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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ended it with a guy, I feel so guilty he's gone down hill

27 replies

fingerscrossed2233 · 01/03/2024 21:42

Hi, I ended it with a guy about 10 weeks ago.

Dated him for 4-5 months seeing him couple of times a week. In the beginning seemed really lovely and I really liked him. I had found out a couple of months in he use to have a really bad cocaine problem then went on to say he did it now and again. But wouldn't do it any more.

So times when I was with him his nose ran constantly like dripped. I had found out a night out when we first got together he was on it. He originally denied it and lied until I found out.

After that I felt unsure and for next couple of months carried it on but ultimately had nothing in common.

I ended it and said we had nothing in common and drugs past I wasn't uncomfortable with.

He went on to drink him self stupid and about two weeks later threaten to hurt him self. Took aload of medication to get me to run to him but I didn't I rang the police.

I struggle with my own mental health my dad died of suicide when I was a kid. He knew this.

He pestered me telling me my reasons were BS. He has left me alone now.

But my friend told me he's been drinking loads. Ringing in sick at work.

I have a whole load of guilt like it's all my fault but I just didn't see it going any were. I wasn't expecting this reaction after such a short relationship.

I have been in previous abusive relationship and I got out because I seen signs of manipulation as well.

I have anxiety and worry and I'm scared he goes down hill and ruins his life. How do I move on from this. I'm really struggling with guilt

OP posts:
Changingplace · 01/03/2024 21:46

His issues are not your responsibility, you’ve done the right thing leaving this relationship and you only dated a few months!

Block him on all social media & tell any friends who know him you don’t want to hear anything about him, this may seem harsh but it’ll do you no good to continue to have anything more to do with him.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 01/03/2024 21:48

Well done, you recognised the signs of another abusive relationship and didn't fall for it this time. Tell your 'friend' that you don't want to hear it and what the ex does is his own choice and his own decision, is nothing to do with you and nothing for you to sort out. You'll have to harden your heart but otherwise you'll get sucked back in to sort out his problems.

Your 'friend' is what is known as a flying monkey

https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2019/07/narcissists-and-their-flying-monkeys

Skibbidino · 01/03/2024 21:48

You're not responsible for him. It's sad that he is on the path of self destruction but you can't stop him. If you keep him in your life he will drag you down with him. Different if he wanted to change and had made steps to do so, but he's not. He's trying to manipulate and emotionally black mail you. Don't let him.

Original poster
fingerscrossed2233 · 01/03/2024 21:48

No I know I haven't got any contact with him he wouldn't leave me alone so I blocked him just a friend knows him had mentioned it and I feel so guilty. He clearly has self destructive tendencies and the more I got to no him the more I seen. But I can't help blame my self.

OP posts:
crumpet · 01/03/2024 21:48

He is not your responsibility. He is an adult and you have known him for 4 or 5 months out of his life. Whatever he did to lead up to this point took him years to get to.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 01/03/2024 21:50

You got out of a relationship that was destructive and abusive for you. There's nothing to feel guilty about - you didn't make him drink, take drugs, threaten suicide and ultimately you decided you were better off out.

Original poster
fingerscrossed2233 · 01/03/2024 21:51

I know when I ended it with him he told me he drank him self stupid with his ex. He is very emotionally manipulative I wish I had ended it sooner but I think he would of kicked off 1,2,3 months regardless

OP posts:
Bkjahshue · 01/03/2024 21:53

When it comes to people’s substance use and mental health you can’t control it, you can’t cure it and you didn’t cause it. This is not your fault, he was on that downward spiral already and you didn’t cause this; you have protected yourself and you should feel so proud of yourself for recognising a bad situation and avoiding it

Northernsouloldies · 01/03/2024 21:55

He's not your problem and tell your friend that's reporting back what stupid shit he's up to the same.

DrunkenElephant · 01/03/2024 21:56

The issues were there long before you knew him. None of this is your fault.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 01/03/2024 21:56

Not your problem, not your fault and tell your ' friends ' that you are not interested and don't want to know / be told.

Ofcourseshecan · 01/03/2024 21:57

You owe him nothing, OP. And he must have caused you great distress threatening suicide when he knew your father had taken his own life. I hope you have good friends and family around you.

Original poster
fingerscrossed2233 · 01/03/2024 22:09

Ofcourseshecan · 01/03/2024 21:57

You owe him nothing, OP. And he must have caused you great distress threatening suicide when he knew your father had taken his own life. I hope you have good friends and family around you.

Struggling really bad when he did that he text me pictures of a load of paracetamol and asked me to come and look after him, I rang the police and stayed away.

My dad when he ended his life he asked me if I wanted to go for a walk with him and I said no and he went and killed him self he had schizophrenia and was really poorly o have had EMDR to help with PSTD with this but it's stuck with me since I was 8 and I'm now in my 30s

OP posts:
Northernsouloldies · 01/03/2024 22:13

No wonder your triggered by what happened to your dad .this guy is playing you.you have nothing to feel guilty about.your dad's death was down to mental illness not you.

CharSiu · 01/03/2024 22:27

He has already ruined his own life by taking cocaine.

When it comes to your Dad if people with really serious MH disorders like your Dad want to end their own lives they will do it sadly. The only thing you can do for your Dad is be happy.

You are not responsible for this manipulator, I doubt very much he will kill himself. You need to get advice from 101 as what he is doing is harassing you.

Im glad you have had therapy but it seems like you need further work on how to spot abusive men. Well done for ending it with him.

CrispEater2000 · 01/03/2024 22:45

This guy isn't your problem @fingerscrossed2233. You're doing the right thing in staying well clear.

suafa · 01/03/2024 23:07

Protect yourself.
He was never your responsibility.
His self distraction is nothing to do with you.
Forget him.

suafa · 01/03/2024 23:07

Self destruction

DrJoanAllenby · 01/03/2024 23:10

You are not responsible for anyone's welfare other than your child/children if you have them.

He has chosen to to abuse his body with drugs and alcohol.

kkloo · 02/03/2024 00:23

You posted about this at the time didn't you?
You did the right thing and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

People like this are selfish, they won't get help for any of their issues and they are ok with inflicting their shit on other people and they don't feel guilty about that at all. They feel entitled to inflict their shit on others and think that other people have to accept it because that's what they want, they don't care if it's what the other person wants. Like they actually think that the other person should have to stay in a relationship with them even if they don't want to 😂 it's so fucked up.

My ex was very psychologically and emotionally abusive/manipulative and would threaten suicide/self harm in front of me etc to get me to stay with him, and eventually when I got free I did the whole running to him when he harmed himself stuff and it just enabled him to keep doing it over.

When he got into the next relationship it was the same nonsense when she wanted to split up with him over his cocaine and alcohol use, he didn't threaten suicide but acted like he was about to have a break down and made her feel guilty.

Got into a new relationship again, still drinks and does coke....and of course he goes for women who don't, so inevitably it's going to cause problems and then he'll do the same again.

The women are replaceable, their behaviour afterwards is nothing to do with you, actually as far as I recall didn't this man tell you he did the same after a previous ex split up with him? (if that was your thread).

There is lots of help available to him out there if he wants it, but no doubt he won't take it and then he'll meet someone else and do the same again and then go into self destruct mode again when she refuses to put up with it 🙄

HenndigoOZ · 02/03/2024 00:32

It was pretty bad of him to send you the picture of the paracetamol. You have dodged a bullet with that relationship.
My daughter was with a guy who had a difficult past as well and he used suicide threats as a way of bonding people into rescuing him all the time. He refused to go to therapy when my daughter researched and organised it for him. I am glad my daughter ended the relationship. She has found a stable boyfriend now who brings the best out of her.
You can’t fix people or save them. They can only choose to do that on their own and they shouldn’t make others responsible for their problems, especially if only dating.

Catoo · 02/03/2024 00:35

OP this guy’s problems are not your fault and neither were your dad’s problems.

Trust yourself and your instinct that you didn’t go for that walk for good reasons.

Please look into some counselling to help you move past this feeling of guilt.

💐

H112 · 02/03/2024 00:49

Why did you stay when you found out ? You need to set boundaries.
He isn't your responsibility block him

Original poster
fingerscrossed2233 · 02/03/2024 06:25

kkloo · 02/03/2024 00:23

You posted about this at the time didn't you?
You did the right thing and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

People like this are selfish, they won't get help for any of their issues and they are ok with inflicting their shit on other people and they don't feel guilty about that at all. They feel entitled to inflict their shit on others and think that other people have to accept it because that's what they want, they don't care if it's what the other person wants. Like they actually think that the other person should have to stay in a relationship with them even if they don't want to 😂 it's so fucked up.

My ex was very psychologically and emotionally abusive/manipulative and would threaten suicide/self harm in front of me etc to get me to stay with him, and eventually when I got free I did the whole running to him when he harmed himself stuff and it just enabled him to keep doing it over.

When he got into the next relationship it was the same nonsense when she wanted to split up with him over his cocaine and alcohol use, he didn't threaten suicide but acted like he was about to have a break down and made her feel guilty.

Got into a new relationship again, still drinks and does coke....and of course he goes for women who don't, so inevitably it's going to cause problems and then he'll do the same again.

The women are replaceable, their behaviour afterwards is nothing to do with you, actually as far as I recall didn't this man tell you he did the same after a previous ex split up with him? (if that was your thread).

There is lots of help available to him out there if he wants it, but no doubt he won't take it and then he'll meet someone else and do the same again and then go into self destruct mode again when she refuses to put up with it 🙄

Yes that was my post. Thanks for this. And your right he spoke about two ex who he had drug problems with and went down hill when they ended it.

I know my past is not helping situation I never in a million years when I first met him expected to have all these issues. And I just messed up by not getting out sooner.

OP posts:
MayThe4th · 02/03/2024 06:31

He’s a drunk and a coke head. This behaviour would have emerged even if you’d stayed together. You’re well rid.