DH Low paid high stress job

[ThatGentleMintSeal]

I’m just looking for advice as I don’t know what to do or how to help my DH. I don’t want to talk to friends and family about this as I’m embarrassed the catalyst of this argument was due to having to make a UC claim for the first time. We have two LO’s (newborn and reception age).

My DH is constantly stressed and looses his temper very easily, either shouting at myself or our LO. He blames his job for this stress. He works 37.5 hours a week. For example, I made myself a cup of tea during a night feed (we also have a newborn) and left my mug and a glass in the window and he blew up. Throwing/ kicking LO’s toys if they’re in the way. Angry at me for doing an online grocery shop and ordering food he believed we didn’t need. Not supporting breastfeeding after c section because newborn “cried too much”, had shallow latch.

I know the job market is very competitive and it’s not easy to get a well paid job. My issue is that he is constantly stressed with his low paid job. I am not saying his job cannot be stressful but that the level of stress he exhibits isn’t reflective of the job role/pay level .He is more than capable of climbing the ladder, he has said this himself on multiple occasion, but rather that he doesn’t want to because of stress but he is constantly stressed now! Says he is more than capable of doing our friends and family’s well paid jobs. My frustration is that he knows he is more than capable of getting a better paid job, I know he is capable but he refuses to as he “doesn’t want a stressful career”. I understand that he is not career minded but if his job is causing him to be so miserable and stressed then surely it is time to look at another position.

I’m also frustrated that I’m not currently in a position to get myself a better paid job as I’m currently on maternity leave (with compulsory 3 month return). DH is not keen on our newborn being put in nursery due to his own bad experience .Our previous working arrangement was that he worked full-time and I had LO at home with me in the day as to avoid nursery fees and I worked evening and weekend shifts. I have suggested that I would go full-time and be happy to do so to boost our income, he doesn’t agree with this until newborn is in reception. He is the breadwinner.

If I was in my DH’s position I would be trying my best to better my wage and manage stress levels for a better family dynamic. I grew up in poverty, think breadline. My money worries stem from childhood as my parents made us privy to their dire financial situation very early on. Therefore, I’ve always been ambitious and motivated to want better . DH did not grow up in poverty, so I don’t think he understands my mentality. Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m grateful for DH providing and being the breadwinner. I’m not bashing my DH. I want advice on how to have a respectful, non- critical conversation about moving forward.

AIBU to want him to also want more for us and our family too ?

Please do not feel embarrassed about making a UC claim.

I do not think you will be able to have such a conversation with him because he is at heart abusive towards both you and your eldest child. He shouting at your LO must be terrifying for he/she to listen to. You remaining with him does not shield your kids from this behaviour of his as they are with him all the time. Your eldest could very well tell a teacher in time that their dad kicks their toys and shouts at him/her.

How does he behave around people in the outside world, is he all sweetness and light to them?. I would assume he does not bitch and moan at his employers about his current job nor does he damage his colleagues possessions. It is for you people therefore this ill treatment from him is directed at.

Abusers are also adept at blaming everything and everyone else for their problems, they never accept responsibility for their actions.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

is this really the model of a relationship you want to show your children?. I would seriously consider if this is a man you want to remain with because such men do not change. Abuse also thrives on secrecy too. I would seriously consider contacting Women’s Aid and get some advice from them too.

He’s abusive & it’s not because of his “high stress’ job. You need to decide if you want your DC growing up in such an hostile environment. I echo the pp and suggest women’s aid as a first stop.

You know that he's abusive/controlling or at best deeply unpleasant, right? Honestly, I'd be seriously thinking about a long term future with this man.

Oh dear.

He is an abusive twat.

None of his behaviour is your fault.

Your poor DC. How horrible and scary for them to live in that atmosphere.

You need to get your ducks in a row and make plans to leave.

Contact your local Domestic Abuse service for support.

DH earns approximately 75% and I earn 25% of our household earnings. I earn minimum wage. Until recently I sent him 50% of my earnings towards bills and food, I had little left over to save. I wouldn’t be able to afford a divorce.

I’ll just add that we have recently merged our finances for the UC claim to make the process easier. Prior to this our finances were separate but we had one joint account for food shop. Trying to separate finances now would be a nightmare.

You do not need a ton on money in order to divorce, divorce is available to all.

I guess too that he has never regarded his money and your money as anything other than his money and your money. Thankfully you are no longer sending him 50 percent of your earnings towards bills and food.

How did he feel about merging finances?. I would think he did not like this one little bit as he’s used money previously to further control you.

You’re right. The current environment is not conducive to a happy family dynamic in which my children can flourish emotionally or academically. He name calls a lot to both of us. The situation is reminiscent of my childhood. I don’t want them to grow up in poverty too. I did well in school, I have a degree but I work in a supermarket. My current financial position doesn’t lend me to divorcing easily.

We recently did a mortgage in principle and our borrowing is shockingly low, we wouldn’t be able to move basically. He blamed people over lending decades ago for out decreased lending instead.

Your current financial position is no bar to you divorcing if this is what you want. Do seek legal advice from one or two firms of solicitors local to you and see what they say, knowledge here is also power.

I worked out that I was overpaying towards bills/ food quite considerably. He did not like this when I confronted him about it. I was really upset about this and stated that contribution should be proportional to income. He said he wasn’t aware but he is very good with numbers, always pulling me up on my spending so I highly doubt this. This is when I demanded that finances be merged. He then said he would be better off this way anyway ?

It also came to light that he was able to save a considerable amount of money per month. Separate savings too. I was left only being able to save £150 per month.

So it was all rosy when you were giving your salary over but now you are caring for his offspring and are unable to it's not?

I divorced a man like this who often used to say, "You are taking all my money." He also slammed doors, kicked things, got upset about night feeds and deprived me of doing a proper shop. I remember buying 1 sausage from the butcher each week for DC as he would only allow a small amount of money for groceries. I ate no meat, just potatoes and veggies.

He was also the sole earner but wasn't low paid but could have earned more. I had been a trailing spouse before DC so my earning potential was a lot lower.

I went back to work and divorced him.

You will get UC in your own name and you'll be a lot happier.

He is an abusive twat. No child should grow up watching their parent be physically violent (kicking their possessions) and calling them names.

This is awful. How can you stay with a man who is abusive to your kids?

The problem isn't anything you cited in your op. The problem is that your awful husband is an abusive areshole.

I’ll add that he hasn’t always been like this. He is blaming his recent behaviour on the stress of his job. But yes it is abusive and I understand that I need to leave or something must change.

He is abusive. His job has nothing to do with it. Please call Women's Aid.

He's sounds such an angry petulant man blaming everyone but himself for your financial situation. You know you can't bring children up with this man if he doesn't change. Have you talked about what needs to change if he is so unhappy with his job/pay? Does he have a plan or does he just think the world is against him?
To me, all this comparison of ' I could do that job if I wanted, but I don't want the stress', makes me think he isn't up to it, has he ever been offered promotion? What's his long term plan? To persistently underachieve and get more resentful?

Agree with everything you have said.

When I bring up the potential of going for a promotion his excuse is “it isn’t worth the pay” or “it isn’t worth the stress” or he “doesn’t want a career”. He has never gone for promotion no. There is no ambition to better himself or his family, there is no motivation or drive.

I’ve tried to explain that if he wants me to look after our DC and work part-time then we need to look at ways of boosting our income. I’ve tried to explain that currently he is the one in position to look for better paid work to try to and compensate for loss of income by being part time. He believes I’m privileged by looking after the DC and working part-time.

I have been doing less housework because I’m breastfeeding newborn, he is annoyed that he’s had to “pick up” after me which means he has no free time which adds to his stress. Previously I would make all meals, clean, washing etc.

I am going to seek free legal advice.

Turn the tables on him and see the reaction because this should tell you all you need to know. he will go part time and look after the children and you will go back to work full time. Of course he will say no. but just see how he does it. then you will know what he thinks of you. yes leaving will be hard but how can it be any harder than leaving your dignity and self worth at the door for this man

OP - I think at this point your H does not get to dictate what you do with your career. If he want for you to stay at home - he needs to make more effort to provide above poverty line.
You need to make the choice you think are right for you and your kids. And that applies to jobs and life in general.

In your place - I'd try to see what I could do with the degree you have. Working in the supermarket may help in the short term - but I am not sure it's the best way forward for you. You have the skills and education - and you have ambition - do not give up. You will not regret it years later when you build your career and have a sense of financial security.
A few of my friends went back to work when their kids were babies. They used certified/registered childminders as it was cheaper and felt better to have kids in a house rather than a bigger nursery. These kids are now teenagers and doing great. They were not at all negatively affected by not having a SAHM.

Good luck!!!!

It’s bullshit really isn’t it, Dh has pulled ridiculous hours I’m talking 60-70 hours in a very stressful job, 37.5 hours is a standard week. Not once has he lost his shit with me because he’s stressed out. Also managed to give DD a bath and put her to bed in that time.

Also if he was able to get a better paying job he would wouldn’t he, he wouldn’t be moaning about him being able to earn the same as people he knows but he just doesn’t want to 🙄.

He’s a small man who’s trying to make you smaller to compensate for his inadequacy. You don’t have to put up with this shit and he doesn’t get to make decisions about your career.

well in that case its obviously worth sticking together 🤔 but i would strongly suggest putting a tenner away each week to replace toys/gadgets of the kids that ends up breaking in his kicking rages & also take out some sort of income/life insurance policy incase one you dies/his mental health leads to reckless death or suicide for the kids sake. Xx

You need to get out of this situation before he completely destroys your mental health and that of the children.

This man, instead of wanting to see his family flourish, is keeping them down.

You must protect your children from this abusive environment. How can you stand to see him treat them that way? I think I would have been absolutely livid! Please use your mama bear protective instincts to propel you out of this situation.

Do not sleep with him and risk another pregnancy.
He is so mean and nasty, it’s astonishing you slept with him for the second child.

Your childhood has made you normalise bad treatment. Please seek some therapy for this so it is not passed down to the next generation.

My first thoughts are OP- keep yourself in work even though initially it may not make financial sense- if you need to leave at some point it will make your options easier- also make sure you ideally have merged finances, that you can access and see, so you know if he is saving what he gets paid etc. protect yourself as a priority!!! He clearly doesn't get that most higher paid jobs come with stress too- often different kinds of stress but targets, satisfying clients, reporting into some arse you don't rate etc, etc - highly paid stress free jobs are pretty few and far between these days.

Taking out his frustrations on you and the little ones constantly is utterly unacceptable

Blokes like this are not family men and are best left to wallow in their own inadequacy.

You’re right, I believe also that it is a generational issue. My mum was a SAHP, except my dad was earning a very good wage. He then left his good job citing mental health breakdown which plunged us into poverty and never bothered to return to work. I was privy to their dire finances at primary age. I do not want history to repeat itself.

I’m working through PND so I am not sleeping with him. I’ll be getting my ducks in a row. My DHs behaviour is not excusable. Please know that I’m not just sat there letting him to shout at us, I respond back and take ourselves away from the situation that’s caused the issue.

@ThatGentleMintSeal I wish you all the luck in the world lovely- as I said timing is everything and when you have young people to think about - then even more so- - don't do anything rash , put yourself in the best position you can - know the ins and outs of his finances and protect yourself and your little ones!!

I don't think this bloke is going to 'play nice' if you initiate a split- so it's important you have all facts to hand and somewhere to go to - which is why getting out the workplace isn't a great idea.

'If I was in my DH’s position I would be trying my best to better my wage and manage stress levels for a better family dynamic. I grew up in poverty, think breadline.'

OP if I was in your position I would not be having two kids, and that way manage finances for a better family dynamic. I also grew up in poverty, think breadline.

It works both ways. You complain he's not earning a lot and you can't either because you've had yet another baby, but why did you?

He's not great either - shouting at kids what the hell. Whose idea was it to have a second?