So fed up of Dh disagreeing with me

[Instantcustard]

Hello. We've been married 20 years and he's always been a bit like this but it's getting ridiculous. He can't NOT disagree wth me and, to a lesser extent, the kids. Two examples: I say "this orange is bitter". He says no, it's not it's fine (he's not eating it!!) A few months ago, our upstairs neighbours' pipe burst and water started leaking through our ceiling. I told him and he said "no, it's not ". Took me ages to convince him to look and take me seriously.

Seems ridiculous but he responds like this to almost everything I say. It's so tiring as I have to spend ages convincing him that I know something. Lately I've just given up telling him things but that feels rather lonely. I have asked him so many times to try not to do it but nothing works.

It sounds ridiculous written down but I can't explain how disheartening it is when it happens dozens of times a day. Any tips?

Same

Mine is also like that sometimes. We had a faulty shower and I told him about it. Twice he went in the shower and then it cut out like I said it was doing! Suddenly it was a problem that needed to be sorted out immediately 😅. So he did manage to change it ASAP when it affected him personally 😳
So now when something needs fixing I mention it and then when he says otherwise..
I simply say this is the shower thing all again. It works and then it's all sorted out😂
He hates me pointing out that he is wrong

I completely get this, and I don't even know where it comes from. The only place I can think of is "over-familiarity breeds contempt", and "grumpy old men" Would they challenge their mates down the pub if they said "this is this", probably not. I would call him out on this specific issue for your children who don't deserve having their opinions and facts dismissed. Because the smallest of things can start the mother of all rows, I have started passively agreeing for the small things "Yeah, actually, I think you could be right" - my thinking being, if you think 2+2 equals 5, then you knock yourself out, I am done with arguing about nothing. I only stick to my guns if it is an important matter.

Woman know your place! Which clearly is not with him 💐

I think this is a bizarre phenomenon linked to male arrogance and a truly held belief that men are more capable and important than women. Ergo, women are not to be listened to as they’re silly, dramatic and don’t understand how anything works.

I’ve encountered it several times in life, and it is insidious in men of a certain age in my profession. It’s also becoming more common in younger men. It would be hilarious how easy they are to make ‘perform’ these constant disagreements, were it not so fucking bleak. Spending time handing arses on plates to men is bleak.

That really resonates here. I don’t have any answers though.

And it’s definitely something that has come on over time. I worry he’s turning into Victor Meldrew because he’s getting grumpy too.

This bit is sad, but I know what you mean. Lately I've just given up telling him things but that feels rather lonely.. If I don’t want an argument then I am tempted just to be quiet. But I think that might be self defeating. At the moment I am trying to tackle it with humour.

Ask yourself why you would choose to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't value you or even seem to like you very much.

Fuck that.

Just point it out to him every time as well as pointing out to him that you've been right every time and ask what's making him do this as it's boring now.

Sorry to hear others have the same problem! Thanks for the advice. I agree about it being a male arrogance thing. He has always been unable to say "I don't know ". It's bizarre because of course, nobody always knows the answer to a question but he'd rather make something up than say he doesn't know. It's caused endless problems tbh. I think my ability to laugh it off is lessening - I wish I could but it's just so damn wearying. Every conversation is an effort.

Mine did this regularly. I think it was by disregard ingredients things then he didn't need to fix it , organise it or attend to it. The amount of stuff that finally got sorted when he was gone! Totally draining isn't it like trying to coax a reluctant teen .

Why would you laugh this off? He's a bully. Your relationship with him is my idea of a fucking nightmare. The constant mini-battles and toxicity is untenable, and such a terrible example to your kids. I grew up with friends whose parents shared this dynamic, and it honestly scarred their lives. They all grew up having no clue what a healthy relationship looked like.

I was absolutely convinced that our washing machine had been plumbed in wrongly, with the hot and cold feed swapped over. For years I gave examples and evidence but no, I was wrong.

Oh the sweet day when the machine started leaking and the plumber laughed and said do you know your hot and cold feed are mixed up?

I nearly kissed him.

Some people are like this with everyone, but some men are like this with their wives because women's opinion is considered on par, perhaps even less valuable, than that of a 2 year old.

If they're like this with everyone, it's because they don't want to, or don't want to take-on any sense of discomfort whatsoever. People like that are often either neurotic, selfish, or both. When they're presented with a problem, their first reaction is to bury their heads in their sand and pretending the problem doesn't exist, for as long as possible.

This is to the point that they are willing to deny reality, willing to overwrite your reality, in order to achieve this. They don't want to engage with you because that would involve placing themselves in a position of anxiety, discomfort, and shock horror, actually having to offer you emotional support or sort something out.

@EarthSight I get your point but he does it even with the most inconsequential things too!

Yes. My dad was like this to my mum too. Why couldn't I see it clearly before???

I had this with my unloved ex-H.

I tested it three times, once I realised what was going on. I suggested doing something in the house, and he said No, because of this, this and this. So I gave it some time and then suggested we shouldn't do what I'd originally suggested. He said No, we need to do it because of this, this and this.

I tried it on three separate issues and confirmed he was negating everything simply because I'd said it, reversing his own position.

After 12 years it was intensely destructive to confidence and belief in myself. He shut down every time I tried to make conversation too. In the end I just said Yes to whatever he said, it wasn't worth having my own opinion.

Im not sure my confidence will ever recover.

I sincerely hope it's not that bad for you @Instantcustard

But my advice is get out. It's like a breath of fresh air when you say something and the other person actually responds reasonably and isn't taking out their need to be passive aggressive on you.

Yes. My dad was like this to my mum too. Why couldn't I see it clearly before???

Patterns laid down in childhood go very, very, very deep. My father sneered at everything I said and negated it after he remarried when I was in my teens. Despite a lot of therapy, I still went and married a highly dismissive, passive aggressive man. facepalm

It can be. An arrogant man I knew, when presented with new information or opinion, would say 'probably' as a response.

He didn't want to disagree, because then that would place him in a position where he might have to explain why and argue a point (which would require some knowledge of the subject matter). However, he didn't want to lower himself to admitting he was actually surprised at the new information or opinion either (because his ego didn't like that) , so he would say 'probably' instead so he could appear somewhat sagely knowledgeable on matters....when actually he didn't have a bloody clue.

This is gaslighting and abusive. Telling you you are wrong about your own thoughts and feelings is designed to chip away at your self worth.

No loving husband would do this. Dump him!

My dh does this sometimes ithinkj he does it when he doesn't know the answer or doesn't want to do the thing we are discussing. So a delaying tactic?

Obviously you can call him out on it. I sometimes say the opposite to what I think so when he opts for the other side I just agree that with him.

For him to disagree with the taste of something you are eating is just nuts! My dh is inclined to think he knows better than me at times, but this is another level. I don't think I could stand it.

He sounds awful. Does he also do the man checking thing when you say something which is a fact and then he gets his phone out and checks it? That is incredibly annoying and I don't think they do it to other men. Or to women they fancy.

I started a similar thread on this in the week - but I identified myself too much and asked for it to be deleted.

With me, it's my BIL, not a partner. It's massively annoying but at least I don't live with it every day. I think with my BIL it's a superiority thing- trying to keep me in my place. As well as taking the opposite view to everything I say he goes on about me not being married (so I am inferior person, obvs).

He doesn't do it to other people, just me (as far as I know).

I don't really have any advice for you but just wanted to say I feel your pain. It's really irritating behaviour.

Mine will never say “I don’t know” and also would rather make something up. Also disagrees a lot with me about the most minor thing and is generally a know-it-all. I can’t be arsed with most of it anymore. The best is a game show - he guesses the answers but not in a guessing way - he’ll say I know this and get it wrong a lot! Is hilarious really. Or repeat something I said or he heard on the news to someone else like he’s always known it!

It is entirely predictable that your children will go on to find themselves in the same type of relationship you're in. Want better for them and yourself. They need to learn from you that this is not acceptable. It's bullying and it's abuse.