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Original poster

I think I'm in love with another man

31 replies

Daisiesandroses · 04/03/2024 15:14

Been with my partner 8 years. For a while now I've had the feeling that it's just not right but stuck at it.

Another man has come into my life. At the moment we are very good friends. He is single but has started seeing someone. I think I'm in love with him but I don't really know how I feel in all honesty. I don't know if he has feeling towards me but some of his actions and words suggests he might.

My poor DP. He has done nothing wrong. He's lovely. I just don't think I love him anymore. I'm so confused.

We have one DD and own our house together. I'm scared of leaving. He offers me so much security and he really does love me. I feel so guilty.

Who has been in this situation? What did you do? What would you do if it was you?

OP posts:
riverlodge90 · 04/03/2024 15:40

Look up limerence would be my advice, as it sounds like that to me.

Original poster
Daisiesandroses · 04/03/2024 16:43

I'm not sure that it is, but thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisiesandroses · 04/03/2024 16:45

Whatever it is - I have strong feelings for someone who isn't my DP and I'm not sure if I love my DP anymore. Just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
takemeawayagain · 04/03/2024 16:54

You either need to stick with your partner, put all your energy into that relationship and avoid speaking or seeing the other man (unless you really have to at work for example). OR you need to end your relationship.

Mrsttcno1 · 04/03/2024 17:03

You need to completely separate the two things from each other.

If you no longer love your partner, then decide how you feel about that and decide what you want to do about that. For example would you be open to counselling, is it something you’d want to work on? The bottom line is though, this other person is completely irrelevant to that. Take this other person out of the equation completely and just think about your current relationship, are you happy in it, do you want to work on it, do you want to stay in it? Decide that completely on its own, on the understanding that leaving him means being single. Forget about the other man entirely for right now, this is an 8 year long relationship, the father of your child, and this other man is (at best) just a crush right now.

I have friends who have been in similar situations and regretted their decision to leave. Someone new feels exciting and sexy and interesting, of course they are more intriguing than your Mr Reliable partner of 8 years, but that sexy interesting new man (if you choose him) is only new for so long.

Forget about the other man completely. Focus on your relationship. If you decide to separate from your partner then that’s your choice but do that and then be single. If one day when you’re ready to date again this man is still available then you can try then but frankly if he’s the kind of man who would take an interest in a woman with a partner & child and who would happily be the rebound man when that woman leaves her partner, I wouldn’t say he’s worth having anyway.

SomersetTart · 04/03/2024 17:27

It's easy to think you love someone that you don't know at all, much harder to make a relationship work in real life. This man is in a relationship and has said nothing to you about his feelings for you. This could be all in your head.

The best solution is to distance yourself from this man and work out what you want from your own life.

ToastedTCake · 04/03/2024 17:51

You are not happy in your current relationship. It could get better or worse. It's up to you to decide and act on your decision. The other man is seeing someone else so it's unlikely that he will ever lead to anything. Please cut contact with him as he will eat away at your heart and mind.

You could meet someone else further down the line...

Pinkbonbon · 04/03/2024 18:11

You need to cut contact with this new person. He has a girlfriend now anyway.

I'd give your marriage a year or so and see how you feel by the end of that year. If you still don't love your husband, even with this man out of the picture, and after having tried to rekindle your feelings for your partner...then leaving might be the best thing.

But it's not ok to keep a man around you like, when you are married.

Mydentity101 · 04/03/2024 23:28

Daisiesandroses · 04/03/2024 15:14

Been with my partner 8 years. For a while now I've had the feeling that it's just not right but stuck at it.

Another man has come into my life. At the moment we are very good friends. He is single but has started seeing someone. I think I'm in love with him but I don't really know how I feel in all honesty. I don't know if he has feeling towards me but some of his actions and words suggests he might.

My poor DP. He has done nothing wrong. He's lovely. I just don't think I love him anymore. I'm so confused.

We have one DD and own our house together. I'm scared of leaving. He offers me so much security and he really does love me. I feel so guilty.

Who has been in this situation? What did you do? What would you do if it was you?

The other guy been in your life long? I ask because you describe him as a "very good friend". Is he someone you work with? How did this chap appear in your life and become your friend?

amispeakingintongues · 05/03/2024 01:06

If I was you I definitely wouldn't leave my doting DP with whom I have a child and home with just because I fancy another bloke who may or may not feel the same way.

Are you sure this isn't just a seven (8) year itch thing? Relationships take work, they're not always spicy and exciting. I personally believe having a man who is dependable, dedicated and loving trumps any fanciful affair. Have you looked at your sex life with DP? You may need to find new ways to connect in this phase of your life

LifeExperience · 05/03/2024 01:14

You can't love someone whom you don't even know. Work on your relationship with your dp.

HeddaGarbled · 05/03/2024 01:16

It’s just the temptation of novelty. It’s absolutely normal to fancy other people after 8 years with the same guy. 8 years with new guy, you’ll be feeling exactly the same about someone else.

Lurkingandlearning · 05/03/2024 01:46

I sympathise but have to say I wouldn’t think much of someone who waited until I was in a relationship to tell me they had feelings for me. I think you’ve missed your opportunity. But if you read (have read) about limerance it will, hopefully help you see him in a different love light.

Original poster
Daisiesandroses · 06/03/2024 17:36

I genuinely don't know if I want to work on my relationship. It has crossed my mind many times over the years that perhaps I have just settled - for someone who is dependable and who loves me.

The other man is a good friend who I initially met at work. We talk every day, share a lot of interests and get each other. I do know him well, contrary to lots of the assumptions on here.

It's just hard because what if I make the wrong decision and regret it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisiesandroses · 06/03/2024 17:39

Also OM doesn't have a girlfriend - he's been on a few dates with the same woman and seems like like her but when I asked if he was going to make it official said he wasn't sure.

OP posts:
WhatsTheUseOfWorrying · 06/03/2024 17:47

Don’t look up limerence. The whole idea of it is bollocks.

Buuty · 06/03/2024 18:16

You owe it to your daughter to cut things off with this man and make more effort with your marriage. Settling is awful for the other party. Imagine how shit that would make you feel knowing that someone settled for you. Think of what life would be like being a part time parent. You need to really think about this properly.

Original poster
Daisiesandroses · 06/03/2024 18:31

Buuty · 06/03/2024 18:16

You owe it to your daughter to cut things off with this man and make more effort with your marriage. Settling is awful for the other party. Imagine how shit that would make you feel knowing that someone settled for you. Think of what life would be like being a part time parent. You need to really think about this properly.

I don't understand this. You're telling me settling is bad, but then saying to stay with my partner who I don't think I want to be with. Wouldn't that be settling then?

OP posts:
Buuty · 06/03/2024 19:52

Maybe I wasn’t clear.

You clouded your post with talk of another man. if a man came on her saying this he would have his arse handed to him!

What effort have you made? At the moment you are fluttering your eyelashes at someone else. How can you focus on your marriage whilst daydreaming about someone else? Life and marriage are hard when you have a kid and most people will have a what if moment at some point.

Saying you settled is an easy get out when you have had your head turned.

Est1990 · 06/03/2024 19:58

Maybe be less selfish. Free your husband so he can find someone who truly loves him and soon you will see if this man is the one🤷‍♀️

Nameschangedagain · 06/03/2024 19:58

Buuty · 06/03/2024 19:52

Maybe I wasn’t clear.

You clouded your post with talk of another man. if a man came on her saying this he would have his arse handed to him!

What effort have you made? At the moment you are fluttering your eyelashes at someone else. How can you focus on your marriage whilst daydreaming about someone else? Life and marriage are hard when you have a kid and most people will have a what if moment at some point.

Saying you settled is an easy get out when you have had your head turned.

Me thinking I may have settled and me being not completely happy came about a while before I got feelings for OM. I think the doubts have just intensified now there's another man in my thoughts.

Feelings for OM started around 4 months ago. Doubts about DP have been in the back of my mind for a couple of years (the intensity of these doubts comes and goes but have been there deep down for a long while)

Nameschangedagain · 06/03/2024 19:59

Est1990 · 06/03/2024 19:58

Maybe be less selfish. Free your husband so he can find someone who truly loves him and soon you will see if this man is the one🤷‍♀️

This is what I think would be right, in this moment. But I worry that I'm just being stupid. I probably am. And the guilt is horrible.

Merrymouse · 06/03/2024 20:07

Daisiesandroses · 06/03/2024 17:36

I genuinely don't know if I want to work on my relationship. It has crossed my mind many times over the years that perhaps I have just settled - for someone who is dependable and who loves me.

The other man is a good friend who I initially met at work. We talk every day, share a lot of interests and get each other. I do know him well, contrary to lots of the assumptions on here.

It's just hard because what if I make the wrong decision and regret it.

Are you prepared to see your child part time to be with this other man?

Does he ‘get’ being on a 4 hour car drive with a complaining child who needs the loo?

Original poster
Daisiesandroses · 06/03/2024 20:14

Nameschangedagain · 06/03/2024 19:58

Me thinking I may have settled and me being not completely happy came about a while before I got feelings for OM. I think the doubts have just intensified now there's another man in my thoughts.

Feelings for OM started around 4 months ago. Doubts about DP have been in the back of my mind for a couple of years (the intensity of these doubts comes and goes but have been there deep down for a long while)

Show quote history

Just realised I replied with a different username. Oops

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisiesandroses · 06/03/2024 20:15

Merrymouse · 06/03/2024 20:07

Are you prepared to see your child part time to be with this other man?

Does he ‘get’ being on a 4 hour car drive with a complaining child who needs the loo?

Show quote history

That's one big sacrifice I'm thinking about a lot. I think it would break me to only see her half the time. But do I want to be stuck in a relationship where I'm not completely happy? It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is.

As he has a child of his own, yes he does 'get' that.

OP posts: