Can I say no to our one night out?

[Pekoe78]

Please be kind. I have very low self esteem and mental health isn’t great. My DH wants me to go with him to see this young, female singer who is very beautiful, thin with big boobs. It’s pretty understandable that he’s so into her especially when he’s married to me, I’m late forties, fat, flat chested with a very ugly face. I know that most normal sane women would be able to cope with seeing a perfect woman in concert with their partner and see it as no big deal but I’m finding the prospect very hard. I feel anxious about eating now which I know is stupid because even if I got thin, I’m still going to be old and ugly in comparison to her. I feel like I still need to lose weight before we go but just don’t have the mental strength for diets, I have an autistic child whose behaviour is extremely difficult and one of my parents is very ill. DH sees it as a rare night out for us to enjoy but I really can’t face it. I’m just going to feel even more rubbish than usual and have to pretend that I don’t. I know it’s stupid so please don’t tell me that, I’m just hoping there’s someone out there with something kind to say and who might think it’s ok for me to say no to this. Thank you.

Make your excuses by saying you're not into her style of music. I love gigs and festivals, but I won't listen to any old crap, can't stand it. If someone offered me free tickets to see a lot of people I'd turn it down. So become more discerning on the grounds that the music is just not to your taste.

Whatever you decide you need to have some therapy because your reaction though valid because everyone is entitled to their feelings is very self destructive.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Has he told you he fancies her?

I think I’d just be honest and say going to see her with him will knock your non existent confidence back further. Can you go out and do something together that will make you both feel good? If you’d prefer dinner and cocktails and his attention on you (not her) that doesn’t sound unreasonable given how you feel.

You can't avoid life because of your out of control insecurities. You know you're being illogical but if you cancel it just reinforces in your mind that you're right to avoid these occasions. Make yourself go.

More importantly, what does your DH look like? I doubt she'd give him a second look.

Surely whether you like her music or not is the most (only) important thing here.

Many singers, actors etc are thin and good-looking. Do you intend to shut yourself off from all pop culture? And how is that your focus above and beyond the songs or the films? This might be something you need professional help for because it's very unusual, and I would say toxic for both yourself and the people around you.

Can’t really afford therapy/professional help, I don’t mean to be toxic to anyone, I keep it all to myself. I don’t shut myself off I just quietly feel rubbish, eat very little, which is probably what I will do this time. I genuinely can’t look at beautiful women without feeling awful (especially if DH fancies them) and I know that’s unusual. I just loathe how ugly and old I look but I can forget it most of the time because of the demands of life. This event is going to be particularly challenging with the build up and everything, just feeling the anxiety, that’s all, I know it’s stupid.

You’re going to get a lot of ‘love yourself’ compliments, but even though the demons won’t go away completely- you will feel a bit better with a great haircut, a fab bra and looking into weight loss injectables if your BMI is high enough.

you obviously have a lot on- but you deserve to feel your best. Self care and beauty is not just for ‘beautiful’ women.

Thanks BMI is 29 so don’t qualify for injections, will just do calorie counting and try to stop running for sugar every time I’m stressed.

Crikey, please be kind to yourself.
Dh is obviously not going to just ogle a singer that he's never going to meet.
He's spent money to take you, his dw, for a night out.
I understand how you feel though, getting old, putting on weight etc is shit, it really does knock your confidence.
If you really can't face it be honest to your dh and I hope he reassures you that you're beautiful ❤️

This is a mental health problem you have so the focus is on you to try to recover. I would speak to your doctor.

for context op, I have never once consider what a singer looks like when going to a gig, nor compared myself and I’m your age. That’s a normal healthy behaviour. I also don’t compare myself to other women.

i would speak to your gp. It could be depression., but im not going to diagnose, thats for a doctor to do.but I do think you need to seek help.

if you can’t face going to this gig, why not suggest something else to do?

If going to gigs is something your DH enjoys and would like to share with you, then it would be a shame not ever to go with him because of silly insecurities. I doubt whether any of us reading this thread are as good looking as most young singers! She's hardly likely to throw herself at your DH is she?
But be kind on yourself, and recognise that it's not easy to just switch the insecurities off, even if you know they are silly. So if this is intended to be a special date night and you don't get out often it might be better to find something you'll both enjoy better. Could you suggest he takes a mate to the gig instead, and find another night for a date night?

I don’t mean to be toxic to anyone, I keep it all to myself

It's very toxic to yourself! You're reducing yourself to your looks. You're also reducing this singer to her looks - you still haven't said whether you even enjoy her music, which is more the point of going to a gig. To you, her talent/voice/musicianship is all secondary to her face. And you say you think like that about all other women. That's something you need help with because it's a toxic way of seeing yourself and how you interact with other women.

I wish I could think like that I really do. I think when everything goes wrong in my life I turn in on myself and hate myself. I saw the doctor last year, they wouldn’t give me anti depressants because the causes were situational rather than chemical- my parent would still be terminally ill and my child would still be violent if I was on tablets so they wouldn’t make any difference to my mood. Was referred for low level CBT which involved two hours of writing down worries and being told to have ‘worry time’ every day. I would have to go back on the waiting list for actual counselling which I fear may be equally pointless.

Hopefully your DH just wants a nice date night out with his wife and wants to listen to music he enjoys and that’s it.
But you do need to get some help for these thoughts.

I’d speak to your doctor again. Explain how it’s impacting uou, your thoughts specifically and how it’s limiting your life in terms of what you can do.

My friends and colleagues are all better looking than me I don’t treat them any differently, honestly. This singer is a very average country singer but has the Barbie look, takes close up photos of her chest on her social media etc. I don’t resent or begrudge her any of that, this isn’t personal against anyone but I think realistically her looks play a part in her success. I was watching the Brits this week and many of the big female stars - Dua Lipa, Tate McCrae, Ellie Goulding were amazing but all wore skimpy clothes and gyrated about. I don’t begrudge them their right to do that but it is hard to sometimes to separate the sexy image from the music. Same with Harry Styles undoing his top or whatever, their physical appeal is part of it.

Ok, but do you see the difference, most of us just don’t focus on that, it’s a passing thought. For you it’s the be all and end all. You even compare yourself to your colleagues. I’ve never once considered if the women I work with are better looking than me, it’s never even crossed my mind. For you it’s a key pressing thought. There is no way to think like this and come out of it feeling good. So you do need help.

Go back to your GP, and be honest. It would be fair to say that you are having intrusive thoughts that are impacting your quality of life.

This isn't to do with the size of your bum or your nose or your hair, or how beautiful a singer is or is not. This is not physical.

Oh love, you sound so sad. I don't have any useful advice (other than maybe try to be vulnerable with your DH and let him know how you're feeling so you could go out for a lovely dinner just the two of you instead?), but just wanted to offer you a huge hug and a handhold. Life sounds really tough for you but I promise, the harsh lens you view yourself with will not be what everyone sees. I know getting back on the waiting list might seem overwhelming for more (hopefully much more thorough) counselling, but you deserve a life where you don't feel like this all the time. I think it would be worth trying again

You do understand that the women enjoying Harry Styles and how he looks will still be happily going home to their husbands/ boyfriends who they love and want to be with, and who know that that is what real life is, not a performer on a stage with access to hair/makeup/fashion stylists, etc etc

I am sorry you feel like this OP.
You need to remember that all these singers are younger and have more money to spend on chefs, trainers, cosmetic surgery, stylists, so no wonder they look good. You need to be more realistic. I am sure there are people your own age and with your circumstances who wish they looked like you.
does your DH do anything to make you think this way? Does he still find your attractive? Does he ogle other women or compliment them in front of you?

I think you need to go back to the GP, and insist on more options for help. Assuming there's no back story here (Like DH openly says he fancies her, or ogles women etc), i think he just wants to see a singer he likes and have a night out with his wife? I'd really try and go, getting out and having fun may help.

I think you really need to take ownership of this problem. I have every sympathy that you’re struggling, but in the same way you would follow advice to rehab a knee injury for example, you have to take some responsibility to get in a better mental headspace.

It is completely unfair that your insecurities will impact on your H. All he wants is to enjoy a night with his wife and I think you would be completely unreasonable not to go.

I would say something like

"I really want a date night for us, to spend time together. This might sound silly but my confidence is really low right now and I'm not sure seeing a beautiful singer will help how I feel. How would you feel about doing XY or Z?"

Make suggestions that you would genuinely enjoy.... cinema? Nice dinner? Theatre show? Comedy night?