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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Involving the other grandmother

30 replies

2Grannies · 29/02/2024 08:37

Hello everyone. My 20 yr old dd and her 22 yr old bf found out 4 months ago that they are expecting. It wasn’t planned but we are supporting them in their decision to keep it.
Maybe I’m overthinking this, and I know it’s down to him to ensure his mother is involved, but I’m worried she is going to be feeling left out at this stage.
They spend all of their free time here as our house has more room and less people, I am arranging for them to move into a house i own from before I got married, and I have bought a lot of the baby things (so they can save).
He said his mum is excited but I feel (as the mum of the mum to be) that I am the one dd turns to for everything.
would it be weird for my husband and I to invite his parents round for a drink or dinner (I’ve never met them) so that we can get to know them as the fellow grandparents . Or should I just leave it up to the bf?
thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
2Grannies · 29/02/2024 08:42

that Should say ‘fewer people’ not less!

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 29/02/2024 08:43

I think inviting them round for a meal or a drink is a great idea.

MinervatheGreat · 29/02/2024 08:47

Yep, invite them around for Sunday lunch.
It might not turn into a close relationship but at least you’d recognise them in the street!
Good luck with the baby. Congratulations Grandma.

Grumpynan · 29/02/2024 08:51

As the other nan myself, to invite them round would be amazing, I’m lucky my DIL and I get on well and she includes me in a lot. But I’m well aware her mum gets the cream if you understand.

going forward, if you have a good relationship as grandparents the parents will find it easier to negotiate occasions. We all rub along nicely enough so birthdays etc are fine.

i think do matter how hard you try though, there will always be a leaning to the maternal side that’s just nature

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 29/02/2024 08:53

Sounds a lovely idea

Charlie2121 · 29/02/2024 08:55

I wouldn’t force it. DH and I have been together for nearly 20 years and our parents have never met each other and have never expressed a desire to.

It doesn’t cause any issues and everyone seems happy with the arrangement. In fact DH and I quite like it as it gives us a greater degree of privacy.

Bkjahshue · 29/02/2024 08:56

I think it’s a lovely idea. We did that with both sets of parents as we disnt want their first meeting to be when our baby was actually here and it broke the ice

Soñando25 · 29/02/2024 09:01

You sound lovely and I think that's a great idea. I've met all my adult children's in- laws and can't imagine not doing so. I think it can only benefit your grandchild in the future too.

MNdoormat · 29/02/2024 09:48

Yes! Get to know them. Neo the 'other' grandparents can be extremely hard, emotional etc.

My best friend is the joint grandparent of my child's 3 children. She lives in the same country as our shared grandchildren so sees them weekly, I see them once or twice. We grandmas have a great friendship, despite our grandchildrens parents havinv split up and co-parenting. I am known as the fun, silly, playful grandma a d she's the childminder after school!

However, with one of my 3 sons children I'm quite isolated from them,despite living 2 miles away, due to my DILs temper ( borderline personality disorder, anger issues, possessiveness and deliberately isolating my son from me and his siblings, heartbreaking but I do see the kids; we always have a good amazing playful happy time, so I'm happy they see me like that.

I get on really well with the other 2 DILs and their parents.

Getting to know and understand the 'other' grandparents and DILs can be immensely rewarding for all the adults and fantastic for the grandchildren.

Mrsttcno1 · 29/02/2024 10:49

I think it’s a nice idea but I would first try and have a proper chat with them about the relationship they have with his parents. You don’t want to end up inviting his parents to be more involved if that isn’t what he wants.

fairymary87 · 29/02/2024 10:51

Do it!

BoohooWoohoo · 29/02/2024 10:52

I think that would be a lovely thing to do.

Pumpkinpie1 · 29/02/2024 13:07

I’m surprised your dd and her bf haven’t already arranged for you all to meet. You will all be family and it seems common sense to me

CrushingOnRubies · 29/02/2024 13:48

I'd do it

Despite on paper they were totally opposite. And the only thing in common was their kids were together . Both sets of my grandparents became great friends. Regularly without my parents being there.

It made things like Christmas and birthdays and things a lot easier for one thing.

TheDuck2018 · 29/02/2024 15:07

That's a really lovely idea. It makes a refreshing change to read something thoughtful towards in-laws. Well done you x

UncleHerbie · 29/02/2024 15:27

2Grannies · 29/02/2024 08:37

Hello everyone. My 20 yr old dd and her 22 yr old bf found out 4 months ago that they are expecting. It wasn’t planned but we are supporting them in their decision to keep it.
Maybe I’m overthinking this, and I know it’s down to him to ensure his mother is involved, but I’m worried she is going to be feeling left out at this stage.
They spend all of their free time here as our house has more room and less people, I am arranging for them to move into a house i own from before I got married, and I have bought a lot of the baby things (so they can save).
He said his mum is excited but I feel (as the mum of the mum to be) that I am the one dd turns to for everything.
would it be weird for my husband and I to invite his parents round for a drink or dinner (I’ve never met them) so that we can get to know them as the fellow grandparents . Or should I just leave it up to the bf?
thanks

How kind and considerate you are. Inviting his parents for dinner is a lovely idea 💐

Pumpkindoodles · 29/02/2024 15:35

Absolutely do not do this unless you’ve spoken to DD and her bf.
do be aware there maybe there’s a reason bf isn’t including them, or doesn’t seem to have a very close relationship with them, or why they’re seemingly not making more effort to bond with your daughter, the mother of their grandchild. If this was your son, would you be doing more for him and his gf? I do think there are a lot of parents of boys that just don’t understand why they’re not included, but don’t see how they may have contributed to that situation themselves. I’m not saying that’s the case here necessarily but important to consider.

however, if dd and bf are happy, I think it’s very lovely of you to be so empathetic and to try to include them and to get to know them, hopefully it’ll lead to a lovely family dynamic.

BarbaricPeach · 29/02/2024 15:42

I think you need to speak to DD's boyfriend and check he wants you to do this. If they have a strained or not close relationship, he might not want you to get involved with them. You starting a relationship with them could end up being a source of stress for him, if he has reasons to keep them at arms length or not discuss certain things with them. It puts you all in an awkward position if they worry you'll share things they don't want, and could end up straining the relationship with you!

If you ask and he's on board with it, it's a lovely idea.

ItsAllMuchofaMuchness · 29/02/2024 18:01

Charlie2121 · 29/02/2024 08:55

I wouldn’t force it. DH and I have been together for nearly 20 years and our parents have never met each other and have never expressed a desire to.

It doesn’t cause any issues and everyone seems happy with the arrangement. In fact DH and I quite like it as it gives us a greater degree of privacy.

They've never met - not even at your wedding??? I'm sorry but that is bizarre - fair enough they don't need to friends etc but the idea that both sets of parents has never even expressed an interest in meeting assuming there is no travelling half way around the world the other is strange

hangingonfordearlife1 · 29/02/2024 18:25

Charlie2121 · 29/02/2024 08:55

I wouldn’t force it. DH and I have been together for nearly 20 years and our parents have never met each other and have never expressed a desire to.

It doesn’t cause any issues and everyone seems happy with the arrangement. In fact DH and I quite like it as it gives us a greater degree of privacy.

what?? this is really odd. i mean it took my mom 19 years to meet my mother in law but my mother in law lives in iraq! If they are in the same country that would be really strange

Charlie2121 · 29/02/2024 18:44

ItsAllMuchofaMuchness · 29/02/2024 18:01

They've never met - not even at your wedding??? I'm sorry but that is bizarre - fair enough they don't need to friends etc but the idea that both sets of parents has never even expressed an interest in meeting assuming there is no travelling half way around the world the other is strange

Show quote history

We didn’t have a big wedding in part because hardly anyone we know knew each other. It seemed pointless.

Charlie2121 · 29/02/2024 18:48

hangingonfordearlife1 · 29/02/2024 18:25

what?? this is really odd. i mean it took my mom 19 years to meet my mother in law but my mother in law lives in iraq! If they are in the same country that would be really strange

Show quote history

They live about 20 miles apart but wouldn’t have a clue if they walked past each other.

I’m not sure if any of my family has ever met any of my DH’s family.

ItsAllMuchofaMuchness · 29/02/2024 19:07

I'd be really sad @Charlie2121 if i never got to meet the family of my DCs future partner - if if I didn't like them I'd still want to have had some kind of interaction - each to their own

HoppingPavlova · 01/03/2024 04:14

What did your son and his partner say when you asked them? You should go with that. No one on Mumsnet knows the dynamics your son and his partner have with the other grandparents.

Autienotnaughtie · 01/03/2024 04:39

Definitely it's a lovely idea.