Is there any other women here who are genuinely worried they’ll end up alone, without kids?

[YouWontKnowMyName]

I asked this already on aibu, but people kind of either didn’t read my post and just made comments on how amazing being single is or just took a piss for other reasons.

So, I’lm try again, hope that’s okey.

I’m not looking for advice on how to find someone, done that, didn’t work.
And at this point, I also don’t care for platitudes of wonders of being single.

I’m just asking if anyone else here has had to make peace and do the work of accepting that they’ll be (most likely) spending their life alone, without kids.

And how did you do it / are working on it?

And this is for those who never had much / any luck, not because they choose to or are ’picky’ and have (at least some) options.

Until I was in my late 40's I had been single for long periods, not particularly by design and definitely not by being 'picky'! I'm fairly ordinary looking, not interested in being sociable since I left my 20's so the odds of meeting someone by chance was pretty low. What I was was happy in my own company.

I had a series of long term lodgers when I lived in London and Dublin, so there was another human being to talk to outside of work, and I initially had cats and subsequently dogs so I was never truly alone. I knew I didn't want children from a very early age.

There's nothing to be scared of from being alone. Some people prefer it. Nothing to compromise over, no one's happiness to consider apart from your own, no annoying in-laws or 'that' friend of a partner who drives you mad. You can stay in bed all day or get up at the crack of dawn to wash the windows.

What, specifically, are you worried about? Loneliness? Being judged? If there are aspects of your personality that you think make you unattractive then you can work on them.

44 here, not married and no kids. I was in a relationship since I was 19 (first and only boyfriend, I grew up in an abusive home and believed I didn't deserve any better really) he dragged his feet over everything, because of an abusive home life I didn't know what healthy relationships looked like, I had a serious case of rose tinted glasses with him, I thought if I was just "better" he would want marriage and kids, in the end he cheated with a co-worker (and several escorts) I discovered this in my thirties just at the point it was pressure on to have kids. I was devastated and now am still trying to unravel how my life is like this. I never really had much interest from men and now I wouldn't trust their interest anyway. For now I join various hobby groups, just trying to find something that could become a passion, I volunteer my preferred area are those supporting women's rights, I have close relationships with nieces and nephews, I do worry for the future, if I become sick who can I rely on, what old age will be like, I guess I'm still trying to figure it out as I go along. I am also in therapy for CSA which is tough but I am slowly getting there with making peace with the past.

Not sure what you are asking. Of course most people worry about it at some point i
of their lives.
Also not sure what is the purpose of ‘worrying’.
Most of my friends who did not end up meeting The Prince during child bearing age - ended up having kids on their own.
Some - who met said Prince - had kids too but divorced.
Now in 40s-50s - life is similar for the two groups… Probably less complicated for the ones who never married….
Then there are people who met new partners later in life…

There is no one right way to live your life. You always have choices

Not me but I have a couple of close friends in this situation. I know it's a source of worry and sadness for them.

What, specifically, are you worried about?
Loneliness? Being judged?

Pretty much everything.
Like you listed, loneliness - absolutely.
Judged? Less so as years go by.
But man, do I feel like a weirdo among other people!

There are a lot of things, but mostly I do want to expirience love, have a companion, I don’t think those are crazy wishes to have.

The panic is really coming now, because my window to have kids will be closed soon.

I know were all different and all that, but no matter how many years I’ve been alone, I never get used to it.
I guess I’m not one of those people who like it and is natural to them.

I have friends who have gone ahead and had children alone. One via egg/sperm donor and one who found she was pregnant after a holiday romance, guy wasn't interested when she contacted him, but she decided to keep the baby.

Both are loving being parents despite challenges of being the only parent.

I don’t think those are crazy wishes to have

Absolutely not crazy. So, what are you going to do to fulfil those wishes? Panicking is not going to achieve anything. Do you believe you're not worthy of being in love?

Soon I will be 45, no chance of conceiving even if I had the chance.
Never had a real close boyfriend. Met one or two useless buggers OLD. CBA any more.
Career is OK nice flat part-owned, London good circle of friends, sometimes stay with them. DB we have always been best friends. Will inherit from DPs all safe for the future.
But Oh! So fucking boring. Yes I do worry about the future.

I have been married & have kids but am now single and alone because the marriage ended.
For years a very close friend of mine viewed my life as "perfect," because I had the husband & the kids & the life she thought she wanted.
She was keen to have kids but unfortunately found out she couldn't have them.
She online dated for years with no success then gave it up and worked on creating a fun social life with other single women.
At nearly 50, by chance, she met a man a few years older than her at a random social event. He is divorced, has adult kids and grandkids on the way. They are now blissfully happy & planning to marry. They are really great together.
She says will always be sad about not having her own children but is looking forward to being involved with her step grandkids in the future.

My long-winded point here is - you never know what's around the corner for you. My "perfect" marriage turned out to be built on lies and she has found her soul mate in later life.
When we chatted recently she said the one thing she regretted most was spending so many years worrying about being single and feeling "othered" by it when she could have just been out enjoying life.

It's hard and now I am single in what seems to be a world of couples I can relate more to how she used to feel. But life can change very quickly for the better so have faith xx

Having children won't necessarily stop you being lonely forever. Both my sons are unlikely to stay nearby geographically due to their career choices so if/ when I need help in the future I will be on my own. I'm single. Well dating someone but it's not going well.

I have a number of women in my life who are in their 40s, single and childless with varying levels of acceptance of their situation. What I would say is that they all live very full and interesting lives, they are wonderful ‘aunties’, great friends, awesome humans.
Hopefully you can find community and fulfilment with or without a partner and kids x

Im 41 no partner or kids. I worry that others thing im weird or unlovable or something. I.e. going out tomorrow for lunch with 2 uni friends, their husbands and kids - all of us are very close. I think im the odd one out. In reality i dont think anyone gives it much thought. The casual 'are you dating anyone' questions are hard as the answer is always no and i wish no one would ask.

If i think about a partner, i think about most of my friends husbands who all have their "quirks" or the husbands that are complained about on MN and i think im too set in my ways to bend for anyone now

OP, why do you think having kids will stop you being lonely? The two things have no connection.
I don't have kids. That's fine. If I live (and die) alone, then that's fine too.

I used to keep myself busy, clubs for hobbies or singing etc but no there have been no personal commitments, So what was the point! No deep companionship is what I think is missing from my life.
Seriously wondering if I might find that with another woman. Though not in desperation or even consolation but for it's own value. Might I find understanding?

I’ve been married twice so with a man from age 17-49. Never wanted children.
Now single ( well with my lovely cat) for the past 7 years and I finally realise I never needed a man at all, I had just always thought I did.
I enjoy making my own choices and not having to look after someone who is like a sort of elderly child (first husband) or unfaithful money grabbing fucker (second husband) and will never touch a man with a barge pole ever again.

Yes, but being poor at an old age is scarier than being single. If I continue being single, I will put my time and energy, which I would have given to my husband and children, into making myself financially (very) secure. Sometimes, I feel that making money is easier than meeting the right man.

This is the deck of cards I dealt with, different from what I expected at sixteen, but I shall play it to the best of my ability.

I have ended up alone, without kids. I didn't expect to. It's not so bad!

My deathbed regret is not having known love in some of the ways that people in truly happy marriages and mothers of children do. The flaws inherited from my upbringing, plus bad biological luck, account for those developments. I couldn't have done anything about either when it mattered, and there's no point perseverating over what's done (or crying over spilt milk, if you like).

The other side of the coin is the fantastically varied life I've lived, full of adventures and intense experiences that simply would not have been possible with children in tow. Experiences, I've found, were diluted by travelling with a partner. All the best ones I did alone - or, rather, with whoever I met along the way. The luxuries I've enjoyed were shared with friends, family members, partners, colleagues and passing strangers.

The childfree & single have more time, more money and infinitely more freedom.

The reason I seem to be speaking of the past is that I'm old, ill, and impoverished; if I were fit & healthy I'd still be adventuring, never mind age or money! I emphatically would NOT like a partner now, whatever my health status. Selfishness is under-rated 😊

If it's any help to any reader, I made clear decisions to love, like and respect myself (therapy can help with this; I should've done it sooner) and to make the most of my opportunities.

Whenever I wanted to go clubbing, I just went. If I fancied an opera, a three-course dinner at a fabulous restaurant or a weekend in Spain, I just booked it and went. When I was offered an ayahuasca ceremony in the middle of the jungle, I didn't go because the others were all men I'd just met. But I did go alligator-spotting in a canoe on the Amazon at night. I've been treated "like a man" by locals at an off-piste beer shack in the West African bush. I've swum in a lake with dolphins. You get the picture ... 😄

If you've got kids, you can't just up and go. If you're with a partner, you have to discuss and negotiate. If you want company, you can always find some. You are your own best friend.

It’s really hard OP and don’t let MN fob you off either by suggesting that you aren’t doing enough somehow or by saying that being single is wonderful and if you don’t like it the problem lies with you. We’re a social species and while being in a relationship isn’t the only way to have company, realistically friendships only go so far. I don’t necessarily have the answers for you but this was a very, very real worry for me. Eventually met someone right at the end of my 30s and had first baby aged 40.

I’ll go into a bit more detail because why not, I am trapped under a sleeping baby and if I move her she wakes up!

So - I never had much luck with relationships. I had quite a lot of bullying at school from boys and from my brother and his friends and it really knocked my confidence around them. My mum died when I was 17 and after that I slowly but steadily gained weight and that was another barrier to me having a relationship. I did manage to lose a lot of weight in my twenties but my confidence was still low, even though looking back I actually looked really nice I didn’t see it myself and although I dabbled a bit with dating I was very quick to give up and assumed any rejection meant I was still too fat / ugly which obviously isn’t a nice thing to feel so I didn’t really put myself out there or persevere (I’m not suggesting this is the case for you.)

In my thirties I injured myself quite seriously as well which meant dating was off the cards for a bit and this also impacted my career for a time and that massively affected my confidence. I became very reclusive almost for a time, sort of living vicariously through instagram and twitter (as it was.)

I had another go with OD and I just literally met DH when I was 38. In less than a year I was expecting a baby (happened first go) and while my life does have challenges (I’ve been having my own rant on AIBU because I’m broken with no sleep) it is better facing things in a couple and I love my children although honestly they’re driving me doo lally.

I think the important thing is it isn’t your fault. Meeting someone is luck pure and simple but it is possible you have a self fulfilling prophecy as you don’t expect to meet someone so you don’t. Try to have confidence, I am sure you’re lovely.

I think this is a fear that many face, but understand you can end up alone anyway even with a husband and children. My mother used to be a caregiver and most people were in this situation (they had families but they never bothered to visit them)

I'm childfree by choice and my husband recently left me out of the blue. I think that's my lot now and working on acceptance.

The number of childless women is growing pretty much everywhere except sub Saharan Africa. It’s

I'm single with no kids. I'll buy a bell to ring next time I go shopping so people know not to risk coming near me 😊

DH has a terminal illness so sometime in the not too distant future I'll be on my own with no children. But you only have to read all the threads on here, about people going NC with their parents, to realise that there are no guarantees. Tbh, I am not dreading the future so I must have come to terms with it.