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Original poster

2 months no contact not helping i still miss him

41 replies

Genegeniehunt · 29/02/2024 18:22

I could do with some moving on advice please.

So i met someone last February in real life we clicked and i thought he was so wonderful. Things grew slowly hes 34 and im 28 but they sort of never progressed past dating in my eyes. Honestly despite thinking hes a really good match for me at the start he never really made me feel like a priority in his life and our communication styles caused issues.

I dont think hes had any previous relationships. Around 6 months in things were very loving and smooth. he said he wanted me to meet his family. This never happened as even though he was saying it he only invited me once at a time when i was already going to be busy.

there were obviously really amazing times that made me want to be with him and love him. We had trips away together and we were so passionate about each other but there was some sort of block in energy stopping us progressing.

things started really unravelling in October when he went to europe for a week with friends and i said sort of as a test just forget about me and have fun. really i hoped and wished he missed me enough to get in contact just once but nope not even a ‘i miss you’ text. The thing that hurt is i was whatsapp stalking him in the mornings which i genuinely usually do not do but i did everyday and he was online a lot, i wish id never looked. It sounds so petty but i dont get to decide what hurts and this really did.

we talked and sorted things out around a week after his return from Europe but then i found out while we had split for a few days he had been on a dating app but allegedly not met anyone. I am fully in love with this guy at this point so i go absolutely fucking nuts and i dont know how but we ended up ok again. Yes i am a fucking idiot.

now i feel like im in deep but also feel really insecure. Anyway we have a goodish time up until Christmas. So on christmas eve my nana who im very very close to has a heart attack is in hospital in intensive care. its christmas so i dont expect him to drop everything immediately but hes a fully grown man with no kids and he still couldn’t prioritise me. The cherry on the cake came 2 days after Christmas when he told me hes decided he was going to america at the end of January. I was fucking crushed beyond words but didnt let him know that.

i dont see myself as a weak woman i do know when enough is enough so i said no problem this is the end for us and blocked him. Its been over 8 weeks no contact and im fucking gutted. I know hes not meant for me but i miss him soo much. Im not the type to be in and out and i would never ever message him first or anything but it doesnt seem to be getting any easier! Reading the book notes on heartbreak by annie lord last week was great but i still desire someone who didnt treat me right and that makes me so sad.

any advice please for moving forward? Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
takemeawayagain · 29/02/2024 18:32

I think you need to grow up.
Why on earth would you tell him to forget about you on holiday? Why are you playing games like that to 'test' him? When and why did you split for a few days? If you've split why shouldn't he go on a dating app?
This post makes you sound completely nuts and emotionally immature. You need to stop testing people, they're not your toys. You need to be open and honest and stop playing all these games.

lifeohlifeohhhhlife · 29/02/2024 18:34

I think the PP is a little harsh. You've acknowledged you're not right for eachother and wanting tips to move on.

I think it's just the old cliche of working on yourself, giving yourself time and keeping busy.

Original poster
Genegeniehunt · 29/02/2024 19:08

takemeawayagain · 29/02/2024 18:32

I think you need to grow up.
Why on earth would you tell him to forget about you on holiday? Why are you playing games like that to 'test' him? When and why did you split for a few days? If you've split why shouldn't he go on a dating app?
This post makes you sound completely nuts and emotionally immature. You need to stop testing people, they're not your toys. You need to be open and honest and stop playing all these games.

Fair enough your right i am emotionally immature. i just thought i would have moved forward a lot more in my mind in the past 2 months. Thanks anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
Genegeniehunt · 29/02/2024 19:11

lifeohlifeohhhhlife · 29/02/2024 18:34

I think the PP is a little harsh. You've acknowledged you're not right for eachother and wanting tips to move on.

I think it's just the old cliche of working on yourself, giving yourself time and keeping busy.

Thankyou x

OP posts:
Notsureeee · 29/02/2024 19:11

Why did you block him? I don’t know - it seems like you’ve been playing games. Why wouldn’t you just tell him what you want?

Original poster
Genegeniehunt · 29/02/2024 19:23

Notsureeee · 29/02/2024 19:11

Why did you block him? I don’t know - it seems like you’ve been playing games. Why wouldn’t you just tell him what you want?

i blocked him 2 days after xmas because we had a trip planned at the end of january but he then decided he was going to america without me so it was clear to me it really was the end. I have not changed my mind its clearly over. I had to block and go no contact at that point to try heal not to play games. I know there is no way back.

Im honestly just struggling at the moment thats why i made this post but im guessing i should have just buried it x

OP posts:
HenndigoOZ · 29/02/2024 19:35

Just give it a bit more time. You are obviously not a good fit for each other. While I agree it’s not a good idea to test people’s feelings like that it’s not wrong to hope for more attentiveness in a relationship. Messaging his girlfriend while away is not a big thing to ask and perhaps from that point of view you would have been incompatible anyway.

Watchkeys · 29/02/2024 19:39

He left a gap. Are you just leaving it as a gap, or filling it with something else?

Also, you could spend some time working out why you would feel increasingly strong feelings towards someone who was increasingly upsetting you with their distance. Which of your parents was only emotionally there for you on an unreliable basis?

Slitherr · 29/02/2024 19:43

He clearly wasn’t that interested in you. Good decision to end it but you do need to move on now. You were only together for months not years. Relationships end and at your age you need to understand this. Perhaps you need to expand your social life and get out and about to forget about him. Start dating again as like you say (although not in these words) you want “someone” who does desire you and treats you right and it’s not him.

Seaoftroubles · 29/02/2024 19:52

Sorry you are still struggling OP, it's hard when you meet someone you really like but where you are not their priority.
This guy sounds like a player, he was obviously keeping his options open whilst keeping you dangling by blowing hot and cold. Intermittent reinforcement is horrible.
I think you were right to end it and block him.You've ackowleged its over so all you can do is prioritise yourself, follow all the usual advice of keeping busy, spoiling yourself and taking up a new interest or project. I hope you soon feel better, and that before long you wonder what you ever saw in him.

Catoo · 29/02/2024 20:00

Sorry you’re still missing him OP. I know how much it hurts.

Given he wasn’t that great and you know it didn’t really work, could you be missing what you wished he would be? Missing having someone?

Could you take up a new hobby that gets you out of the house? Something you’ve always wanted to do? Something where you’ll meet new people.

My advice is fill up your calendar. Have things to do every week and weekend. Stay away with friends. Etc.

Agree with PP that if he was the one for you, he’d be letting you know. And no contact is absolutely the best way to get over him so you’re doing the right thing.
💐

User442681bgt · 29/02/2024 20:11

Look it takes ages and it is just natural feel like this . Just keep ploughing on and in future do not ignore those red flags . He never made you a priority. Remember that.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/02/2024 20:11

You need more time but you'll be fine. Be glad you didn't waste any more time on this flake.

Original poster
Genegeniehunt · 29/02/2024 20:37

Thankyou all so so much. Im bawling like a baby reading your replies. I think i just really needed to vent somewhere ive been keeping it all in, im very private in real life and try keep conversations with people light. Im honestly doing my best to focus on myself and do healthy things to cope so no alcohol at all, ive been doing fitness classes 5 days a week and am going on trips to places i like and shopping a lot. It just feels really hard the past few days. I think im going to pay for a few therapy sessions.

but this isnt my first rodeo i got over a 4 year healthy relationship and lived well and was happy single so your all right it ill get there again it just takes lots of time. Thanks so much again xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Genegeniehunt · 29/02/2024 20:44

Watchkeys · 29/02/2024 19:39

He left a gap. Are you just leaving it as a gap, or filling it with something else?

Also, you could spend some time working out why you would feel increasingly strong feelings towards someone who was increasingly upsetting you with their distance. Which of your parents was only emotionally there for you on an unreliable basis?

your spot on i really need to sort my head out. Both my parents are shit in their own ways x

OP posts:
User442681bgt · 29/02/2024 20:47

Genegeniehunt · 29/02/2024 20:37

Thankyou all so so much. Im bawling like a baby reading your replies. I think i just really needed to vent somewhere ive been keeping it all in, im very private in real life and try keep conversations with people light. Im honestly doing my best to focus on myself and do healthy things to cope so no alcohol at all, ive been doing fitness classes 5 days a week and am going on trips to places i like and shopping a lot. It just feels really hard the past few days. I think im going to pay for a few therapy sessions.

but this isnt my first rodeo i got over a 4 year healthy relationship and lived well and was happy single so your all right it ill get there again it just takes lots of time. Thanks so much again xx

I had some CBT hypnotherapy and it really helped me look at someone a different way. I only had 3 sessions but it really helped me look at this person and my attitude in general. Some of it was the talking to someone about it - the actual voicing of it out loud as opposed to it just going round in my head.

Shetlands · 29/02/2024 20:53

You sound sweet and lovely and in need of a hug. Sometimes life's shit isn't it! You know you'll survive and thrive but that doesn't always make it easier to ride the current heartache. Be kind to yourself. x

muckcook · 29/02/2024 20:59

OP start by being honest with yourself. You didn't block him after Xmas to heal. You blocked him as a knee jerk reaction to feeling hurt by his sudden trip. You blocked him and hoped it would shock him in to changing his mind and begging for your love. Like he would have an epiphany and realise he loved you after all .

Go easy on the romantic movies and novels as it encourages this nonsense game playing.

Next time you meet someone be up front and unashamed of what your expectations are and open about your feelings

I suspect you've fantasied a lot about what this relationship was compared to the reality

Telling someone to forget about you on holiday is mind games and maybe he thought you weren't that in to him, or maybe he found your actions bizarre and saw his future under your microscope

Original poster
Genegeniehunt · 29/02/2024 21:09

User442681bgt · 29/02/2024 20:47

I had some CBT hypnotherapy and it really helped me look at someone a different way. I only had 3 sessions but it really helped me look at this person and my attitude in general. Some of it was the talking to someone about it - the actual voicing of it out loud as opposed to it just going round in my head.

Show quote history

Ive had cbt and loads of different types of intense therapy through the nhs and haven't found them helpful so i was hoping paid therapy would be better and maybe id feel able more honest as my thoughts wouldnt be stored on my medical records. Thankyou x

OP posts:
Original poster
Genegeniehunt · 29/02/2024 21:13

muckcook · 29/02/2024 20:59

OP start by being honest with yourself. You didn't block him after Xmas to heal. You blocked him as a knee jerk reaction to feeling hurt by his sudden trip. You blocked him and hoped it would shock him in to changing his mind and begging for your love. Like he would have an epiphany and realise he loved you after all .

Go easy on the romantic movies and novels as it encourages this nonsense game playing.

Next time you meet someone be up front and unashamed of what your expectations are and open about your feelings

I suspect you've fantasied a lot about what this relationship was compared to the reality

Telling someone to forget about you on holiday is mind games and maybe he thought you weren't that in to him, or maybe he found your actions bizarre and saw his future under your microscope

This post made me smile with shame, Your so correct i was hoping he realised he had made a mistake. I really need to realise and fully digest that he does not care. Thankyou x

OP posts:
Original poster
Genegeniehunt · 29/02/2024 21:14

Shetlands · 29/02/2024 20:53

You sound sweet and lovely and in need of a hug. Sometimes life's shit isn't it! You know you'll survive and thrive but that doesn't always make it easier to ride the current heartache. Be kind to yourself. x

Thankyou xx

OP posts:
Priderock · 29/02/2024 23:01

Watchkeys · 29/02/2024 19:39

He left a gap. Are you just leaving it as a gap, or filling it with something else?

Also, you could spend some time working out why you would feel increasingly strong feelings towards someone who was increasingly upsetting you with their distance. Which of your parents was only emotionally there for you on an unreliable basis?

@Watchkeys this is a genuine question, but what does having an unavailable parent do to a person?

Watchkeys · 29/02/2024 23:08

@Priderock

It affects their attachment style.

Attachment Styles in Adult Relationships - Complete Guide (attachmentproject.com)

supercali77 · 01/03/2024 07:04

Firstly, you will get over it. Secondly part of the reason I think you're struggling to get over it is your passive communication style. You've blocked him yes, but part of your blocking was a hope to see him act on it. You told him to just go and have fun on his holiday as a test. You mention you try to keep things light with the people around you. There's a pattern there of not being vulnerable with people? Which, to my mind, would lead to feeling isolated and betraying your own feelings. Something to work on?

Mounttidyflowers · 01/03/2024 07:50

Shetlands · 29/02/2024 20:53

You sound sweet and lovely and in need of a hug. Sometimes life's shit isn't it! You know you'll survive and thrive but that doesn't always make it easier to ride the current heartache. Be kind to yourself. x

Ditto this.

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