Mum - possible narcissist possible dementia

[Flyhigher]

How do people cope with difficult mums?
My mum repeats everything a lot. Says same stock phrases. Says rhe same thing when I talk to her.

But if I repeat anything at all. She gets angry.

She tries to force points in me all the time.

But if you try to do it back then she explodes.

How did people cope?

Any adult can walk away from a relationship with a parent if they choose to do so,

I deal with people who keep repeating themselves by saying "yes, you said". And if they still do it I ask them why they keep repeating themselves.

Has she always been like this or has this developed as she's got older?

How old is your Mum? what do you mean by this "She tries to force points in me all the time. "

She's 81. She'll say things like you only like sleeping in your own bed.
Or you never feel the cold.
You got a cold by not wearing a coat.
I never not wear a coat.
Or once a mother always a mother. Tell me where you going out and how long. I'm 56.

She forces her often just wrong statements on people.

To me that just sounds like irritating things someone might say ( but you will know better ) but with her age dementia is a possibility.

It's more menacing than I've written here.

My mum can be a bit like this but she's always been like this. Will say things like "you'll learn". I've often suspected NT as she never gets when to drop things. I get v irritated when she does it in public.

@Flyhigher unless you say then its difficult to know what to say.

It's a drip drip drip of telling me what I think and feel about everything at all times.

With lots of criticism.

I meant force her points on me at all times.

I totally get this. My mother is the same. She repeats the same stuff (bigging herself up) every single time I see her. Whilst putting me down or suddenly accusing me of something random in a sharp voice. She seems to want to trip me up constantly and put me on the spot. Constant attack and criticism . The weird thing is she also puts on the lovely sweet old woman act. Calling everyone ‘honey’ and being really fake nice. She frequently really upsets me. She never apologises or tries to change or refers to her rudeness next time I see her. The result is I avoid seeing her more and more. Last time I saw her she accused me of being like an adopted daughter. Well that’s what happens when you have no happy memories of a person.

She also tells me what I think. Which is not what I think at all.

Call Alzheimer's.org.
I did when my MIL became vicious .
What they told me was revelatory, way beyond what we'd thought about dementia.

Anxiety.org were also incredibly helpful and useful when talking about how the elderly brain works even without a dementia diagnosis.

If she has always been like that? Good at gas lighting? You have to obey her as a child? If so, narcissism.

It is difficult because is your mother but going no contact is a good solution, otherwise do not tell her anything about yourself at all, if she has no information, she has nothing to complain against.

She won’t notice the lack of information though, if she is a proper narcissist she may not even notice as they really enjoy talking about themselves.

Do you live together?

God what a nightmare. You don’t have to put up with it just because she’s your mum

@crispsandthings. What did they tell you that was relevatory?

Don't live together.
But I live 200 miles away. So when I see her I have to stay at hers.

She's a genuis at gaslighting.

I think it's more just she says whatever is in her head. And then decided it's true and forces it on you. It's utterly wearing.

She's not mentally right. But I don't know how to begin to diagnose it.

@NotAgainWilson she can complain about anything. Including the fact that I don't tell her anything.

I would say that your Mum is not going to change now at her age. You have two choices - either you go no contact or you accept that this is how she is and try to detach slightly from her. I had a similar situation with my mother and once I accepted in my mind that I was never going to please her, it was so much easier. Like yourself I lived at a distance so did my duty visits but never told her exactly how I felt as she was ill. Many years after her death I did CBT and realised that I had lived my whole life in a non confrontational style because of being raised like this.

Yes. Did you have to stay with her for a few days?
So you just kept very quiet?
It's so hard. She's very aggressive / interrogative so it's almost impossible not to fight with her.
My dad was silent and slept a lot. I find myself doing that in her presence.

I've been confrontational because of her.

She's very aggressive / interrogative so it's almost impossible not to fight with her.

Don't react by being drawn into the twisted words.

Respond with actions.

Make your visits / calls v brief.
Don’t stay at her house.
Walk out of the room.

Do everything to proactively deescalate and ground yourself. When she goes hi you go low. When she steams in, you withdraw.

Detach. Distance. Dignity.

Expect her to behave appallingly. Give up your relentless hope that she will change or you will be heard.

Emotionally walk away in your head.

Invest in some therapy to come to terms with the shit Mum you have had.

Drop the rope.

I wouldn’t worry about diagnosing her behaviour - I would pivot my energy and focus on examining my own behaviours and choose to emotionally protect myself.