Fatal Attraction

[Momvoyage]

I think my friend’s partner and I have some sort of connection that I’m struggling to understand. I just need to get my thoughts off my chest as have no one talk to in RL.

I am happily married with a young family, good life, well set up etc. My friend has been with their partner for about 3years and seemingly also very happy. We live in different countries so haven’t spent much time together until recently. Initial meetings were nondescript and it was great to
see my friend so happy. However, I’ve just spent a week with them (in a group) and there was definitely an odd (but positive) vibe between me and the partner (let’s call them S). I don’t know if I’m crushing, S is crushing, there’s a mutual connection, or I’m just intimidating. Whatever it is it feels weird.

Early on in the week there were some great dinner conversations happening when S looked so intently into my eyes that it took my breath away and ever since then things have been awkward between us. S seems to be very shy around me, stiffens up, we both struggle to hold eye contact during conversation. S is known to be shy, as am I which doesn’t help (although initial meetings not an issue). Over the week it has became apparent we have very similar personalities, and outlook to life which I have actually found unnerving! Could we just have some unspoken connection because of our similarities? I don’t know but it’s weird and I’ve never felt like this before. I wanted to ask S if they felt something but thought that would be too awkward so
have just left it for now. I only had one crush on my life and that was my now husband. This feeling is different like a super strong connection that I cannot put my finger on. I have no intention of developing this relationship and won’t be seeing S for a while again, I just needed somewhere to write out my thoughts. Thanks for reading.

Its a crush.. it'll cause so.much heartache if you make a move..try to get down to why you arent invested in your husband instead. Spend time with him.

You're married, and an adult with young children and responsibilities. End of.
Time to grow up.

Married people are allowed to have harmless crushes on other people.

I wanted to ask S if they felt something but thought that would be too awkward so have just left it for now.

Nevermind awkward, you just don't do this, and not just for now, from here until eternity.

You're married and it's just a crush. There will always be other men you have an attraction to, but unless you really want to do something very, very stupid, you keep it to yourself.

It’s a crush. It will pass. Do not do or say anything. Avoid S.

It’s OK, we’re human after all (even married people), crushes happen. Just keep it to yourself and keep it a harmless crush (if you’re happy at home which sounds like you are). Your crush makes you human. Do NOT tell S.

Crushes happen. It’s not some ‘special sort of connection’. It’s escapism, especially when you have a young family. It’s a fantasy of ‘what if i were not toed down’. Perfectly normal.

It’s a good thing you live far away. Do not engage with it. Do NOT talk to him (or anyone) about it. You can hurt so many people, and ruin friendship - over nothing.

Okay thanks for your answers.
it makes no sense at me at all why I’m crushing on him. I never fancy anyone and wouldn’t have said I fancy him but somethings evidently got to me. Is it likely that he’s crushing too? I’m oh so confused who is sending what signals out. Rest assured I shall not be speaking a word to anyone about this. I am well aware of the consequences.

@Momvoyage

Its irrelevant if he was also crushing. He is in a fairly new relationship with your friend!

And you may have made him so uncomfortable with your ‘fatal attraction’ fantasy that he tried to avoid looking at you.

I really hope your friend was oblivious to all that… Have you for a second thought about her and her feelings????

It's possible just to have great chemistry with someone.

That doesn't mean you'd be good together, or anything like that.

Just process it and move on.

I’m not sure why any of this matters. He’s your friend’s partner. You are married. Avoid him and forget about it.

Gosh, aren’t you delightful!
yes I have fully considered everything and as stated originally I have no interest in pursuing any relationship with S. I now know that I can’t stay with her again either which I am super sad about. I never felt these vibes before and just needed somewhere to write them down. There is no need to attack me quite so viciously.

OP - I didn’t attack you. Take a breath…
You are in some lala land, wondering if your friend’s partner is lusting over you.
And you think I am delightful….
Are you always this self absorbed?

I asked about your friend simply because you did not mention her at all. It’s all about this wonderful connection you felt; and wondering about his feelings…
And I also wondered - if there was this intense chemistry with all of you staying in the same place - how she managed not to notice. Women tend to be sensitive to things like that…

@MMmomDD said nothing more than reality. Stop it, pack it in. You are with someone and this is your DFs partner. You need to grow up. It is irrelevant if they are feeling anything at all.

Just a crush. Time and distance will help. Crushes happen so don't feel bad. You're aware of the impacts of taking it further and I'd say asking him if he feels the 'connection' too would be taking it further, so it's good you didn't do that.

It's speculation whether or not it's one sided. You won't know unless you ask him and asking him is taking it too far, so I think just tell yourself whatever makes you feel better (in the absence of knowing for sure).

It will pass. Hang in there!!

In the 3 years they've been together have you met him before without the same effect? If so, it could be a response to how your life is at the moment. There's often not much passion once young DC's come on the scene. Likewise, after 3 years, perhaps the honeymoon phase wearing off is having an effect on him.

I agree with this poster, you’re in here focusing on if you fancy them and asking if they fancy you. This is your friends partner for goodness sake you’ve the hots for. You shouldn’t be thinking does he fancy me too

I only had one crush on my life and that was my now husband.

This just shows how inexperienced and naive you are.

You are being a terrible friend. Imagine you were in her shoes and she said all that nonsense you just said to your husband. By your logic it would be totally fine for her to have an intimate conversation with your husband about her feelings for him, and it’s okay, you wouldn’t need to worry because she has no intention on acting on those feelings… yeah bloody right!

I suspect there’s more to this. Your supposed friend is probably the friend whose life is always a mess and you like having them as a positive comparison to make you feel like you’ve got your life together. Now she’s only gone and found someone who makes her happy so you need to ruin that to get your status quo back. I can’t see any other reason you’d entertain such a stupidly childish and selfish idea that risks blowing up your own life and ruining your friendship to boot.

Go and figure out what your problem is. I assure you, you don’t have a connection and if he was making eyes at you then he’s an absolute waste of space, not some soul mate of yours from a cheesy movie you’ve seen too many times, just a regular cheating slime bag who treats your “friend” like crap. But maybe that’s what you want for her because you clearly don’t value her happiness.

It may be that as a shy person he was trying to use what he considers ‘normal’ amounts of eye contact (ie forcing himself to hold your gaze), got it a bit wrong/was more intense than intended, and that powerful bit of eye contact kick started your feeling that he was ‘communicating’ deep emotion or connection to you.

From then on it’s confirmation bias interpreting anything he does or doesn’t do as fuel for the fire.

Been there, ruined my life. The grass is NOT greener.

You have a good life, happy relationship and stable family unit for your children. Count your blessings.

Yes possibly deer in the headlights as he realised someone who claimed to be his partners friend had the hots for him,

I wanted to ask S if they felt something…

You must never ask him this. Doing so would be acting on your infatuation, and that would be an utter betrayal of your H and your ‘Friend.’

How would you feel if H asked another woman if she reciprocated his crush?

Is it likely that he’s crushing too? I’m oh so confused who is sending what signals out.

You want us to say that he feels an attraction/connection. We don’t know. It doesn’t matter, so stop investing in microanalyzing. Ruminating about mutual frisson and signals between you and your Friend’s Partner is disloyal and corrosive. A true friend of their relationship would not do this.

@Momvoyage, keep your distance from S before two families are destroyed.

And your friend comes in to this where?
You obviously have no respect for your friend if you're even remotely bothered about HER man fancying you. Get a grip

This feeling is different like a super strong connection that I cannot put my finger on

It is possible to have those super strong connections without it being a crush I think. I've had them a couple of times. But one was with my friends dad and one was with a woman and I'm not attracted to my friends dads or women 😂so it was less confusing and just seemed like a beautiful shared human experience! Maybe it confuses the situation if it happens with someone of the opposite sex (when you're straight) and they're around the age you'd probably date if you were single and it gets confused for a crush?

I wanted to ask S if they felt something but thought that would be too awkward so have just left it for now.

I definitely would not ask if they felt something, that would be wildly inappropriate, even if it wasn't a crush and even if they knew it wasn't a crush either. If your friend found out then it sounds like you're coming onto them and no way would they believe the super strong connection you can't put your finger on stuff!

You're flattering yourself love.