Can a relationship recover from this? Is it worth continuing?

[Flamingo780]

There’s 2 issues really. We have been together 18 months. I have strong feelings for him and things are amazing when we are together.
But as soon as we are apart communication feels stilted and like it is 2 strangers talking and then it almost feels like we are having to start from scratch every time we meet iyswim. It feels like it is me making the effort to message him all of time and I think if I didn’t would I hear from him. He says he is just crap with messages and I’m always on his mind even if he doesn’t text.
He also used my laptop a couple of months ago and accidentally left it logged in to his social media. I know I shouldn’t have but I looked and he had been looking at his exes page daily as well as a local Only Fans type girl and other women. They are all very different to me and curvy with big boobs etc. Which has made me feel insecure and crap about myself.
He said he had no intentions to do anything and was just looking, he’s realised it made me feel bad and won’t do it again 🙄 it is in the back of my mind though and he is still quite secretive around his phone.
Will it ever work or is it just going to limp on like this?
I feel like it is best just to call it a day and attempt to move on but it is hard as there are feelings and it sometimes feels like we could have something really good!

It doesn't sound like you are happy with him. The communication bit jumps out at me. My boyfriend works away so we don't see each other for a couple of months. If the communication while we are apart was like you describe it just wouldn't work.

I would line a load of stuff up to do without him . Makes loads of plans with other people over the next couple of weeks so that you are busy
Then , do not message him and see if he actually bothers to contact you first .
I think this one's probably dead in the water either way though tbh

Take individually I don't think any of these are huge issues but as an overall picture of the relationship it sounds flat and going nowhere. I'd call it a day.

First of all, communication is so very important. I consider myself a bit rubbish with messaging, but I couldn't imagine texting to feel so awkward and like we're strangers after 18 months.

Secondly, looking at his exes page... daily?? That strikes me as obsessive.

I'd say it's too many big issues and you'd be better off cutting your losses.

it sometimes feels like we could have something really good!

I understand this but the bottom line is that you don't. If you could have something really good, then you would. Simply as.

Yes you are right and putting it like that makes sense. If it was going to be good, it would be by now! There are odd moments and times where it is but that’s not enough with the other issues to 😔
For whatever reason I am just finding it really hard to call it a day and walk away.
For the couple of weeks I’d had access to his social media it had been most days, actively searching her profile. And watching stories and reacting to them on her business page. Then it drove me insane and I ended up coming clean and he obviously changed his password etc.
We had a break for around a month over the summer and he spent some time with her then, he is adamant that nothing happened and it was platonic/she was there for him as a friend but I’ve never really believed him. She has moved on and is with someone else now but I don’t know if he thinks of her as the one who got away, she’s clearly still on his mind or was! Which ultimately makes me feel crap and like I am not enough.

He said he had no intentions to do anything and was just looking, he's realised it made me feel bad and won't do it again.

Reading between the lines, what he really means is that he will, he just won't let you catch him doing it again.

You're onto a loser here.

If you'd rather be with someone who is a better communicator, doesn't obsessively stalk their exes or perv on Only Fans then surely you'd be better finding someone better suited? You can try and persuade him to change but he'll probably just lie and try to cover his tracks better, until you catch him out again, he apologies and promises to change - rinse and repeat. Each time you go through that cycle, as you inevitably will, your trust in him will diminish as will your self-esteem. Frankly, I think you'd be as well pissing into the wind and hoping not to get wet feet.

You should still be in the honeymoon phase so if its this much effort this early one doesn't look like it will improve. He is clearly still hung up on his ex plus acting as if he is still single and on the look out. Does he follow only fans women on his socials? It sounds like your convenient for him when you're there in person and then when you aren't he goes about his life as a single man again.

I'd trust your gut and let him go you deserve better.

Like a previous poster suggested line up your calender with friends and fun stuff. Things to look forward to. In a few months you'll be in a different head space.

Hell no, he's clearly still obsessed with his ex and gets turned on by women who are physically, different to you. He sounds like a jerk who wants keep you as a backup. Puts in no effort to keep in touch? I say DUMP him he's not worthy at all.

Dump him. He’s a player.

Thank you all! I think I’m going to have to rip off the sticking plaster and do it and accept that I am going to miss the good bits and feel lonely and rubbish for a bit. And he will probably jump into a new relationship quite quickly. There was only a few weeks if that between me and his last ex (not the one he was stalking on SM) and their relationship only lasted a few months because of her trust issues apparently.. There was also an overlap between her and the one before (that’s the one he was stalking on social media) and he was only with her for a few months to. I thought we had done well to get to 18 months but maybe it’s only because I have been willing to overlook/put up with so much!
I feel like I have lost myself a bit and lost contact with friends, not really had much outside of the relationship which I know is my fault and not his and it is going to be hard to build back up!
Plus my self esteem is on the floor, I feel crap about myself and my body!

Time to rebuild the old friendships and make new ones op

I'd bin this one

Yep, he's not over his ex and he is definitely not a keeper! Get rid and find someone who appreciates you properly.

I took would dump

I was in a relationship with a guy like this and it was the worst year and a half of my life
Intense love and intense mistrust. He was a bad egg and your guy is too.

Thank you, it’s good to hear from someone who has been through similar & you are exactly right. There are intense feelings there and when it’s good it is amazing but that isn’t enough to sustain a relationship and like you say is so much mistrust. And I just spend a lot of time wondering where I stand, am I good enough 😔 a lot of friends have walked away as are sick of watching me go through it.

I had a miscarriage very early in the relationship and had to stay in hospital. I found out that while I was recovering from surgery he was sending heart eye emoji reactions to another only fans type girls half naked stories. I should have realised then and cut my losses but I think that experience and what I went through left me sort of trauma bonded if that’s the right phrase!
have been looking up boob jobs and thinking what I can do to change myself 😫

You don't need a boob job. You just need to get rid of this loser.

If you want a boob job that's up to you but that will not address the root cause of your low self-esteem. You could look like a clichéd supermodel and men like your partner will still make you feel like shit. Start by getting completely shot of him then look into what you can do to rebuild your emotional resilience and reduce your tolerance for arseholes who don't deserve you.

It’s over 😣 his reasons for searching for his ex were that he was comparing her with me and trying to work out who he was more attracted to/who had feelings for! Which hasn’t made me feel much better about anything.
Feel shit and low.

Jesus christ!! Even if that were true, wtf says that? Fucking spiteful. I'm so sorry OP. Hopefully though that means you'll find your anger more quickly.

Think about it, would you ever say something like that to someone? He deliberately tried to hurt your feelings and make you feel shit. He's no man.

'It feels like it is me making the effort to message him all of time and I think if I didn’t would I hear from him. '

All I read is that you are chasing after him all the time and whilst he's content to see you at the moment it's no big deal and if you didn't do all the running he would not bother with you.

The passion isn't there for him. Horrible Pharisee but 'He's just not that into you.'

He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys amzn.eu/d/8MmkMuf

He's a twat and you dodged a bullet.

Ah OP.
He's a nasty player. Yuk.
You were intending on ending it and its ended. Result.
I am sorry you're feeling shit. Hang in there. You will start to recover sooner than you may think

My main observation is that he has got some nerve using YOUR laptop to go on Onlyfans. Cheek of it!