So fed up of Dh disagreeing with me

[Instantcustard]

Hello. We've been married 20 years and he's always been a bit like this but it's getting ridiculous. He can't NOT disagree wth me and, to a lesser extent, the kids. Two examples: I say "this orange is bitter". He says no, it's not it's fine (he's not eating it!!) A few months ago, our upstairs neighbours' pipe burst and water started leaking through our ceiling. I told him and he said "no, it's not ". Took me ages to convince him to look and take me seriously.

Seems ridiculous but he responds like this to almost everything I say. It's so tiring as I have to spend ages convincing him that I know something. Lately I've just given up telling him things but that feels rather lonely. I have asked him so many times to try not to do it but nothing works.

It sounds ridiculous written down but I can't explain how disheartening it is when it happens dozens of times a day. Any tips?

My only solution is never live with a partner, that way you can control and limit the extent to which they are able to mess with your head.

My DH can be a bit like this. Not about practical stuff like broken showers or leaking roofs.
But on things that require opinions, like political stuff or what type of carpet to buy. I don’t really know why he does it. It does sometimes feel like he’s just disagreeing with me for the sake of it. Sometimes he likes to push me think my ideas through. He does stop if I get cross! And he does usually recognise when it’s important to me for him to see my point of view and support it.

Anything that needs fixing i just get on and do it myself.
Wire the cooker in/ fix the washing machine in /do all my own DIY myself.
In the next few months im re-decorating my whole flat and then im restoring my floorboards I can't wait to use a huge sander.😀
I new nothing of the things i do now but got fed up years ago having to keep asking can you fix that can you pleased get that done.

So i learned and became single.

My husband who has narcissistic personality disorder does this. If I say "water is wet" he will immediately disagree and want an argument about it. He will also never say that he doesn't know something and makes a lot of stuff up. Most memorably, the last time I told him I wanted us to get divorced, he told me the law is on his side, because it was me that wanted to get divorced. Total crap, conveniently forgetting he was the one who had committed adultery.

Anyhoo, now I'm trying to pluck up the courage again to tell him I want a divorce :-)

good luck @Turtletunes Life the other side will be unrecognisably better.

How come he got a diagnosis? People with NPD very rarely go for help, they're perfect as they are.

I work for an arrogant man like this - such a know-it-all. Remote only thank goodness. We are physically far away from each other.

I can't tell him anything because he already knows everything so there can't possibly be anything for me to tell him. He rejects everything I say, even if it is personal to me - like he is the authority on me, my life, my location.

I just think in my head, It could be worse - he has a wife who probably gets it too and much worse.

Have you talked to him about it op? If so what did he say? Is he aware he does it? I feel like his response / awareness when pulled up about it is key thing here. As it's not one, but if he knows he does it and wts to change then it poss salvageable but if not then I don't know how you deal with it tbh.

This. ^

Upshot it @Instantcustard men do NOT like being told what to do, or being proven wrong, and they especially HATE it when women are right, and know something/about certain things better than them. My DH is the same, although he is not so bad now.

Some years ago, I used to think of a good idea and turn the conversation around, so that he would think HE had thought of it. Also, I would tell him an idea, and say that Dave or Steve at work had suggested it. If he thought a MAN had thought of something, he was more keen. Could never admit a WOMAN had had a good idea! 😬

Similarly, I used to do something, like the garden borders and planters, or make something (crafting) for our DC, or write a few short stories, and he would never EVER EVER compliment it. Always had something negative to say about everything I did/made.

Same with making meals/cooking, 4 out of 5 times he would say something negative. It's a bit cold/hard/runny/hot/dry etc etc etc. Until this one time when I took his plate and threw everything off it in the wheelie bin. He was like and said 'what the fuck did you do that for?' I said 'well that's the 27th time in about 4 months that you have slagged off what I have cooked you, so my cooking is clearly not good enough, so cook your own fucking meals.'

2 months it was before I started making his meals again. Made mine and the kids but made him get his own. When I restarted, I said 'ONE more fucking nitpicking little snipe and you will never get anything cooked by me again.'

He never said anything else. Still occasionally spouts the odd negative comment, (about other things!) but tbh I don't give a shit anymore. His opinions are pretty irrelevant to me tbh. I actually don't give a shit about anyone's opinions. If I like something/think it's good, that's all that matters. I don't live my life anymore based on opinions from others. And that includes everyone.

But yeah anyway, as has been said, the nitpicking and criticism are designed to keep us wimmin in our place. Can't have us thinking we know stuff/know better or more than them, and GASP! are more intelligent than them! 😱

He's not very bright, but he thinks he's always right, this is a gift for you, it will be very easy to out think & outmaneuver him. Just play dumb and agree with him, dont give him any information or try to correct him on anything.
Exploit his weaknesses.

I agree, it's pure misogyny. I take the piss out of my DH and say, 'I know I'm only a woman so it's very hard to hear me, but xxx.' It's quite stunning though how tightly he holds onto the conviction that he's right about everything, even though in 95% of cases he is proved to be completely wrong.

The three underlying attitudes of abusive men are that they are:

• entitled
• superior
• adversarial

Your partner's behaviours you've shared are pretty much perfect examples of these three attitudes.

They are prime examples of psychological abuse that are crazy-making, and over time can destroy confidence and trust in yourself.

Patricia Evans's book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" does an excellent job of documenting how these experiences are crazy-making. It's worth a read if you are dealing with this. It outlines the many the strategies men like this will use.

Gah, my dh does this. And if I am wrong he will make a huge point about me being wrong. If I am right then he quietly puts his phone down and it's never mentioned again. WHY can't he say Yes you were right!?

Apparently I tell him what to do and I nag. So I told him that the last fucker that said that is now an ex.

You don’t get to know better because you’re a man and I’m a woman. I’m a grown up woman, I won’t tolerate this shit. You also don’t get to dismiss me, if I said your toilet is leaking, can you take the panel off the wall so we can see, I’m not nagging, I’m not telling you what to do. When you agree, you don’t just agree to shut me up and then do nothing, because that’s why the spot lights in your living room caught fire with your kid underneath.

I’m not fighting this battle. I’m not fighting for your respect.

And that put a stop to it.

Sounds exactly like my mother - this behaviour isn't gendered. It's just particular to people who always think they're right.

My mum could start an argument in an empty room. She contradicts my dad on everything, no matter how trivial. She hates being wrong and will never back down. It's so tiresome.

god how annoying. After he negates you, I'd 'innocently' turn it into a question "you don't think the orange is bitter? do you think it's more or less sweet than the last orange i had? That's so odd. if it's a sweet orange how come it tastes bitter to me?"

"What do you mean it's not leaking? are you saying the water came from something else not from the pipe, where did it come from? Oh you dont think there's a puddle of water on the floor at all? what is that liquid?"

Force him to justify his position and he'll realise how absurd he is.

Oh OP I feel your pain. If I talk through a plan with my DH, the response is always a furrowed brow and a faux-hesitant ‘wouldn’t it be better if …. (insert something much more complicated and shit than the idea I’ve just described)?’.

No it would not be fucking better! Even if you think it would be better than my plan why not try saying ‘that sounds great Isadora, how about we also do xxxxx’. Gah. So fucking annoying and invalidating. It took me years to stop feeling like I was stupid.

Hi there, maybe late to post, but dear you, I fell you, mind that in my situation DH not only negates small things but big ones as well. Which is …beyond comprehension. So mind blowing, rejecting and downgrading. Such as: let’s get married in church too! No. Let’s take a vacation. No. Let’s do etc. Stupid idea. Lots of sarcasm too and rough jokes.
We have been married from 20 years as well, see how long more:))(. Unfortunately very bad behaviour. At first I thought his sarcasm is like manly and clever, now I do not know. I am rather fed up.