Surviving Online Dating

[AltheaVestr1t]

Following the end of my 21 year relationship, I've been online dating for about 8 weeks. I've had a few lengthy chats, and four unsatisfying first dates.

I'm not looking for the love of my life, just a bit of company, nights out, intimacy. Already I'm finding the app is taking a toll on my wellbeing - ghosting, men who turn the conversation sexual immediately, men who say they are looking for a relationship but actual want ONS. I feel like these things are par for the course.

Any tips on how to maintain a balance and stay sane?

Do it only for a couple of weeks/months and then take long breaks. Get a therapist if you can afford it. Come up with ideas about places you would like to go to or things you want to do and invite whoever you are meeting (within reason). Good luck!

Take regular breaks, keep expectations low and standards high, don't chat for long, have a quick call before meeting but only one (just my preference). If you want exclusivity, establish it before sex. Don't assume the other person has stopped meeting others until this discussion.

If you keep your feelings in check and don't invest too soon/let your imagination run away then the things you mention happening are actually a useful filter of the ones that aren't for you. If they turn the conversation sexual straight away then great, just block, they've shown their intentions. It's annoying yes. Ghosting, not nice but people do fall off to the sides. Try not to take it personally at the early stages.

Draft a short, polite, thanks but no thanks text you can rely on that brooks no argument.

I would keep your travel distance quite local, 1.5hrs doesn't sound much but soon becomes a pain in the arse.

Spend plenty of time doing other things and seeing friends.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5008085-dating-thread-245

Join in with this thread - share with others who are trying to date.

Thanks for the tips and the link! I've followed that thread. It sounds like everyone is in the same boat. 😂

Online dating is brutal. I did it when I was 19-21 years old and found it mentally taxing but I tried to not get too emotionally attached too soon.
Thankfully I did meet my husband online and we’ve been together for nearly 20 years.
The reality is that online dating is even harder when older is because most people are likely to come with lots of “baggage” already so I’d keep your expectations low but obviously maintain your standards and be realistic about what can be achieved. In my view there’s not a loads of eligible bachelor’s queuing up for ladies in their 40s and 50s etc… A lot of people on here say throw in the towel once the going gets tough thinking the grass is greener out there but that’s not necessarily the truth. Obviously if you have an abusive partner that’s different but if they are a bit boring/mundane at times then sometimes you have to compromise.

I don’t know how long you’ve been single, but best advice I have is to stay away from the dating apps full stop. I hate them. I prefer to meet people in my natural environment and go from there.
Cant say that it’s “that” successful 😂 as I’m still single after 7 years 🤷‍♀️😂 but I’m happier than I’ve ever been and have made some really awesome friends along the way.

I met my now husband on tinder. I was single and on and off online dating for 4 years. As above, keep your standards high and tolerance low, know what you'd like and be happy with your life without it. When it's something you'd like but not need, it makes the whole process less intense

All good advice, thank you. So far it seems to call for high standards, low tolerance, a hyperactive bullshit detector and a very thick skin. I've been there eight weeks, and I'm feeling a bit jaded. I'll be taking a break soon I think.

You don't need a thick skin or a bullshit detector. You just need to drop anybody who does anything you don't like, straight away, and not to care about anyone more than the relationships warrant. If you're feeling jaded after a few failed conversations and a few unsuccessful dates, then you need to either stop, or stop investing. These people are strangers that you met 5 minutes ago. Why are you letting them in so far that they can affect your wellbeing?

Good question. I'm a romantic idealist at heart and naturally see the best in people. My previous relationship lasted 21 years and I think I might be quite naive!

Good answers above. More than anything, know your worth and keep your standards high. Online dating is quite awful with a few exceptions mixed through. Don’t fall for anyone under any circumstances until you get to know them. Protect your sanity and be vigilant of how others can quickly change. You would not believe the amount of people who present themselves as one thing but end up being quite different. I think, on balance, women tend to do the work required before they embark on OD, men tend to quickly want to progress, which is problematic when they haven’t done the work. You will then have to deal with lieing, embellishing, ghosting etc. protect your mental health and take it all with a pinch of salt. Join a gym instead - you will get to know people after a time. Don’t get upset when people turn out to be less than reliable. Remember in the early days they haven’t earned your time so invest wisely and always with caution.