Partner booking a holiday that I can’t go on

[Penda85]

My partner would like to travel back to the country he was born in, as he has family living there and has not been back for years. He has children of his own and they were too small to remember last time they visited. I’ve never been.

DP mentioned it to me to ask if I would like to go, and I said I was keen to go with them, but we didn’t set any dates or look at booking anything.

DP messaged me this morning to say he has found a cheap deal in a few weeks time he would like to book it, am I free to go?

I have a full time job and he’s planning a holiday during the school half term holiday period, all the leave has already been booked in my team. I cannot get this time off as annual leave rota is finalised. He is self employed.

There is little point me going for a weekend as the flights are expensive, the cheapest is a very early AM return flight to the U.K. on a Sunday morning which seems like a waste of time and money to go for less than 48 hours and it over a 3 hour flight.

I’ve told him to go without me as I don’t want them all to miss out, and he says he feels bad about going without me but he probably will anyway.

We don’t have a big holiday budget so this would use most of it and a summer trip would be camping or a cheap weekend away. He can only go during school holidays and these are the hardest times for me to book leave and you need to do it in advance so I can’t just up and go on a whim! If I knew in advance I could have booked the time off. It’s 3 times the price to go another week that I can get time off.

I feel a bit silly being upset, I’m a grown up I will cope. I don’t think I have any option but to suck it up

Since he has deprived you of a family holiday once again, and now has almost wasted your two weeks of precious annual leave, can you ask him to do extra jobs before the summer to make it up to you and top up the family budget for a decent holiday?

It sounds like you want to see him make more of an effort and take part in creating more of a family atmosphere. It’s okay to ask directly for that and make suggestions how he might do this, and ask and listen for his suggestions, too.

How does he get on with your son? Is he generally happy to include him?

Can you not get one days annual leave and go for a long weekend? <or pull a sickie>
I agree it is annoying but flights prices go up sooooo much in summer that I can see why he wants the deal, although in half-term they are very high too. Has he already booked the flights? If not, can you look for some when you have annual leave?

I agree with others that he should use the holiday fund, or at least only for some of the holiday, not all.

Plan and book something for next Summer and go on this trip for the weekend.

Hi OP,

Why don’t you take your own son for a lovely holiday somewhere wonderful for your annual leave?

Sorry if this is uninvited but - what do you even get from your partner? It doesn’t sound great. Maybe you should prioritise your own son, as he is your real family.

How do your finances work OP? How come he gets to use up the holiday budget?

He's prioritizing himself

Bottom line

I see that a lot of posters are missing the point. The main problem here is not if OP will or will not go on a holiday, the point is that her partner booked a holiday without communicating with her. It is ok and probably desirable in this case that your partner goes alone with his kids, OP and maybe that is why he did it this way to avoid bringing you with him. It may be that he wanted to be able to talk to his family freely, perhaps in a different language than English, maybe because of the last year’s fiasco, he was anxious to introduce you to the rest of his family.

Either way, he should have communicated this with you in some way, because the way he did it is rude and disrespectful. I think that this is just a symptom of a bigger problem in your relationship. It’s not about holidays, it is about communication and partnership that this relationship is lacking. I think that you should let him go and enjoy his holiday, but when he comes back have a frank and open conversation with him. The way I see it, this may not be working out for you. Good luck!

Me and my partner have been together for 5 years. We both have children from previous relationships. I have 1 and they have 2. We have a mortgage together and have lived together for 4 years. I was always earning more money so have always paid all the bills and they covered shopping. They have just got a new job which makes our situation about 60 to 40 split on earnings me being the 60. I have said about putting out finances together and having a joint account we both put in the percentage of the wages and pay all the bills food etc from that one account and then we still have our separate money. When trying to set this up I was told that I am trying to be controlling. I see it as I am trying to be fare. On top of this my partner has turn around to me and said that they have booked a week off from there new job and we are going on holiday. I checked my child's dates and he is away with the ex partner for the first 3 days. I have said that they should of checked to make sure that all in the family are available before making that decision and booking the time off. My partner is saying that they are still going away as it is there birthday week. Bear in mind that we have already been away this year without my child. My partner is adamant that they are still booking a holiday and going. The reason I have put both the financial and holiday in the same thread is because I cannot just decide I'm booking a holiday as over 90% of my wages go on bills and I am not in a position just to do that. I have tried talking to my partner about both situations but we hit a stone wall every time and I get labelled controlling. I was just wondering what other peoples opinions are on this and has any one else been in a similar situation and what was the outcome?

@QuickAzureBee - you are witn a cocklodger. He will bleed you dry.

Op, please stop making yourself small. If you don’t want to spend two weeks on a beach don’t. Nothing about saying that is petty. I feel like you have not even told him clearly and slowly I resent your planning holidays I can’t go on, prioritising your family.

it is totally unclear to me if he’s used most of the joint holidays budget on this. If he has that’s not ok. Tell him to use his own money. If he hasn’t, the rest is yours. Stop feeling guilty, stop feeling like you cannot book anything you like. It’s yours, you don’t look petty if you book absolutely whatever the fuck you want to do with your child. And you must tell him I’m fed up with prioritising what you want, your decision to book a holiday I can’t make, even knowing I’d planned leave for it, shows we aren’t a team. There isn’t the budget left for all of us to <whatever you want to> so I’m going with my dc. Why would I allow for you here? You haven’t allowed for me, I don’t think you even want to come. But let me be clear, it’s shit you don’t even think about me when planning holidays and if I’m holidaying like I’m single then I start to wonder what is the point of us.

prioritise yourself. Tell him how I feel. Do not tell him by saying it doesn’t matter. Don’t feel small. Prioritising yourself is not petty, and when no one else is it’s actually essential.