the children who were demanding and difficult! The family who came along do not live far away, he sees them all the time.

The only romantic trips we have been on were paid for and organised by me. I know he isn’t going to organise one that’s down to me but I don’t really feel like I can be bothered anymore.

I begrudge him giving me a months notice to go on what was meant to be our family holiday this year. I haven’t said I don’t. I very much do!

Yes my share or portion of this trip will still be available to me to use. We just can’t use it together.

I wouldn't gave a problem with him spending quality time with his family without having to consider you and navigate introductions and potential awkwardness. Save that for next time when he has rebuilt the connections and you can enjoy your time there

He made his trip a priority and it is clearly his preference.

Do the same thing for yourself and go on holiday with someone else.

It sounds to me that even after 5 years, you have not accepted that he is a man from a completely different culture with a large close knit family… they will have ways and norms that are perfectly reasonable for their culture.

Some people in mixed culture relationships throw themselves into it and love the differences, and have patience when the two differing ways clash.
Others, grow increasingly more frustrated and impatient with time.

It seems you fall into the latter category.

It happens. It has happened to me, on both sides of the coin.

In this case, it doesn’t sound like he’s done much wrong, except not to have a big enough budget. He may not feel he has the financial luxury to wait to travel in the summer, when there is a deal much sooner.

It may just be that you are disillusioned with the whole star crossed lovers thing.

If you need romance and Western Europe type planning, it may be wise to consider if he can ever morph into that.
To put it another way, do you think you could easily morph into his culture and start to be the one who actively books all the taxis so everyone can travel and eat communally?

The easiest way to live may be not to expect from others what you would find difficult to give yourself.

I am not interested in star crossed lovers. I don’t need romance, not like he’s ever been romantic so I accept that.

He is a people pleaser so he tries to make everyone happy, but by doing that you only ever make yourself miserable and usually everyone else annoyed.

It’s not a cultural thing, the main relative of his who is a nightmare is from the same part of the U.K. as I am. I have no issues with most of his family but there is one in particular who is truly dreadful and ruins everything for everyone. I don’t want to go on holiday with them again and neither does anyone else tbh. No one says anything though.

I’ve not met his other overseas relatives and now I won’t be able to. There would be no awkward introductions they know who I am, I’ve spoken to them on video calls just not met in person. I am not a new partner. He's not been there for years. I was looking forward to learning more about his birth country but this is about the dynamics of our relationship making me annoyed, not the physical holiday. A holiday is not the issue, it’s a symptom.

I’m always doing things with his family and his kids anyway, it’s a bit one sided and this makes me realise how far one sided it is

If there is money left over for you, why not use it to book the weekend away with them and get a more expensive flight back that allows you more time on the Sunday?

At least you get some time away with them? Maybe work will let you book the Friday off too?

Or tell him to book in the summer instead when you have leave?

He didn't want you to come on the trip in the first place. How did he manged to get his annual leave approved so quickly? What exactly are you doing with your finances? Why can't you afford a holiday with you and your own Son?

Yes we can both take our kids on individual separate holidays. Defeats the concept of us being a family and wasn’t the plan

He is self employed

TLDR - had a joint plan to go away this year, DP wants to go in a month and I can’t as too short notice and can’t get time off

I accept by the comments in DP’s favour that I am unreasonable for being annoyed about the circumstances of this sudden booking and will accept it graciously that I maybe wasn’t welcome in the first place. Thanks 😂

Firstly, I am a Dad. My children have dual nationality with their mother being originally from another country.

Whilst it does seem one-sided, one parent taking the children to visit a place they were from, and to visit family and friends whilst there, is not concerning in its own way. It would be fair to say that if family are abroad then travel overseas to visit them is generally going to be considered reasonable. Just remember that those family members may not be around for ever, so seeing them and them seeing the kids is important. As long as there is trust and respect and no concerns over the health and wellbeing of the children, or of 'parental abduction' then it would seem fine for one parent to do so. However, where joint parental responsibility exists both parents have to agree to taking the children abroad. And common decency and respect would demand that the parent wishing to take children overseas discussed and agreed it with the other parent beforehand.

My children did, from a very young age, sometimes travel with their mother to her country of birth and visit relatives whilst there, and without me travelling with them. I never had concerns other than that their mother take utmost care to make sure they were safe and well at all times. Sadly their mother does suffer from periodic anger issues linked to suspected personality disorder and did once or twice in a rage threaten to take the children abroad to her country of birth and never return. After that I was less willing, but managed to influence a solution on cost and comfort grounds that she only take one child, with the other staying home with me. This resulted in the children arguing over who had to go with mum, as they really didn't like going. For a few years now this hasn't been a problem as the overseas relatives passed away and also because that place is Russia and travel to there is currently, in a word, undesirable, as well as being somewhat difficult to do.

So I would recommend;

• Take the opportunity, you never know when things may change and such a trip is no longer possible.
• Agree on plan and timing with other parent.
• Have discussion on cost implications and whether it is reasonable.
• Ask the Children if they want to go, if they are old enough the express an opinion you should take that into account, mindful that kids mostly need to do as parents wish. Explain what they will do there, who they will see, how long they will be away, where they will stay. Don't try to influence them against it, but ask what they think.
• If they do go without you, maybe plan something for the future with just you and the kids.

What else about the dynamics in the relationship has annoyed you?
It would make sense that this final event has annoyed you more than usual, if you already felt unhappy with other things.

@Catoo I have looked at this option. It’s a lot of money for a day of a holiday. I am working so would need to leave late Friday night and then there are only 2 return flight Sunday options, the later one is quite expensive. It’s better I keep the money to use for something else at this stage.

@ZombieMovie I’m pretty annoyed with him and the way this unfolded. He texted the flights were cheap, I straight away knew I wouldn’t be able to go so I told him I was not able to get time off. Then he got all flappy about it and panicky saying he felt bad to ditch me to go but it’s just so cheap blah blah we can go somewhere else this year (but we both know full well we cannot go together). I just replied he should book it. I have not said anything else to a guilt trip. He had already decided to go even if I can’t.

He also knows our holiday last year was stressful, and he knows we had a plan to go on holiday together. I will make my own plans I am not a child. I just think it’s ok to be disappointed and annoyed by being unable to plan anything with this man. I now have 2 weeks off in the summer and I frankly do not want to spend it in a tent in the U.K. but if I don’t go along with that cheapo holiday then I look petty don’t I? That’s a holiday for the kids too, not adults. I would like some tiny element of something I would enjoy but I feel like this doesn’t factor, I just follow