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Original poster

DH ignoring his ED

45 replies

Miaowmoo · 03/03/2024 15:41

Im 39, hes 53. Together for 17 years, married for 10.

In recent years we’ve both been a lot busier with work, difficult teens, etc. There’s been a lot of “life” thrown our way - bereavements, illnesses etc - and we’ve lost really spending any quality time together. He works 6 days a week (long hours) and I’m picking up the slack at home as well as working, so we are both tired and over worked. We have a disabled DC who manages well day to day, but hospital visits and appointments take up a lot of time.

In the past couple of years sex has dwindled off to the point where it’s once every couple of months. And 50% of those times, he just can’t stay hard.

But here’s the issue - he won’t talk about it (he isn’t a talker and gets very defensive or accuses me of putting pressure on him when I try and talk to him about other issues). This one he just ignores totally and pretends it hasn’t happened, then goes to sleep. I’ve asked him if there is anything wrong and he just says “I don’t know”.

Any advice on where to go from here - I don’t want this to be my life! I miss sex and I keep thinking if I left him I’d at least have some shot at a sex life…

OP posts:
AnaMelonBanana · 03/03/2024 15:48

One word: viagra. It’s really not that complicated. No side effects, safe as can be. He’ll get and stay hard, problem solved.
(I wish it was this easy for women when we need help, with anything. But hey-ho)

Sunflower8848 · 03/03/2024 15:48

ED? Eating Disorder?

MMmomDD · 03/03/2024 15:53

Not sure what you can do of he doesn’t want to deal with it.
It’s not entirely unexpected in his age group. Many of my friends dating men this age report that it’s really common.

Couldn’t help but notice that you are only two years older than he was when he met you. And you were really young.
So many 22-23yo come on MN and ask about age gap relationships with nearly 40yos. And are told that age differences catch up with you later in life. But i guess at that age it’s hard to imagine….

You are still way too young for a man with ED. Life is too short.

Isthiscorrect · 03/03/2024 15:57

Sunflower8848 · 03/03/2024 15:48

ED? Eating Disorder?

Erectile dysfunction according to the adverts on tv.

Original poster
Miaowmoo · 03/03/2024 16:01

He has high BP so I don’t even know if viagra is an option.

There is an age difference yes - but I’d feel the same if I was ten years older im sure!

OP posts:
Hoosemover · 03/03/2024 16:30

”Great sex at 50” by Tracy Cox is worth a read.
she has a chapter on having sex without an erection.

LivelyLemonDuck · 03/03/2024 16:43

If you can afford it leave.
The worst part is he wont discuss or get help. I get it's sensitive but you are his partner of nearly 2 decades, like the ED must be a drop in the ocean of issues between you. Meanwhile i really recommend clit sucker toys and glass dildos.

MMmomDD · 03/03/2024 16:49

OP - you have no idea what you’d feel like if you were his age and menopausal. Maybe the same, maybe not.
The point I was making was that you are facing the exact issues people in age gap relationships face - when age catches up with the man. High blood pressure, ED - is not uncommon in his age group.
Probably what people warned you about when you were 22yo and dating a nearly 40yo.

You can’t do much about it now. Stay and adjust to life with no sex. Or leave.

honeyandfizz · 03/03/2024 16:53

MMmomDD · 03/03/2024 15:53

Not sure what you can do of he doesn’t want to deal with it.
It’s not entirely unexpected in his age group. Many of my friends dating men this age report that it’s really common.

Couldn’t help but notice that you are only two years older than he was when he met you. And you were really young.
So many 22-23yo come on MN and ask about age gap relationships with nearly 40yos. And are told that age differences catch up with you later in life. But i guess at that age it’s hard to imagine….

You are still way too young for a man with ED. Life is too short.

Patronising much? My older DH is 57 and has no issues with ED. If he won't approach a GP then you are left with what you have got sadly.

LivelyLemonDuck · 03/03/2024 16:54

Well we are seeing younger men with ED from all that drinking and porn and hook up websites are full of 50 something men looking for sex because their similarly aged wife has gone off sex with menopause.
The issue isnt his ED its his lack of communication and proactiveness, selfishness and disregard to op. Those are issues regardless of age gap.

Catopia · 03/03/2024 17:07

From the post - and I'm sorry if I'm wrong - it looks like you are trying to talk to him about it in the moment. That's not going to go down well. Need to try to talk about it with him some other time when you're not in bed together. You're not going to get a good responsive out of him when he's likely disappointed/embarrassed/frustrated in the moment, and trying to have these conversations with him when it goes wrong may well add to the performance anxiety over the situation.

perfectcolourfound · 03/03/2024 17:14

I was waiting for the postss saying 'well you married an older man, what did you expect?', But as I'm sure the op knows, ED isnt' normal in 53 year old men. And you would feel the same if you were 10 years older I'm sure. And he can do something about it, so I understand your frustration.

tryingtohelp82 · 03/03/2024 17:52

Why on earth did you get together with someone 14 years older??

josuk · 03/03/2024 20:32

OP - I think you are totally in your right to go and find yourself a 24yo with a functioning libido and equipment.

It really bugs me when men feel this entitled to go after really young women; benefit from their youth for years; etc - and then turn into old grumps and don’t do their bit.

Marrying a younger woman does come with a price - one needs to make more effort. And certainly at not such an old age as 53.

OP is years away from menopause. And yes - it’s true that in late 40s-early 50s many women might not have minded not having much sex - ( @perfectcolourfound - you probably don’t know many women in that age, and menopause complicates sex drive/enjoyment for many) - but OP is not in that age group.

And it is equally true that lots more men over 50 have ED problem than younger men - but again - HE signed up for being with a younger woman. He does not get to not engage in conversations about their sex lives.
He is completely ignoring her needs - and that is unacceptable!

frozendaisy · 03/03/2024 20:39

ED can indicate that there is a heart problem he needs to see his GP.

AfterTheWatershed · 03/03/2024 21:11

If he won’t communicate at all, how about getting him some literature on the issue or just go to a chemist and get him some viagra for easter.

Fs365 · 03/03/2024 21:24

Miaowmoo · 03/03/2024 16:01

He has high BP so I don’t even know if viagra is an option.

There is an age difference yes - but I’d feel the same if I was ten years older im sure!

The high BP might be triggering the ED - most regular ED meds will help lower his BP - but needs a GP appointment if taking Alpha Blockers

jsku · 03/03/2024 21:38

It’s pointless problem-solving why he may have ED. It’s missing the main issue - Op’s H is not willing to engage on the issue.
He doesn’t seem to care about his health OR the needs of his W.

Why she needs to treat him like a child and try to entice him to see a doctor is beyond me.
He is a grown man. And he either needs to act or not be surprised when she leaves him.

MILTOBE · 03/03/2024 21:40

He needs to see a doctor and to be absolutely frank with him/her. You deserve better than a man who's putting his health and your well being at risk.

DustyLee123 · 03/03/2024 21:43

If he’s not going to do anything about it, you need to decide what you want to do. Believe me, resentment will set in.

IgoogledYOLO · 03/03/2024 21:52

I'm with frozen.
I saw an advert on a pharmacy TV while waiting for a prescription.
It pointed out that the blood vessels in the heart are similar size (maybe slightly bigger) than those used in erections. If he has a condition affecting the blood vessels then his heart could be next.

He needs to go to the GP for wider health checks in case it is a symptom of something else.

Davros · 03/03/2024 23:15

Woah on the suggesting Viagra. It turned my DH into a sex pest, it doesn't just give them a hard on, it makes them very horny. No thanks

LizzieSiddal · 03/03/2024 23:19

As others have said he definitely needs to go and see a Dr. He needs a heart check up if he has ED.

bornak · 03/03/2024 23:21

Davros · 03/03/2024 23:15

Woah on the suggesting Viagra. It turned my DH into a sex pest, it doesn't just give them a hard on, it makes them very horny. No thanks

The problem wasn't the drugs...

Jelliclecats · 04/03/2024 00:50

@Miaowmoo could you try suggesting it’s time he (or you both) have health checks? I told my DP I’d like him to have a full mot this month as he hasn’t had one for a while (he’s 68) and he accepted that he was due one.

Re the ED…all I can say is age has made my DP not as able to stay fully hard the entire time but sex is still amazing, he orgasms 8 out of 10 times, and we are generally intimate every couple of days. Neither of us feel any need for Viagra. I make it clear I fancy the pants off him so his confidence doesn’t take too much of a battering when it doesn’t work.

Could you discuss trying different positions? Is it quantity or quality that you’d like to improve or both? I think it’s time you had a loving chat about the bedroom - you both deserve to have as much happiness there as possible and sometimes that needs some work.

Oh and ignore the nasty ageist comments.