I'm in an abusive relationship, I'm trying to leave, he's covering his arse

[1970sS9fa]

I want out of this relationship, there's no love or affection
He's verbally abusive, once threatened violence
Four years, no DC, live separately
I've made a break four weeks ago, He's done all his old tricks of trying to blame me
Big over-the-phone bust up today where he accused me of all sorts because I went out with a couple of friends last night
Now He's sending me dozens of texts accusing me of stuff I haven't done, He's covering his arse to make out I'm doing something I'm not
He's a "pillar of the community" well-respected, incredibly popular man, no one will believe me if I said what he does
I'm scared of what he's going to do

What rank is he to have so much power?

Are you sure he isn’t overplaying the power he has to intimidate you into keeping quiet?

The department is Professional Standards.

If you send him a message asking him not to contact you again and he does, it’s harassment. That’s a crime and you can report it. You can also report other abuse but that would be a clear line that he had crossed.

You’ve done the right thing by ending it. Now it’s just making sure he can’t keep on with this. 🌷

Walk into a different police station. Insist on making a statement.. He isn't above the law..

Tbh if anything he's even more vulnerable because if it gets out he's up to this shit it'll be a shit storm for him at work.

So he has to act like an extra special blowhard trying to convince you that he has all the power. When the truth is, you hold all the cards.

Tell him 'never contact me again'. Screenshot his having read the message. Screenshot his past messages. If he finds a way to harass you further, report him to another police station.

I'd bet lots of his colleagues hate him tbh. They'll be happy to take him down. But probably best to report elsewhere if possible.

Stop receiving his calls, and messages. Block his phone number. If he contacts you on social media, block. If he find another way to contact you, tell him ONCE that if he contacts you again you will apply for a non-mol order and contact the police for advice.
You're catastrophising slightly as there is nothing to prevent you from cutting contact. No need for him to prove why he's in the right and no need for you to prove he's in the wrong.
He's an arsehole, it's why you dumped him. He's not suddenly going to be not-an-arsehole because you're no longer with him. Arseholes engage in arseholery. It's not news to you. You're done with him. So be done with him.

Thank you everyone, I've pressed thanks on loads, but I've just gone back and pressed again, I hope it's showing as it wasn't, thank you everyone
Currengly at 26 messages from him, I've not read
I know I should block, but, there's these 26 plus earlier rantings that I can use when I need to, there'll be more later too
It's horrible

I'd call the 101 (or is it 111? The police one) and tell them what's happening. So there's record.

Then I'd send

'You've now sent me 26 messages. It'd harassment and you should know, thats illegal. Do not contact me again. Ever'.

Then block (Make sure you have message screenshot of it all). Or don't block but maybe put that phone in a drawer and don't check it. Just get a new phone.

Make sure you've changed your locks even if hes never had a key. If you haven't then leave your key in and slightly twisted in your locks until you can get them changed.

I'd also maybe speak with the national stalking helpline for advice if you feel hes hanging around in any way.

Save all the texts and messages, block and report him to the police. I know he's in the police but that's not a reason not to report. In fact it's more of a reason.

Just block him.

He has no power. Far from it.

I'd report him so it's logged. Even if nothing comes from it you could be protecting the next victim.

You have to contact Women's Aid and get their support. They will support you to get this properly dealt with by the Police.

You can block him & the texts just move to the blocked section of the text app, you just don't have to read them unless you look in that specific section.

Don’t report to a different force, they’ll just transfer it back to the force where it occurred.

You do need to block him but I would advise making it clear by text first that your relationship is over and you wish for him to stop contacting you. Screenshot those messages. Then block him. Any further contact, if you haven’t already reported to the police, definitely do it if he recontacts you. Try ringing 101 and asking for professional standards or doing a web chat so you have a record of the conversation that took place. Or do both. The police are trying to repair reputations damage so if he has committed an offence then it will be investigated, if it is not then that is the point you can complain about the police process.

Dont wait for him to keep messaging you before you block him. You’re just fucking with your own head there.

Please don't be embarrassed you've not done anything wrong and friends should help when things are tough. The more you tell people, the less power he has.

He should be embarrassed not you.

Us at Womens Aid believe you. Please give us a ring

Then seek legal advice

The thing is, OP, is he is relying on you not talking to your friends about this. Could you book an appointment with a lawyer and talk to them? You could show them the texts and explain the situation.

Are you from that area and do you really want to stay there? I know you shouldn't have to but if you ever do want to move away now might be the time.

Even if you had a new boyfriend who picked you up, how can he justify bullying you like this?

And how does he know you were out with a couple of friends last night, why are you sharing this information with him if you're so scared of him?

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Have you got anyone IRL who can help you through this?

My first thought is are you safe? You say you are living separately, which is great, but does he have access to your home? How secure is your property? If you feel it could be better, are you private rent/owning or housing association? If the latter, you may be able to report to them and ask for a home safety check. The police can also refer you for one.

I'm an ex police officer. I'll be the first to concede the police have not exactly inspired confidence recently, particularly among women. However, there have been some changes made which will hopefully reassure you. In my old force, if you made a report of domestic abuse and said the perpetrator was a serving officer, it would immediately be flagged for consultation with professional standards. It's actually very hard for officers to silence complaints by pulling in favours from colleagues because everything is set up to work outside that. Sadly, I've had several occasions where I worked with PSD to arrange the arrest of a colleague accused of domestic abuse. That won't stop perpetrators from telling you their position means you won't be believed of course...

One of the ways abuse keeps people powerless is because of the mental headspace it consumes. The only thing that should be bothering you about his messages is whether or not they indicate he is a threat towards you. You do not have to justify your actions or clear your name to him. You'll never be able to anyway because he's not interested in the truth only in using whatever circumstances he can to keep you under his control. He may well try the "I cant help myself , I just care for you so much, I know it's wrong, I'll change but I need you to help support me" angle next. If that doesn't work the threats may increase so you're best off not playing the 'game' with him and nipping it in the bud now by reporting him and refusing to engage. However, please make sure you are keeping yourself safe. I don't want to alarm you at all but trying to end a relationship with an abusive man is when they're most likely to turn violent.

Good luck.

He is most likely telling you that you won’t be believed to keep you down. In a police force someone I know works in any reports of domestic abuse are dealt with by the specialist domestic abuse department along with professional standards. If he works in one of these departments then you should be able to find another high up officer from a different department and contact them to ask for help.

So, let's look at this logically. Even if you DID break up with him, walk out of his house, and get picked up by another man who you then went home with for hot monkey sex....

... how does that make him sending you streams of abusive messages okay?

You are falling into the classic trap that narcissistic-type people are so good at setting. You are almost justifying his upset because he believes you did something wrong. But a) you didn't do it and b) even if you did do it, it doesn't justify this behaviour.

You need to get someone else to read these messages, screenshot them, and then block him on everything. You are not tied to him so there is nothing he can do. I the is threatening to frame you for a crime, then even more so, save those messages.