Has anyone else ever just dropped friends where you get nothing from that friendship?

[EvaporatedHour]

It's occurred to me lately that I have some friends from whom I get absolutely nothing from the friendships.

Usually when I meet up with each of these (individually. they don't know each other), I get talked at, not listened to, bombarded with their dramas and life problems, and usually leave the meet up feeling drained and down.

I do have friends that are not like this at all, and feel so much different when I see them!

I decided a couple of months ago to phase out anyone that just doesn't bring anything to the table in our friendship and who basically uses me as a sounding board to talk 'at'. So far, I've done this by taking much longer to reply to their texts, and also being 'too busy with work' to see them at the moment.

I was just wondering if anyone else has done this, as in weeded out a few friends at one go that don't contribute positively to your life?

I’ve been doing this for years. I don’t now have any friends that I don’t enjoy spending time with, or anyone that doesn’t make me feel good about myself.

I have a lovely group of friends who I love spending time with. Life is too short for the crap ones!

Yes, quite a few over the years for various reasons, a lot of them similar to you OP. I'm much more cautious of friendship forming now, I have a few friendship groups and they are just perfect for me.
There's someone I met a few months ago who wanted to go in for an intense and immediate friendship, to such an extent it was overwhelming. Like being love bombed. My replies to her got shorter and less frequent and I fended off meet ups. I do still have to see her regularly so I don't want to close her off completely, she isn't a bad person by any stretch, but I can't cope with daily texts of "hi how are you". I'm too busy and it's too much.

I have people I distance myself from, but I wouldn't do it because recently they need me more than I need them, that's what friendship is, provided they'd be there for you if the situations were reversed.

Given that you intend to lose them as friends anyway, have you considered telling them how it is from your side?

I wouldn’t blame you if not, the type of people you’ve described usually have a woe is me victim complex and lack insight, or thrive off drama so would love an argument.

But if you think any of the friendships might be salvageable it could be worth a try.

I'd love to do this with one person out of my group of friends - she annoys the hell out of me and I always come away irritated by the encounter. Unfortunately, as part of the 'group' that would be the nuclear option, so I just have to grin and bear it.

I think we must just be very different people, as none of the others in the group seem to be annoyed by her!

My thoughts exactly, @ReveredInArgentina

I've always been someone who probably hangs onto friendships even when the friendship brings me nothing because of having low boundaries due to low self esteem etc etc.

But I'm mid forties now and just can't be bothered with that shit anymore. Friend at the top of the list to get dropped is someone who would always ask me to help her with things, such as go and collect stuff for her business with her that needed lifting or dismantling, then would just talk 'at' me the whole time and be ranty and moody and unappreciative of my help.

Yes, one of my 'best' friends. I realised that in 20 years it was all about her. She never tried to help me, if ever I had a problem she used to tell me her problems were worse!

Much as I'd really like to do this, I don't think any of them are the type to actually listen when I say anything, and like you say, they mainly are the types to thrive off drama anyway

Radiators and Drains as the old advice goes. If you're exhausted after being around someone they're not for you, phase them out. I do regular pruning of friendships and I'm sure people do the same to me, I know I can rub people up the wrong way so it's fair if they reduce time spent with me as well.

Yes, totally. Two friends in particular I dropped - one was where everything, and I mean everything, was all about her. Constant dramas, etc. Couldn't bear it any more.

The other one we just kept arguing after we'd had a couple of drinks, and I got bored of that.

Yes I've done this with one of my friends, I was just being talked at all the time and if I tried to interrupt she just talked louder over me! Her problems were always worse than anyone else's and she was so judgemental, We used to walk together every week but I just drifted away, was busy etc and she eventually got the message, we still keep in contact through Facebook mostly but that suits me fine

The constant drama, everything being about her etc is how most of the friends I want to drop are.

One in particular just wants a sounding board to her rants. She falls out with people so often and just wants to rant about them to me. She's so loud with her ranting too

Yes yes to radiators and drains!

I think I have. There was someone who over lockdown I had a massive fallout with and we ended up ending the friendship. But the thing was she was an old friend of about 15 years who I didn’t see much in recent years but we had mutual friends in common. I came to realise I got nothing from the friendship and though she was fun to be with I actually didn’t care much about her though she’s well meaning.

We had a couple of fallings out, one where I bumped into her and we swapped numbers which she was happy to do, and then after her mum died suddenly a mutual friend of ours arranged for us to meet by accident at a pub/bar as we’d fallen out again. I was quite happy to remain not friends. So when we had a text fallout she threw this back in my face as she didn’t want to rekindle our friendship and I thought why couldn’t you be honest at the time too and if you weren’t feeling it just say so? I was being kinder to her when her mum died as it was very sudden! She was and is a very big character and assumes you’re on the same page as her whereas nowadays I’m quite a big character too!

It takes a lot for me to drop friendships but when I do there’s a definite reason why and yes in my forties I curated a few.

I'm early 60s, very busily self employed and don't have time for anything but good solid friendships.

The friends I'm close to I'll make time for, and I very much appreciate them making time for me. I always come away feeling better. I would drop things to be at their side if necessary.

The people who want me to sit in a cafe while they tell me their life's woes without showing the slightest interest in me rarely make it into my diary. Unfortunately I do not have time for a 45 minute rant about someone's mother's builders or to look at endless (but nearly identical) holiday photos.

I am absolutely on the same page with you OP, I suddenly had this moment of clarity when a so called friend “demanded” I do her a favour (related to my profession) because she was to busy (and tight fisted) to go through the proper channels.
That was in December, and as I politely refused to undertake her “request” the aggression was real. Not heard from her since and it speaks volumes.
I then started to think about 3 other so called friends. One who spilled her problems like a shower of negativity, to the point I was mentally exhausted. The other two were just jealous smiling assassins, and I can’t be doing with people like this anymore.
I now ask myself why did it take me so long to realise some people have very little redeeming qualities to be called “friend”.

This naturally happens with age and a lack of time. You need to spend your precious spare time well. Life doesn’t go on forever does it?

Some people would call it ghosting but I think it's more like self preservation. Even a very extroverted person only had so much of themself to give and it's not unreasonable to want something back for your efforts.

If she falls out with people all the time, she’ll no doubt dump you at some point too.

It’s better for your self esteem to not be around people like this, there are no obligatory relationships, it’s okay to not make an effort to see people who don’t make you feel good about yourself.

Yes, I have and it’s been quite a relief.

I don’t like one-way streets, it’s extremely draining and I hate being used.

It’s a horrible realisation when you absolutely know if you needed them, the loyalty would definitely not be there.

To cut yourself off from them is very liberating.

When I was younger, I stupidly thought it was the quantity of friends and not the quality of friends.

Yes. I’ve got to a stage in my life that if they don’t treat me with respect or as a friend should do - check up on you when you’re ill or struggling - then what’s the point in continuing the friendship?

I did this a few months ago with a very close friend when I realised she literally was totally disinterested in me. For the first time in many years I needed her, was in a mental health crisis and she advised me to get a good night‘s sleep. And it was like the clouds parting and I thought, after everything I helped her through, she doesn’t give a shit. And I muted her. I was done. It was glorious!

I do this. It's my own fault really for keeping people in my life I didn't align with from the start. I understand my reasons better now and aim for different relationships.

I don't want friends who dominate every decision or talk at me constantly or give advice all the time.

I noticed I'm also allergic to newish friends whom I have not met more than a couple of times and who invite themselves to my place. I find this intrusive. It's an invitation I'd like to extend to someone I value and I don't want to be made to do it. It's so weird to say 'no you aren't coming' or find excuses so I feel I have no choice but to let it happen (which I then resent) or be rude. They could have invited me to their place instead if they wanted to take the friendship to the next level. Happened to me twice now and won't happen again.

I have done it i stopped texting to see who would message me.
Turns out it was me putting the effort in all along.

I did this too and lost 90 percent of my friends and relatives 😂