DH ignoring his ED

[Miaowmoo]

Im 39, hes 53. Together for 17 years, married for 10.

In recent years we’ve both been a lot busier with work, difficult teens, etc. There’s been a lot of “life” thrown our way - bereavements, illnesses etc - and we’ve lost really spending any quality time together. He works 6 days a week (long hours) and I’m picking up the slack at home as well as working, so we are both tired and over worked. We have a disabled DC who manages well day to day, but hospital visits and appointments take up a lot of time.

In the past couple of years sex has dwindled off to the point where it’s once every couple of months. And 50% of those times, he just can’t stay hard.

But here’s the issue - he won’t talk about it (he isn’t a talker and gets very defensive or accuses me of putting pressure on him when I try and talk to him about other issues). This one he just ignores totally and pretends it hasn’t happened, then goes to sleep. I’ve asked him if there is anything wrong and he just says “I don’t know”.

Any advice on where to go from here - I don’t want this to be my life! I miss sex and I keep thinking if I left him I’d at least have some shot at a sex life…

@bornak you mean my irresistibility? 😹
Seriously though, it gets talked about as if it's a wonderful solution for both men and women, and maybe it can be, but the potential negative effects on women, having to be always willing and able for sex, is just passed over with a nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

i think that’s a tad unfair, if the guy has been diagnosed with High BP ( and is taking medication for it) , then he is looking after health as untreated hypertension in anyone can cause lots of serious health issues inc stroke, heart failure, eye disease etc

@Fs365

I’ll rephrase - OP’s H seems to only care about some his own health - medal coming his way for id’ing and taking high blood pressure meds.

As per OP’s posts - he completely avoids discussion about their sex life and has done nothing about his ED.

When she leaves him - it should not come as a surprise. He may have decided he is done with sex at 53. But she is way too young for that…

Better?

I think it's not safe if you have heart conditions or are on blood pressure meds which many older men may be on

Why so hostile. My dh is in his early 60s. Is on heart meds. Zero issues with ED. Sex is still bangin'. You seem to want to be doing some big 'told ya so' thing for some weird reason

It's 14 years not 44 years ffs.

Have you tried talking to him at other times, not just right after it has happened? What about being direct, rather than generally asking if anything is wrong?

Do you think you could say to him, look I'm worried about our sex life and how we are avoiding talking about it. I'm also worried about your health and whether this is affecting your erection. Can we talk this through?

Incredibly predictable how many people bang on about a woman's sexual NEEDS but when it's a man struggling with his menopausal wife not wanting sex suddenly 'sex is nooootttt a neeeeeeeddd'

No experience with viagra but I've seen it said a lot that viagra doesn't actually make men horny at all, all it does is make them erect when they are already aroused.
I think there's other drugs that can help with arousal but not viagra.
Sounds like your DH was just blaming it on the viagra!

You’re assuming that the most important thing in a marriage is the sex. For some people, it really isn’t!

If he won't do anything, then you have two choices...

1. Leave
2. Accept a sexless relationship for the rest of his life.

Leaving may seem harsh but he is a man who with the life experience of 37 years, had the arrogance and selfishness to date a 23 year old woman. He reaps what he sows.
Would you date a 25 year old now op? Probably not, because you'd recognise it would be unfair of you to do so.

All the people with a fantastic long lasting relationship with a large age gap laughing at your bizarre judgement

@Voone
"No experience with viagra but I've seen it said a lot that viagra doesn't actually make men horny at all, all it does is make them erect when they are already aroused.
I think there's other drugs that can help with arousal but not viagra.
Sounds like your DH was just blaming it on the viagra!"
Well, they would say that 😉 I'm not convinced! I wonder how much research has been done, I must confess I haven't looked into it

Exactly.. what a cretin.

Just checking that he hasn't started to use porn? My ex was all over me and then ED became an issue. He stayed up later and later, saying he had insomnia and the ED was because of his antidepressants. It turned out he was on porn downstairs and liking online pictures instead of coming to bed. I thought I should mention it as you might be able to reverse things.

Viagra was initially developed as a blood pressure medication. It's fine for patients with hypertension.

What's more concerning is that ED can be a warning sign of vascular disease. Does he get medical care for the BP?

This is correct. Viagra will not improve libido other than possibly by lowering anxiety about ED.

There are a lot of medications that lower libido, but the only treatment I can think of for increasing it is testosterone supplementation if his T levels are abnormally low.

Men who have benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH), a noncancerous enlargement of the prostate, may also experience erectile dysfunction and ejaculatory problems.

Physical issues like heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes, obesity, and smoking can all cause erectile dysfunction. On the other hand, depression, anxieties, stress, relationship problems, and other mental health concerns can also interfere with sexual feelings.