Has anyone else ever just dropped friends where you get nothing from that friendship?

[EvaporatedHour]

It's occurred to me lately that I have some friends from whom I get absolutely nothing from the friendships.

Usually when I meet up with each of these (individually. they don't know each other), I get talked at, not listened to, bombarded with their dramas and life problems, and usually leave the meet up feeling drained and down.

I do have friends that are not like this at all, and feel so much different when I see them!

I decided a couple of months ago to phase out anyone that just doesn't bring anything to the table in our friendship and who basically uses me as a sounding board to talk 'at'. So far, I've done this by taking much longer to reply to their texts, and also being 'too busy with work' to see them at the moment.

I was just wondering if anyone else has done this, as in weeded out a few friends at one go that don't contribute positively to your life?

I've definitely experienced this. I now focus my efforts on loyal friends and being open-minded about building new friendships should they come along.

Doesn't this mean that the poster would also have fallen out with people though? Always think it's weird when people say "oh they fall out with people all the time" while at the same time saying they've dropped all of their friends for not making an effort. So everyone is going around saying the same thing about everyone else as if they don't have the same issue.

Lambhotpot same here. All one sided. Not being used again. Think u wont take crap as u age. Effort is 2 way. I realised alot was take take by people.

I've phased out a fair few friends for various reasons. But the main one has been when they just talk about themselves all the time. When I was dating, a lot of men were like that too.

I have a full life. Too full to sit there being an audience for someone's monologue. It's boring AF!

With another friend, it was just that she thought she was the authority on literally everything! Anything I said, she or someone she knew had done it bigger and better. She would lecture me on how I should be living my life (we were both in our 50s fgs). Because her way was always the right way! It got on my nerves so much in the end. Then covid happened and I didn't make an effort and nor did she (maybe stuff about me bugged her!). So that was that.

I have stopped initiating contact or meeting up with one person. I just increasingly felt that I didn't share her values, like her or enjoy her company. The difficulty is, I know that this will be another blow to her low self esteem and anxiety. She is not really me me me, but she liked to use me as a sounding board for family problems or parenting issues. I continue to talk positively about my family and my children but the contrast to how she talks about hers just makes me seem completely out of step with her. I don't have a lot in common with how she approaches things. For example constantly seeking flexibility or adjustments at work (fair enough), with no compromise, no assertiveness, but moaning negatively to the boss, not coping, then putting in for promotions but with added expectations that they will flex to her, and wondering why she doesn't progress. I believe adjustment has to suit the business too, work hard then win compromise. She overthinks projects and constantly ends up in niggly disputes with builders or hotel owners. I'm more of a let it go, chalk it up to experience person. I think it must be very hard to be her, and I am finding it a bit difficult to be the baddy. But I am not her therapist and our meet ups bring me nothing positive. I think she has picked up on it and hasn't texted me yet but it will be awkward when I bump into her.

I know someone a bit like your bigger, better friend @EmpressSoleil she's always lecturing on how to get my life sorted when really i want a bit of a vent sometimes about parenting. the irony is she really struggles with loads of things, mentally, and can barely look after herself. i think these people are compensating for what needs fixing in their own lives.

Just to clarify with the falling out; her fallings out with people are always aired publicly on her FB with angry text screenshots posted too. It's not that she lets people drift. She gets angry when people won't listen to her drama, I think.

I'd say there is at least one falling out a week posted by her on FB

Yup, did this and found most of my friends disappeared.

I'm mid 40s and have no time for drama. My friendships now are ones that bring joy to my life.

Yes, I have, and I've had it done to me too. People change, and what people need from a friendship changes, and that's OK.

I’m doing the same at the moment and have been reevaluating relationships generally. It has meant drifting away from family members and some ‘friends’. Honestly I feel better for it although life is a bit lonelier, I’d rather avoid being drained by these people and be able to put my time and energy into things that matter to me.

I have no qualms about dropping anyone.

I have gradually tapered off contact with people I get nothing back from. That usually solves it because mostly they were expecting me to make all the effort. As you say, OP, it's in taking longer to reply to things, being busy, maybe only seeing them in a group scenario.

I think the crux of me putting up with these so called friends for so long is probably lack of boundaries on my part.

Quite often the people that monologue at me are people who others won't tolerate but somehow I've ended up with them as friends and tolerating their behaviour even though I probably don't even really like them. And they clearly don't like or respect me if they won't even listen to 5 seconds of my voice.

When I was at secondary school I was quite bullied, and one day after a lesson of the whole class bullying me the teacher pulled me to one side and said I was the most unpopular girl she'd ever known and that I needed to make more effort to be liked.

So I think it's been a subconscious need to be 'liked' and 'popular'

But now I'm the age that I am, the need to be liked and friends with everyone just isn't there.

I only make time for radiators. Life is too short for drains.

Yes I let a few go. All one sided efforts. That gets tiring too long term. If I didnt arrange it.. nothing. So it fizzled

Now you've found the trigger you can work on it.

1. That teacher and your secondary school bullies were wrong and horrible and I'm sorry you had to go through that. Maybe you could try EMDR.

1. Time to do some spring cleaning with your friends. I wouldn't make any big announcements or statements, just drift away or be too busy? Look up "grey rock".

Don't over-explain or justify yourself, just quietly be unavailable. If some people are total users you "may" need to speak up a bit more. They'll be used to people avoiding them and will criticise you for not being available like you used to. It's just noise - they'll be pissed off as they've lost their free counsellor.

1. I do think if you're used to being the emotional punchbag it can take time to ease out of this role. It's often quite lonely detaching from the unpleasant people for a longish period of time.

Unpleasant people can make you feel "wanted and needed" with their constant drama

whereas more functional people are a bit more distant and don't have much time and energy as they have their own lives to be getting on with.

So you may be alone more often and will have to explore what to do with that time and energy (It may be world travel, it may just be extra sleep and saving cafe money and a new Netflix series!)

1. If you're having to take on other people's drama and trauma and being a fixer then it's often emotionally "safer" than being alone and processing your own emotions and trauma.

So it might be odd sitting there alone enjoying a coffee without Needy Friend ranting on at you as a distraction (especially if there's negative memories and thoughts of your own popping up).

But it sounds like you're in a good positive place to move forward.

Yep. I wasn’t as nice about it as you though. I had a friend from primary school where we only really stayed in touch because we’d known each other for so long.

a few years ago I left my abusive exH and lost everything in the process including my dogs. I’d just moved from a 5 bed detached house into a tiny flat, but I was actually over the moon because I was free.

I told her what had happened, and she literally said nothing apart from to ask my new address because she had a housewarming invite to send me because she’d just bought a new house.

I just blocked her. Haven’t spoken to her since.

I have gradually dropped some friends over the years for different reasons but never anything dramatic. It has also happened to me and I'm not bothered. If we bumped into each other accidentally, I'm sure we'd be pleased and probably go for a cup of coffee or something. Many relationships run their course. However, I am at the age where friends are dying which is a different matter, I've lost a few over the years. It's good that I like my own company :).

I thought I'd made a new friend, she had a few problems but I liked her, then she said a couple of things that made it clear she didn't see me as a friend, just someone to trauma/shit dump on when she'd had a bad day. I pulled back a lot, and then she got into a new relationship and hasn't contacted me since. It was disappointing as she could be fun and I liked her, and I'd thought she'd liked me but obviously I was just a convenient mug.

That's absolutely disgusting of a teacher to say that to you it's made me angry on your behalf ! I have dropped a couple of friends over the last 2 years , one talked about herself constantly I could be with her for hours and she wouldn't ask me one single question about me or my family . I didn't like how the other one treated a mutual friend so I distanced myself after that , I'm glad I did I haven't missed either of them one bit .

I have been dumped by a friend recently. I expressed a very minor amount of irritation (honestly tiny) about something she did and now she's not speaking to me. A shame, but her loss.

All my other friends and I can take a bit of the rough with the smooth. I've decided she's a covert narcissist as she can't take even the slightest hint of negativity. As I said, good luck to her! I don't feel bitter towards her and wish her well.

Generally in my life I have more friends than she does, I wonder why that might be?

Yes. I stopped instigating anything with one person and let it slip for 6 months before deleting her off social media and WhatsApp. She went through cycles of contacting me wanting to meet up, then she’d regularly cancel at last minutes, then ignore me for weeks then make contact like nothing happened. Came to a head when we agreed to go to a residential event together and lash minutes her stop contacting me- didn’t let me know she couldn’t come just didn’t reply. Then once it was over contacted me like nothing happened. I was done.

I was dropped by 2 friends after I had my second child. I think that was because I had PnD and was probably miserable to be around. Very negative.

Yes I recently cut out a friend. Drama queen. Emotionally unintelligent. It was such a relief! She was also running down my son's job which wasn't very nice at all. I did not run down her sons' jobs as I have more manners than that. I do not miss her one jot!