Have you ever struggled to get over something your partner has done?

krkw · 29/02/2024 00:45

I had just came out of having a breakdown and became pregnant and found out he cheated on me. He said he wanted to stay with me and we would work on things but couldn't promise to support me with the baby and has said plenty times if I got pregnant he would leave so I decided on getting an abortion which I didn't really want and really struggled with.

Teh abortion didn't got to plan and I ended up having a miscarriage a month later and nearly needed a blood transfusion and had to stay in hospital.

The first thing he did when he came to the hospital was kick off because I told my mam I had been pregnant (she was there when I started losing lots of blood) then told me no one obviously cared because they hadn't visited me.

I was at my lowest when I came home from the hospital and asked him to stay with me... he invited his friend around for drinks then left with him. I came the closest I ever have to ending it that night because of how alone, guilty and hurt I felt that night and it turned out he had went to the other women's and spent the night with her.

Asiama · 29/02/2024 00:51

@krkw that's so awful and I'm really sorry. Please tell me you are no longer with him.

dizzydizzydizzy · 29/02/2024 00:53

Newborn baby. On holiday.

He sat around and did nothing leaving me to do all babycare and make all meals.

He then started yelling at me that we were late to go on our day out and I had deliberately gone slow to sabotage our day out so everyone would feel sorry for me and I could be a victim.

Up until that point I thought I was the luckiest woman alive.

I couldn't understand why he thought so badly of me.

It turned out that www the start of the domestic abuse and 21 years later I left him.

krkw · 29/02/2024 00:57

Asiama · 29/02/2024 00:51

@krkw that's so awful and I'm really sorry. Please tell me you are no longer with him.

We have been separated nearly 5 years now but we still share a 9yo so co parent and he is still with the other women. We actually get along better now as he seems to be a different person for friends and family then what he is for his partners.

I have spent years trying to get over the hurt and damage the relationship caused me but it's permanently changed me and I've realised il never be the person I was before again.

Ladyj84 · 29/02/2024 00:58

Honestly no because we communicate about everything and both apologise when it's needed. It's very rare we argue tbh

Rania78 · 29/02/2024 03:56

Batima · 28/02/2024 23:54

Has anyone really struggled to get over something your partner has done? Something that you just don't understand, or that you feel is unreasonable/ selfish/ hurtful? Have you struggled to forget it and move on?

If so, what was it?

If you get to the point that he/she has done something so serious that you can’t forget then I think better move on. Better for your mental health. If you stay you mathematically lead yourself to depression and disease.
He did sth I couldn’t forget and left him.

Beach2lion · 29/02/2024 04:28

Our gorgeous old dog was suffering and I wanted to have him PTS. My partner said he loved him too much and that I was just fed up of looking after him.
The vets and hydrotherapists all said it was time to let him go but my partner wouldn’t agree and made out that I didn’t care enough to keep him alive.
It took months before he would agree. I’ll never forgive that.

TheBuddhaNot · 29/02/2024 09:06

We had a fight while walking from a 50th at 4.30am, around 5 years ago. He got into a taxi, took off and left me on the street. He never did something like that before or since, but I still get angry thinking of it.

FreeRider · 29/02/2024 09:44

Now ex-husband (at the time boyfriend) urinated on my front door on Millennium Eve because I didn't want to go out in the pouring rain at 2am to find a bar that was open...

Stupidly I still married him a year later. I got caught up in the whole 'sunk-cost fallacy' and also listened to my Catholic mother going on about how we'd been together 5 years and why weren't we married?

Pre marriage he also used to quite regularly storm off out of restaurants during the meal for the slightest reason...in fact storming off and leaving me on my own after causing a scene in public was one of his favourite things to do...

Marriage lasted 9 years before I finally saw sense and left.

Jamongranary · 29/02/2024 10:03

I had to stay in hospital for 5 days with difficult birth.
On the first day returning home with new baby - the state of my house was terrible. Was dirty , smelled on cigarettes etc

I couldn't say anything as he'd yell at me and i didn't want baby to listen to that .

Then in the middle of the night he started violently shaking me and screaming i'm worst mother in the world as i didn't wake up to our baby crying. I didn't sleep at all for 5 days but he didn't care

Called me names , was furious. Next day he said " wasn't it funny ? that argument we had at night "

Been 7 years but i will never forget that .

LostNFoundSV · 29/02/2024 14:20

That’s horrible. What a pig.

I had similar with XH. Traumatic birth alone with uncaring midwives. Discharged on 3rd day so v fragile. Silly me said - Oh dear, house is a bit of a mess - hoped you’d have kept it nice for us. He went ballistic! Grabbed my newborn, said ‘you’re an unfit mother’ and stormed upstairs. Never apologised. I was an emotional wreck. Left him 5 years later after years of similar nastiness and worsening abuse. Thankfully have moved on since.

Jamongranary · 29/02/2024 14:23

LostNFoundSV · 29/02/2024 14:20

That’s horrible. What a pig.

I had similar with XH. Traumatic birth alone with uncaring midwives. Discharged on 3rd day so v fragile. Silly me said - Oh dear, house is a bit of a mess - hoped you’d have kept it nice for us. He went ballistic! Grabbed my newborn, said ‘you’re an unfit mother’ and stormed upstairs. Never apologised. I was an emotional wreck. Left him 5 years later after years of similar nastiness and worsening abuse. Thankfully have moved on since.

It's very common for abusers to get worse during and after pregnancy.

I had to take a non molestation order after abuse became physical (only took him 3 weeks after i gave birth ) and move homes ..

I'm so sorry you had to go through this ❤️

Someshop · 29/02/2024 14:38

Not sure about not forgiving him but certainly a change in how I feel about him. Like he's less in my eyes after some episodes of absolutely shittiness I suppose.

All the above examples are absolutely horrendously abusive and I hope you all left those absolute bastards

LostNFoundSV · 29/02/2024 14:40

@Jamongranary thank you. What is wrong with these men?!
You shouldn’t have had to put up with such vile behaviour. I’m so relieved you got away from him. I hope your new life is wonderful x

sanferryanne · 29/02/2024 15:42

It's horrifying how many of these incidents coincide with pregnancy/birth. I knew the statistics that say domestic abuse often starts/ramps up then, but to see it confirmed so swiftly by so many is awful.

32degrees · 29/02/2024 16:01

A lot of these examples shouldn't be 'gotten over', they are abusive and cruel.

OP, what is it that you want to move on from?

krkw · 29/02/2024 18:09

I never knew abusers get worse after having a child but that coincides with my ex. I put the blame all on myself because I thought my post natal depression was hard for him.

Actually reading that back makes me see how ridiculous that actually seems

EarthSight · 29/02/2024 18:27

@dizzydizzydizzy @krkw So many cases start with the first baby being born. It's when they know the woman is truly vulnerable. Some of them start as soon as they're married, but it's usually a baby that starts is.

OP, the reason why someone usually struggles to get over something, is because something happens that influences the way you view your partner, for good. Like to a degree that if you had known that person, you would probably have chosen never to be their girlfriend to start with. Usually it causes huge trust issues, and once that's gone, it's over as far as I'm concerned.

Catoo · 29/02/2024 20:03

Are you struggling OP or collecting stories?

Crikeyalmighty · 29/02/2024 20:22

@Someshop that's exactly how I feel, his behaviour kind of made me see him in a new and lesser light.

tryingtohelp82 · 29/02/2024 20:26

Being sleazy, adding young women, creeping in inboxes, roving eye. And still did it after it upset me many times.
Some men have a compulsion, they just can't switch it off. Shame as I really loved him. But once the ick sets in..
He said I ruined a good thing.. no HE did.
Thankfully been with men since who aren't like this at all.

Original poster

Batima · 01/03/2024 00:29

That sounds awful @krkw and@dizzydizzydizzy and @Jamongranary . Especially when you were so vulnerable after having a baby. I'm so sorry.

And your poor dog, @Beach2lion

OP posts:

Original poster

Batima · 01/03/2024 00:41

I asked because I'm struggling to get over something from 3 months ago. It's not as distressing as some of the posts on here.

My husband has upset me loads of times during our 1.5 years of being married. But this was the worst recent thing. I posted about it at the time - under a different username - because I was upset.

Basically, we had just moved into a few house. My parents, who are in their 70s, were going to do a 7 hour drive to come and see us for the weekend and help with DIY jobs. We have a big spare room. I wanted to offer them an extra day, given the long drive, and would've taken annual leave to hang out with them. But my husband absolutely refused to let them stay an extra day, even though he could've just gone into the office.

OP posts:

tothelefttotheleft · 01/03/2024 00:56

@Batima

I know this is easy to say but why did he get to decide how long your parents stayed?

Catoo · 01/03/2024 07:41

Well he doesn’t sound very nice. And only 1.5 years in and he’s upset you so much and been a prick towards your family.

I’d take a week away, maybe with your parents, and think about whether you want this prince as a life partner.

Agree with PP, why did he get the final say?