How do you know when you're ready to date again?

[SoftFluffySocks]

My ex and I broke up about a year ago but still live together and will do until divorce is finalised for another 6ish months. We have two kids.

I'm already starting to think about dating, but I wouldn't do it until I have moved out. And I would not be introducing dates or boyfriends to my children, and I probs don't want to live with a man until kids have grown up and left home.

But there's a part of me that says no it is way way too soon. And that I should give myself at least a year of being single in my new home.

Since we broke up I have been working on my social life, new hobbies and progressing in my career so I feel like I am in a good place. It's actually been lovely to have this time still living together to come to terms with the divorce without the stress of splitting our finances and moving out all at the same time.

I have this constant inner battle bewteen looking forward to dating when I move out and thinking that that is a stupid, unhealthy idea.

How do I know when I'm ready?

How do you know when it's right for you to do anything? How do you decide whether it's the right time to go to the cinema, for example? Or have an ice cream? How do you know whether to have a flake in it? Or what film to choose?

It took me 5 years before I decided I wanted to date again but sadly I have my kids full time so I haven’t been able to so 7 years later I’m still single!

If I moved out, it would probably be once I started feeling more settled in the new house/flat. It usually takes me a few weeks to feel settled in, and I'm getting used to things like where the shops are and the best route home and whether i want that cupboard there or over there - and that all takes some mental energy. When I've had a break from dating, I usually find I start looking before I try to match with anyone.

@Watchkeys I guess specifically I'm asking how will I know that I am ready enough to trust that if I date someone that's not right for me that I will be able to recognise it and get out of it. And for that to happen I know I need to lead a full and happy life. But how happy can I be without being in a relationship?

@TheMushroomFamily sorry to hear that.

@EBearhug yeah I think it will take me a while together settled. And all the settling stuff will be time & energy consuming.

I started dating again when I started fancying men again :D
Was not looking for anything long-term, which made it easy to end things if the man was not what I wanted.

But how happy can I be without being in a relationship

Find out before dating. This is how to make sure you only keep dating the right people. Single life that you love is something you won't let go of, whereas single life that you're not happy with might lead you to try all kind of dodgy dates, just to escape the singledom.

@Watchkeys exactly so the fact that I'm looking forward to dating indicates that I need to work on being completely fulfilled without a relationship. But then how would I ever get into another relationship again...as the only way I would meet someone is online dating as I don't meet people through my work. Online dating is so intentional. How can I be intentional and be completely fulfilled in my life. I think there must have to be some slight overlay between the two otherwise I would be single for the rest of my life.

I agree either this. Dating is there to enhance my life, not replace it. I made a rule before I started that dates do not take priority over existing activities (exercise, evening class,) and friends. They will all still be there whether a date goes on to be a relationship or not, and they deserve my attention just as much, if not more. Plus a decent date will want me to have various friends and interests (as I expect them to have, too,) so it would be a big red flag if they got all huffy an jealous about it. If they're worth it, in time, we'd get to meet each other's friends and family. Most don't get that far.

Nobody is completely fulfilled. Many of the happiest people are happy because they're chasing goals, because they don't have everything they want. It's not about being completely fulfilled. You can look forward to stuff if you are already happy.

What are you interested in? Why can't you meet other people who are interested in those things?

@EBearhug yes. I have pilates class once a week. I have a craft club once a fortnight. I will have my kids the majority of time and I have stuff that I want to do with my child free time like seeing friends, doing training to progress my career. So the most time I can give a relationship is a couple of evenings every fortnight and the occasional Sunday daytime.

@Watchkeys craft club is a closed group. Pilates...I don't really want to meet people there I go for the exercise, not many new people go to it anyway. I'm self employed so wouldn't meet anyone through that.

Well, if you've time to spare for a relationship, you can do something new. What does your dream guy do for a hobby? Try doing that. Spend time where the people you would like to meet spend time.

I agree that it's better to Lear to be happy single first as 1) the reality is that I can be slim pickings out there especially as someone with kids . It's important to understand that you can be happier single than with the wrong person . Apart from that set your standards high , don't take it all too seriously and you'll know when you're ready

I'd say if you are questioning whether you are ready you aren't.

I find this quite interesting. It's sensible advice. Yet. What if you've been in a loveless relationship for a long time and your friends have pretty much fucked off. What if you want sex and attention and love and possibility? Why does everyone have to be fixed and perfect? I don't think anyone is ready to date... it's exciting and awful in equal measure. What if you're lonely and you've tried so hard to make new friends but the reality of your age means it's easier to get a date with a fellow divorcee?

I don't think it's binary. Just date. And then don't. And then date some more.

You'll know when it's time, if you're asking then you aren't there yet.

Totally agree with this

I couldn’t even fathom dating anyone for years after my ex. It had been so abusive and toxic I thought it was best not to trust myself with men again.
I eventually started to fancy guys and flirt when out socialising. It dawned on me that I was in a good place. I randomly bumped into my now SH and there were sparks flying. I was different though and unwilling to jeopardise my happiness and more importantly my DC happiness by settling for just anyone.
I am happy and was happy single. I was not happy when in a relationship that was wrong for me but I hadn’t been happy when I met him. I just wanted someone as I thought I wasn’t good enough to get someone.

I'm in a pretty identical situation OP but slightly further along: Moved into new home with kids last December. XP moved out of my place in September. We co-parent amicably. Our relationship was largely dead for a while, so I feel ready on some ways to meet someone, but I also can't envisage it and I have the kids most of the time. It's hard to know when would be right.

You won't know you're ready until you try.

I've been in a similar boat. Broke up with ex last year. Didn't feel anywhere near ready until after Christmas. Then put it off for a while dithering about. I took the plunge a few weeks ago. I will be honest it has been more successful at making me appreciate my single life than finding anything close to a relationship! I've encountered a lot of men I don't want and it has shown me that I am not prepared to give up the life I have right now for them.

Give it a go. The worst thing that will happen is that you are still single and living the life you already have.

But how happy can I be without being in a relationship?

when you don’t need to ask this question you’ll be ready.

I loved living alone - give yourself time to get used to it & enjoy it.

I met my husband one week after saying out loud (& meaning it) ‘I’m just really happy single & I can’t be bothered to even think about men or dating’ then BAM.

I was 4 years into my separation with my ex H and we were still living under the same roof. The 4th year of this I started to feel good about myself, got my confidence back, had started going to the gym and invested in a PT. I stayed going out with work colleagues/ friends and I was getting asked out by younger guys .. was nice to be chatted up but not for me. So I dipped my toes into online dating. You are 100% correct as it’s intentional. So my tip to you is be selective and decide what kind of man you want. For me it was a man that would have kids and not want more. My reasoning was that I had kids and it was important my partner would be on same page as me and understand my kids come first. So 9 months into dating online met my partner, we’ve been together almost 4 years and I love him dearly ( and fancy him so much). Took it very slow and he only met my kids 2 years into relationship. My kids are 12 and 17 now so it was important as they wrote older that I only did this when I was 100. Good luck and sorry for the long story but hope it helps x

Meant 100% not 100! Im
not that old lol x

@Secondstart1001 yes I definitely don't want anymore kids and I couldn't imagine being with a childless man so my criteria will be the same as yours. I know I'm not interested in anything casual, I'd rather be single than that.

@Pepsimaxedout well I feel like the worst thing that could happen is that I end up in a relationship that's not great and somehow not realise it.

@opentoadvice88 yeah, that's how I'd imagine it to be. How did you meet though?

Honestly you discount a whole wave of men by saying you wouldn't consider a childless man (and I hate it when people are referred to as childless like it's something to be ashamed of). They could be without children for many reasons and could make a great step father. I know many men without children who have turned into the most amazing stepdad's better than the child's biological Dad's in all cases.